McAnally's (The Community Pub) > Author Craft
Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
Philliph:
Well, mine is 100 words over. i tried to take note of douglas adam's awesomeness and incorporate it into my own book. I have revised this piece like a bajillion times. Would this have any of you thinking "Hmm, i think i'll read this," if you picked it up in a library?
My name is Ranulf Iroquois Tesven. I’m fifteen years old and a few inches short of six feet tall. I have sun-bleached blonde hair with strips of the brown hair I used to have, azure eyes, and, for the most part, white with a slight tan. I wore tan trousers and a thin white t-shirt undershirt with a black one covering it with black, hard leather shoes as I walked down from my old white wooden house to the beige brick butcher shop a half-mile down the dirt road.
At my waist was a money pouch with a dagger containing a four-inch blade, the maximum length for a teen to carry in my town of Reor-Fliyon (Ray-oar Flee-own).
Only three more years and I would be able to carry a true hunting knife! I thought.
I carried with me eight dragon coppers, three leafed irons, and a single silver with the King’s face on it in a brown money pouch.
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Note:
The money of Pantenime, namely dataries (Day-tear-ees), is a coined type of currency. Each coin has a different value. The way they are valued is established by the materials the iron base is coated with and the insignias/emblems carved into them.
A copper with a dragon emblem would be translated to one dollar. An iron with a leaf insignia being five, an iron base with a copper lion insignia is ten, a copper base with a silver ox emblem is fifteen. A pure silver plated coin along with King Quaerine’s face being twenty.
From there the coin values jump from twenty to thirty, forty, fifty, and finally one-hundred.
An onyx plated coin with a snake symbol would be thirty, an onyx plated coin with a golden flower insignia would be forty, and a gold with a feather emblem would be valued at fifty. And last, but not least, a platinum plated coin with an eagle symbol would be one-hundred.
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While walking, I constantly thought about being in King Quaerine’s personal army, the glory of the kingdom. I imagined myself ten years older, muscular with a scruffily bearded face, and wearing the eagle symbol of the king on my gleaming silver armor, marching on my way to war with Galtea eighteen years ago.
belial.1980:
Can't remember where I left off. It's been awhile, so I'll start with Liz's:
Lizwiz: Good use of descriptors and conveying the character's mood. Hooked.
Gruud: If you check earlier posts I think they ammended it so it doesn't necessarily have to come from the beginning. Any 250ish words that can stand alone. Anyway...yeah yours hooked me. Interested in knowing what kind of abomination we're dealing with here.
Starbeam: This made me chuckle. I'm not really sure where you're going with it, but I imagine Belynda as one of those "goth" kids that write laughably bad poetry about vampires and suicide and such. I liked seeing one being the butt of a joke and would be interested to see where it's going. Hooked.
Philliph: I like where you're going with this. It's easy to identify with the youthful energy. A few bits of advice: (Mind you, I'm not a professional writer by any stretch so take this all with a grain of salt.)
Ranulf gives a pretty vivid description of himself in the first person. I think it would've been more appropriate in the 3rd person, just because when you're telling a story I think you put less emphasis on giving an objective description of yourself. Now, maybe if he was very vain, and he was bragging about how handsome he is, that might be different. But it appears that his physical appearnce isn't necessarily an important facet to this character at this time and could've been saved for later.
Likewise with the description of the monetary system. It's obvious that you've put a lot of thought into it, and that's great, but I think the specifics could be revealed later on. But, as I was saying, I think most of us can relate to Ranulf's situation. Young people want to grow up and grab the world by the horns. I'm interested to see where this is going.
Alright here's mine, from Dallas Texas, weighing in at 213 words...
Jack sat in the dark whispering with his mantra while Tess bounced around the campsite, butchering I Just Want to Have Something to Do Tonight by The Ramones. The opossum's blood cooled and crusted on his hands as he walked a mental tightrope between the waking world and world of dreams. The moon sank low on the horizon and the campfire burnt to shimmering red embers. Then he felt it—a frigid wind that seemed to frost his bones.
The reflection of something dark and indescribable filled the glossy pools of the dead animal's eyes. He was suddenly reminded of the time he and his dad had gone hiking and he'd heard the warning rattle of a rattlesnake hidden in the brush alongside the trail. Jack had known something deadly was watching him, feeling his body heat, tasting him from an arm's length away with its flickering tongue. This same sense of unnatural intimacy crept over him as he stared into the eyes of the sacrifice. It's not a reflection. This death—this blood—is an open doorway and I'm looking through it. Something's on the other side, looking right back at me.
