McAnally's (The Community Pub) > Author Craft
Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
meg_evonne:
--- Quote from: neurovore on September 16, 2009, 05:22:20 PM ---And why what one actually sends agents is opening plus synopsis. (Nerving myself up to do that with a project sometime soon. Aaagh I hate synopses.)
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SOOOOO have ou done it yet? Huh? Huh? Just teasing, but if you need a push I can be more obnoxious. Writing a good synopses is the problem....
the neurovore of Zur-En-Aargh:
--- Quote from: meg_evonne on September 17, 2009, 06:02:35 PM --- SOOOOO have ou done it yet? Huh? Huh? Just teasing, but if you need a push I can be more obnoxious. Writing a good synopses is the problem....
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Have been successfully not doing this for five weekends so far. Aaaaaagh.
I don't need obnoxious push, I need settling from some other fronts of my life to give me the mental energy to just sodding do it.
Philliph:
Well, this is a dream/premonition from a chapter of mine. Its 184 words.
Do your worst.
I was walking down a narrow brown stone corridor that was dimly lit. Everybody around me had nondescript faces, with dull noses, no eyes and no definitive facial structure at all. The only thing that set them apart was the clothing worn. When people talked, I couldn’t locate the person talking. It was confusing.
What’s going on? I thought.
There were seven people in front of me wearing black velvet robes, seemingly guarding the one in the middle, with the six ‘guards’ in front of the guarded creating a ‘w‘ formation.
“So, I see you’ve made it. I hope you realize you’re going to die here.” A creeping voice said, in a way that made me feel suffocated.
Although the faces were hooded and shaded, I deduced that the guarded was the one speaking. I felt the presence of people around me, so I looked to my side and myself and saw that two people robed in white were behind me to my sides.
But for some strange reason both of them felt very familiar. If only they had their hoods down…
meg_evonne:
Starbeam: Okay, love the dialog for the old woman, love the premise, love the murder, nice use of lightening and you keep bringing it back, which is nice. Cool prophesies! Like like like.
Only problem for me, your contract with the reader is to keep them in a space they understand, well unless you don’t want them too. (Snark, snark.) Here I think, you aren’t taking the time to set the scene. Really dislike the “Two figures sat, woman sat.” confusing w/ repetition of ‘sat’ good place to delve into the scene’s description a bit more, I think. Again, who’s skeletal hand? And who’s croaking voice? Is the woman the taller figure? I can assume the other unidentified character. Last paragraph, I sort of thought they were both pale...so why not use the term apprentice and make sure the reader knows which one you are referring.
Paragraph 4: HERE is your great description. I'd use this first, the others supplicants showing one as Master and one as apprentice, and then go for it.
My question was why the oracle wasn't better protected? Are they that common in this world? BUT love the murder etc. :-)
meg_evonne:
--- Quote from: HellsBells on September 17, 2009, 01:27:05 PM ---I haven't always had the best luck in the world, then my life was completely turned upside down and inside out one freezing october night, thats when it got a million times worse.
I ran, pulse pounding as air whipped against my skin and adrenaline filled my body to the brim.
A wolf howled behind behind me as i ran through the forest, a dozen tiny cuts still oozing where branches reached out of the darkness and tore at my skin.
I stooped down as quick as possibly and picked up a large branch, ready to fight for my life as another, louder howl jolted me into frantic movement. all was quiet for a few dozen seconds as i made my way so i turned my head to search the surrounding area and could see the wolf, framed by moonlight almost bearing down on me. i attempted to pick up my pace but a branch decided to grab at my foot and knock me off balance, throwing me to the ground and making me black out for a millisecond as my head hit a rock.
Be honest, be brutal... As long as you all think i'm pretty :D
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Geez, permission to crush. YAH! I don't have much though. :-) Sorry. A tendency in my opinion to use qualifiers and modifiers too often. I don't know why, but everyone seems to frown(s) on them. My personal thoughts are that they get in the way of what you are doing. They are weak compared to good action, description, dialog--whatever. They just suck. So here are the qualifiers and modifiers that I noticed. Read it above aloud, then read this aloud below. I think that you'll agree the writing is stronger without them. I counted eight "as" phrases. Pull them and reword without them. You'll see that it again is much stronger! (I think this is what Alura noticed when she read it.) Okay, so maybe one more thing. Split some of the sentences up and make two, or three. :-)
AND OF COURSE YOU ARE PRETTY! (Uhm, did we get a photo somewhere guys?) Love ya and huggies, Hell's Belles!
--- Quote from: HellsBells on September 17, 2009, 01:27:05 PM ---I havent always had the best luck in the world, then my life was completely turned upside down and inside out one freezing october night, thats when it got a million times worse.
I ran, pulse pounding as air whipped against my skin and adrenaline filled my body to the brim.
A wolf howled behind behind me as i ran through the forest, a dozen tiny cuts still oozing where branches reached out of the darkness and tore at my skin.
I stooped down as quick as possibly and picked up a large branch, ready to fight for my life as another, louder howl jolted me into frantic movement. all was quiet for a few dozen seconds as i made my way so i turned my head to search the surrounding area and could see the wolf, framed by moonlight almost bearing down on me. i attempted to pick(ed) up my pace but a branch decided to grab(bed) at my foot and knock(ed) me off balance, thr(e)ow me to the ground and making me (I) blacked out for a millisecond as my head hit a rock.
Be honest, be brutal... As long as you all think i'm pretty :D
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