McAnally's (The Community Pub) > Author Craft
Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
LizW65:
--- Quote from: Philliph on September 18, 2009, 01:13:31 AM ---Well, this is a dream/premonition from a chapter of mine. Its 184 words.
Do your worst.
I was walking down a narrow brown stone corridor that was dimly lit. Everybody around me had nondescript faces, with dull noses, no eyes and no definitive facial structure at all. The only thing that set them apart was the clothing worn. When people talked, I couldn’t locate the person talking. It was confusing.
What’s going on? I thought.
There were seven people in front of me wearing black velvet robes, seemingly guarding the one in the middle, with the six ‘guards’ in front of the guarded creating a ‘w‘ formation.
“So, I see you’ve made it. I hope you realize you’re going to die here.” A creeping voice said, in a way that made me feel suffocated.
Although the faces were hooded and shaded, I deduced that the guarded was the one speaking. I felt the presence of people around me, so I looked to my side and myself and saw that two people robed in white were behind me to my sides.
But for some strange reason both of them felt very familiar. If only they had their hoods down…
--- End quote ---
Lots to play with here. ;D Since it's a dream, you may want to work on making it more fragmented and disorienting, maybe go with present tense. So, if I may:
"A narrow stone corridor, dimly lit. A sea of black-robed figures: featureless, eyeless faces, blobby noses. Voices, muttering, but I can't hear the words.
Six of the figures appear to be guarding a seventh. He speaks, something in his voice making me feel suffocated: "So here you are at last. You do realize you're going to die here."
Sensing movement behind me, I look round and see two other figures, garbed in white. Their faces are covered, but for some reason they feel familiar..."
Anyway, since dreams seldom make sense from a logical standpoint, the trick is to play with senses, mood and emotion, all the things that do come into play in dreams. Any smells? Does your protag. feel frightened, curious, detached from the action? When he tries to focus on objects, do they become less distinct? Is this a premonition of his death, and if so, what is the most important aspect of the vision? Has he seen the place before? And so on. Hope this helps.
Gruud:
I sense a momentary bending of the rules here, as some posts are now from the middle of stories, and not from the beginning.
And all of this talk of dreams has had me picking across my hard drive, looking for ... something I could post here.
I've been dying to do so, but can't cram a properly redone opening into the word limit. :D
So here goes, This was written a couple of years ago for some online fiction that I was doing.
Please forgive the present tense, which makes the whole thing sound a bit loopy, but I'm at work now and have no time to re-tense it. It is otherwise unedited, although it could do with a few changes. ;)
It's a smidgen over the 250 word limit too, as it's part of a longer bit. Hope that's okay ...
Gru’ud starts awake, alone in Shield Hall, uncertain if he has heard screaming, or has been screaming. His body is dripping a cold clammy sweat, his limbs still twitching and jerking.
A quick glance up toward the quietly sleeping crows tells him he is safe, and that the screams were not his own. The crows make excellent watchmen. He struggles to his feet and fumbles on his robe, his hands trembling as he ties the sash.
Gru’ud’s mind is reeling from the visions he has seen, his thoughts racing now, out of control. He stops what he’s doing and closes his eye and forces his breathing back to normal. Regaining control he then calms his heart, willing it to return to its normal rhythm. Finally, he stills the spasms in his limbs, their desire to strike out now subsiding. Gru’ud opens his eyes, and begins to recall, committing all that he can to memory.
The nightmares had come to him three in a row, ever an ominous sign. And he knew for no reason that if he could just discern their meaning, much death, perhaps his own, may yet be avoided.
The first had begun with a scene from his youth, a birthing at Uncle Nazz’s compound. Gru’ud had seen many while helping his uncle, and recognized the tools and the linens. But he saw no sign of Nazz nor of the midwife and turned to look toward the bed. He could not see the woman lying there, but could hear her grunting and breathing. Attending the birth, and blocking his view, stood a black robed figure, silent, as was the mother. Her breaths were coming faster and the grunts more intense, but the mother never cried out. With one final groan the birth was completed, but Gru’ud heard no squalling from the infant.
The figure in black, who had not helped with the birthing, reached down and plucked the child up. It drew the babe close and muttered some words, then held it aloft for all to see. But Gru’ud’s dream vision had already begun to fade and he could see nothing of the child, but it filled him with dread and revulsion. As the scene slid completely from his view, his heart filled with a deep, kindred sadness, for he knew that the child was an Abomination.
Hooked, or not hooked?
the neurovore of Zur-En-Aargh:
--- Quote from: meg_evonne on September 18, 2009, 05:40:03 AM ---Bump Neurovore. So did you 'sodding' do it yet? :P LOL.....
--- End quote ---
Friday is writing night. I'll take another whack at it tomorrow or Sunday.
Starbeam:
Heh...I just wanna see what sorta comments I get for this one. It's nothing yet, though I have ideas of where it might go.
Belynda hugged her arms across her chest, grasping her shoulders, rocking back and forth. Tears glimmered down her cheeks, and she muttered over and over.
“Why did you have to leave me? I can’t live without you. I need you. Please, why did you leave me?”
Words rolled around in her head, and she reached for a pen and paper to write the poem that was forming. She felt hollow inside, her one true love had left her, and she didn’t know why.
Running the pen across the paper, she kept muttering under her breath, not caring that her tears stained the paper under her hand. It was better that way; he would know how much he meant when he saw the tear-stained paper.
***
“Who the hell reads this shit?” I said, flopping the book closed and practically pushing it back to the shelf. A girl nearby, wearing her hair in short dyed black spikes, turned around.
“It’s not shit; it’s beautiful,” she said, holding the book to her chest. I eyed her up and down. Along with the spiky hair, which was apparently also shot through with purple and pink, she had several hoops in her ears, pale makeup, and she wore black and white striped tights under an oversized black metal band tshirt. Really, how emo could you possibly get?
“Yeah, you keep believing that.”
Philliph:
--- Quote from: LizW65 on September 18, 2009, 02:48:15 PM ---Lots to play with here. ;D Since it's a dream, you may want to work on making it more fragmented and disorienting, maybe go with present tense. So, if I may:
"A narrow stone corridor, dimly lit. A sea of black-robed figures: featureless, eyeless faces, blobby noses. Voices, muttering, but I can't hear the words.
Six of the figures appear to be guarding a seventh. He speaks, something in his voice making me feel suffocated: "So here you are at last. You do realize you're going to die here."
Sensing movement behind me, I look round and see two other figures, garbed in white. Their faces are covered, but for some reason they feel familiar..."
Anyway, since dreams seldom make sense from a logical standpoint, the trick is to play with senses, mood and emotion, all the things that do come into play in dreams. Any smells? Does your protag. feel frightened, curious, detached from the action? When he tries to focus on objects, do they become less distinct? Is this a premonition of his death, and if so, what is the most important aspect of the vision? Has he seen the place before? And so on. Hope this helps.
--- End quote ---
Hmm, thinking about it this way really does make room for many more options.
Thanks, the advice will likely help me in this dream, and definitely a few others.
Well Gruud, i suppose i shall post something. maybe the exact beginning of it.
Oh yeah, i'm not trying to be conceited or anything, i'm just not replying to anybody elses hooked or not hooked replies because i dont have any of the expertise wanted. just you guys wait a few years...
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version