McAnally's (The Community Pub) > Author Craft

Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....

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meg_evonne:
here's a paragraph from my 'for fun while taking a break' from YA.  So would you read on? or not?  then start your own thread with less than 250 words for others of your current WiP so we can post hooked or not hooked to your work.   Enjoy!

"They opened the door to our brothel cell room without warning.  We were naked and still in bed.  If the phone last night had a heavenly glow, it didn’t apply to our counsel from the same region who stood in the doorway.  He looked bedraggled and tired, not like he’d spent the night in pleasant pursuits.  He was tall, pale, with long rusty hair, his nose was broken and he wore blue jeans with holes in the knees, Birkenstock sandals, and his t-shirt proclaimed, “Repent Asshole”, and a fat backpack slung over his shoulder.  Okay, I could like this lawyer."

NothingWicked:
Hooked (I especially like the "Repent Asshole")  ;D...

Ok, here's mine:

"I should have known better. There had been plenty of warning signs. But Bill had sounded so excited and I missed seeing him that way. He's needed a lot of encouragement since the accident and I didn't want to miss the opportunity to be there for him. If only I'd- Well, I guess it doesn't matter now. Whatever he'd given me had begun to kick in and my brain was in no condition to help me get us out of here. Power over life and death he'd said. Power over life and death."   

He Who Walks Backwards:
Can't really tell yet... :(

Well here's mine.  Its a short story start.  Let me know!

   Derek and I are, well, different.  He’s tall, dark, and handsome, and everybody loves him.  I am the Biology and Chemistry Major finishing my senior year of college. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not repulsive or a hermit or anything, but people are just drawn to him.  He’s just shy of six feet, with raven hair and bright green eyes.  I’m five-eight, with sandy hair and blue eyes.
   Oh, and perhaps the biggest difference between us is that I am not a vampire.
   Derek moved into the apartment a little over two years ago, answering an ad that I had placed in the local newspaper when I was looking for a new roommate.  He was the only one to answer the ad, and, to be honest, I needed the help on the rent, so he moved in shortly after.
   It took me a while before I found out his secret.  He came home every night just before dawn.  I caught him one time and asked why he kept going out so late and coming back so early.  He avoided me for a couple of days and eventually, we sat down and talked.
   He explained everything to me.  He said that he had lived for nearly three hundred years.  He told me about other vampires and other creatures of the night.  He explained vampiric Laws to me, and he told me about their ruling body, the Imperion.  Ever since then, we have been good friends.  He had taken me to popular vampire clubs and we had partied together.  All in all, my nightlife had improved since Derek moved in.
   It was because of these night trips that my life, and ultimately Derek’s, would be changed forever.

meg_evonne:
I'd read further, but it needs some major editing.

The first paragraph turned me off, but "perhaps the biggest difference between us is that I am not a vampire." got me interested. 

The ad bit for a room mate is cool, but don't need all the other parts in there I think. 

I'm intested in how main character found out, but instead of telling me, why don't you show me.  Put me in main character's head as he watches the guy going out late, coming back... what other things would he notice, like does he smell like blood?  Is his tongue red?  (gross) or he can't always be a neat sucker---blood on his clothes etc?

Finally, it seems like the vamp is coming clean too easily.  Maybe you can trail him, confront him, then have him tell the story?  Right now, I'm figuring the room mate's going to be snack!  Snark snark.

Sorry, I already plopped down a section.  Someone else put in one?  Please???   In fact, hang on....

Starbeam:
This is very rough, haven't looked over it much at all since I wrote it.  And at the moment it's the start, but that might change, haven't decided.

 Whenever I read a book, and I read a helluva lot, the hero or heroine is usually someone special.  The last of a dying order, a prince or princess, even if they grew up a farmboy or shepherd.  Someone with special powers, like raising the dead, using magic, or turning into a wolf.  The descendant of King Arthur or Caesar.  Someone incredibly handsome or beautiful.
 Not someone like me.
 Me?  I’m “cute.”  I can’t fucking stand that word.  I’m short and overweight.  Ok, fat.  My hair is brown.  Where it’s not strawlike and reddish blonde from hair dye and sun.  It’s not as scraggly as it used to be, but it’s so very fine that when it’s gathered all together, it has all the thickness of a carrot.  A baby carrot.  Blue eyes, white skin.  And glasses.  I look like a librarian.  Could it be any more boring?
 “Yes.”
 Ah, hell.  Shut up...  Now people think I’m talking to myself.
 “But you are.”
 All I was trying to do was kill myself.  I missed my dand and grandmother.  And I was just so tired of being alone all the time.  How was I supposed to know that stupid dagger was magical?  And possessed?

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