McAnally's (The Community Pub) > Author Craft
Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
meg_evonne:
Philliph, running late. I promise to read yours too!
meg_evonne:
Bump Neurovore. So did you 'sodding' do it yet? :P LOL.....
My editor/coach liked it, and then spent an hour and a half fixing it. Okay, I have a new rule about 'ing'. ONLY use them if that is what is happening right that moment and never use two in the same sentence--cause you can't do two things at the exact time. EXCEPT there are always exceptions to the rule.
Yes, i do tend to use.... I ___ed, ____ed, ____ing clause. I thought it was okay. But maybe not, probably not. Shoot, what was that blasted rule again?
She also made my 16 pages into 18 pages. I'm going back and pulling 3/4 of the additions out. I'm writing it in MY voice. WAIT correction! I will go back and pull 3/4 of the additions out.
Starbeam:
--- Quote from: meg_evonne on September 18, 2009, 04:21:46 AM ---Starbeam: Okay, love the dialog for the old woman, love the premise, love the murder, nice use of lightening and you keep bringing it back, which is nice. Cool prophesies! Like like like.
Only problem for me, your contract with the reader is to keep them in a space they understand, well unless you don’t want them too. (Snark, snark.) Here I think, you aren’t taking the time to set the scene. Really dislike the “Two figures sat, woman sat.” confusing w/ repetition of ‘sat’ good place to delve into the scene’s description a bit more, I think. Again, who’s skeletal hand? And who’s croaking voice? Is the woman the taller figure? I can assume the other unidentified character. Last paragraph, I sort of thought they were both pale...so why not use the term apprentice and make sure the reader knows which one you are referring.
Paragraph 4: HERE is your great description. I'd use this first, the others supplicants showing one as Master and one as apprentice, and then go for it.
My question was why the oracle wasn't better protected? Are they that common in this world? BUT love the murder etc. :-)
--- End quote ---
Heh...like I said, I wrote it around 10-11 years ago, and haven't changed much since. Little bit of the prophecy wording, and switched the pale and dark descriptors for the two guys. Set this story aside a while back to work on my urban fantasy, but still planning on getting back to it eventually. And will likely rework the prologue, though I think I want it to stay about as short and not get long winded like some.
LizW65:
Here's a bit of the opener from the sequel to my WIP, still very rough:
Somebody was in his apartment.
He heard the guy halfway down the hallway and froze, senses on full alert, body tensing with adrenaline and outrage in spite of fatigue and the late hour.
He didn't need this. His right leg, weakened by an old injury, throbbed; muscles cramped and knotted into a tight ball of pain that spread outward through his body. The freezing drizzle that had fallen most of the afternoon had long ago soaked through his heavy wool coat; he was cold, bone-tired, and sorry for himself. Muscles ached; his body shook with fatigue, and a dull pain pulsed behind his eyes. He wanted his dinner, which wafted maddeningly delicious aromas from the takeout bag from Ruby Foo's tucked under his arm. He wanted a scalding hot bath, a drink, a good book, and his bed.
What he didn't want was for his work to follow him home like this.
The intruder made no secret of his presence. He didn't need to. At this hour the building's other residents had long since retired to their own suppers and beds, and they kept mostly to themselves anyway. Ted, the latest in a long line of night watchmen, was no slouch with a basball bat, but he was five floors down, nose buried in this month's copy of Amazing Stories. Russell would have to take care of this one by himself.
RobJN:
--- Quote from: meg_evonne on September 18, 2009, 05:40:03 AM --- Okay, I have a new rule about 'ing'. ONLY use them if that is what is happening right that moment and never use two in the same sentence--cause you can't do two things at the exact time. EXCEPT there are always exceptions to the rule.
--- End quote ---
Can we get a before & after on one of these?
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version