He dropped the carcass and ran up the hill like the devil was chasing him; the idea seemed very plausible.
Philliph:
--- Quote from: belial.1980 on September 20, 2009, 12:47:50 AM ---Philliph: I like where you're going with this. It's easy to identify with the youthful energy. A few bits of advice: (Mind you, I'm not a professional writer by any stretch so take this all with a grain of salt.)
Ranulf gives a pretty vivid description of himself in the first person. I think it would've been more appropriate in the 3rd person, just because when you're telling a story I think you put less emphasis on giving an objective description of yourself. Now, maybe if he was very vain, and he was bragging about how handsome he is, that might be different. But it appears that his physical appearnce isn't necessarily an important facet to this character at this time and could've been saved for later.
Likewise with the description of the monetary system. It's obvious that you've put a lot of thought into it, and that's great, but I think the specifics could be revealed later on. But, as I was saying, I think most of us can relate to Ranulf's situation. Young people want to grow up and grab the world by the horns. I'm interested to see where this is going.
--- End quote ---
--- Quote from: belial.1980 on September 20, 2009, 12:47:50 AM ---Alright here's mine, from Dallas Texas, weighing in at 213 words...
Jack sat in the dark whispering with his mantra while Tess bounced around the campsite, butchering I Just Want to Have Something to Do Tonight by The Ramones. The opossum's blood cooled and crusted on his hands as he walked a mental tightrope between the waking world and world of dreams. The moon sank low on the horizon and the campfire burnt to shimmering red embers. Then he felt it—a frigid wind that seemed to frost his bones.
The reflection of something dark and indescribable filled the glossy pools of the dead animal's eyes. He was suddenly reminded of the time he and his dad had gone hiking and he'd heard the warning rattle of a rattlesnake hidden in the brush alongside the trail. Jack had known something deadly was watching him, feeling his body heat, tasting him from an arm's length away with its flickering tongue. This same sense of unnatural intimacy crept over him as he stared into the eyes of the sacrifice. It's not a reflection. This death—this blood—is an open doorway and I'm looking through it. Something's on the other side, looking right back at me.
He dropped the carcass and ran up the hill like the devil was chasing him; the idea seemed very plausible.
--- End quote ---
Thats what it was!!! ever since i wrote it i felt something was wrong. i even badgered my friends about it. 3rd person was the answer.
But, being my semi-stubborn self i am going to keep the note part in there.
Look for me on the best-selling authors list in a few years ;D ;D ;D ;D
Hopefully.
Belial, i'm hooked. ever since i read my first Darren shan's Cirque du freak i have been looking for anything awesomely dark and vampirey. but this isn't vampirey. anyways, i'm still hooked. :-\ ;) :) :D ;D 8)
LizW65:
Belial: I like it. Nice job of establishing a creepy atmosphere. My only issue is with the first paragraph, where I had to re-read a couple of times before I realized Jack, not Tess, was the one with bloody hands.
Gritti:
Alright I'll try the opening of the piece that I started last yeat but lost modivational steam on...let me know if i sould leave it alone or revisit it when I get a chance.
The prisoner opened his eyes and rolled over onto his stomach. He reached out his hand to hover above a tiny speaker set into the heavy metal frame of his bed. “4, 3, 2, 1”, he said out loud and then covered the speaker.
“GOOD MORNING 1012 – RECOUP TIME IS OVER –TODAY YOU’RE ASSIGNED TO THE LAB AND THE DOCTOR IS ALREADY WAITING SO GET MOVING. - NORISHMENT IN 5 MINUTES.”
Everyday had started the same way for the past 13 months. If he hadn’t started covering the speaker during the first week he’d probably gone deaf before too long. He rolled back over, sat up, and closed his eyes preparing for part two of this ritual awakening. Instantly the room was filled with light so bright he could see it through his eye lids. “That’s another point for me Doc.” He considered anytime the Doc failed at making him miserable a small victory in their silent war. If life in prison had taught him anything, it was to revel in the small victories because you simply never had any other kind. He smiled the only smile he expected to have all day and began to get ready.
The Doc is waiting….that’s just great he thought and looked around his room. Room, yeah right, technically it was his 5 foot cube “cell” but he’d decided long ago that to maintain a positive outlook he would think of it as his, very very cozy, room. True, he could never fully stretch his 5’11’’ frame while inside his room, but on the bright side, it was a cinch to clean up.
Hooked or Not?
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