McAnally's (The Community Pub) > Author Craft
Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
LizW65:
@ Gritti: It's okay. Plenty of action, though it does beg the question of why your protagonist didn't lock the door if he(?) knew Dennis was after him. Could do with some judicious editing; it could stand to be broken up a bit and I feel as though you're overdoing explanations of things like the contents of the backback when all the focus should be on the main problem, i.e. getting away from Dennis. Also, I don't get what you're saying here:
I figured he was trying to decide where I would go next, and he would probably be right so I haddo on television, but Dennis must have watched a lot of the same shows I did because he was avoiding to get there and get out before he showed up looking for me.
"Liquid magic" sounds interesting--what is it in your world? (I was reading it as your hero wanting to knock back a few to give him the courage to stand up to Dennis, but I have a feeling that isn't it. ;D)
Gritti:
Thanks LizW65, the confusing lines you referenced were a result of a poor cut and paste job on my part, but thanks for the feedback. I took this right out of the middle of my chapter four, and I realize it doesn't really make perfect sence, out of context. You're feeling is right. The liquid magic is not alcohol, and the main character is 15 years old. Should have mentioned that too. Still working on it.
JGrace:
Here's the opening of my book. It's a vampire story aimed at Adults.
I awake in the frigid night air, the darkness glaring in my eyes, the silence thundering in my ears. Everything feels different and new. I lay on the stomach, my face pressed against cool, damp earth and there is a strange taste in my mouth, something metallic and pungent.
The last thing I remember is running through this enormous campground; massive trees flashed by while my heart pounded in my chest and my breath - nothing more than ragged gasps. Gunshots echoed through the night and fell heavily to the ground. Then, I saw him step out of the shadows to loom over me and my world dissolved in a blur of pain and darkness.
Somehow, I can smell him, a mixture of soap, cologne, and … blood? I know he is near, watching me. "What did you do to me?" I growl as I rise slowly to my feet. I look down at my stolen blood-stained t-shirt and finger the four small holes in the black fabric, just the right size for .38 caliber bullets. I lift the shirt to examine my chest, but all I see is unbroken skin – no sign of an injury.
"I saved you, brought you back. From Death,” he says in soft, calm voice.
I'd love to know what you all think. I'm still not sure if the change of tense works in the second paragraph.
JG
LizW65:
@JGrace: I think it works better if you stick to all one tense, present or past, your choice.
JGrace:
@LizW65 While I would agree with you, the whole story is written in the present tense, but the character is describing something that happened to him in the past. Would using present tense work there?
Or would it be better to write the whole scene that he's describing in present tense? Maybe as a prologue. hmmm...
Thanks for the input!
JG
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