McAnally's (The Community Pub) > Author Craft
Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
belial.1980:
I would recommend the second. I think the spark of danger/action/tension that this second snippet provides would be a good hook for your projected audience.
Please don't take that to mean that your first into isn't as good. It provided a great snapshot of the brother-sister relationship and allows readers to learn a good deal about the protagonists in just a few paragraphs.
At 29 it's a toss up for me, as I think they're both strong introductions. But when I was 13-14 I'm pretty sure I would've been hooked more easily by the second.
LizW65:
I'd go with the second one also--the first just doesn't engage me--though I'd consider dropping "held by an agent of Hell" which veers into "telling, not showing" territory. Oh, and it's definitely "breath". ;D
The rest of it's just tweaking, eg:
<<Kai wore his obstinate face, the one that said, “Don’t mess with me.” The face that said, “You’re only my sister and you aren’t in charge.”>>
to:
<<Kai wore his obstinate, don't-mess-with-me face, the one that said, "You're only my sister. You aren't in charge.">>
Oh, and when I've done my next rewrite and am ready to start querying agents myself, I'd very much appreciate your input, Meg, as you seem to be doing very well in that area.
Aludra:
I agree. The second one. The first one isn't bad. It introduces your character well with description and character traits to look forward to, but some of the wording still seems a little awkward. The breath or breathe thing and also the last sentence when Kai comes out of nowhere. I had to read that sentence 3 times to really get that Eve was leaning over Kai because having her look out the window at the beginning made me place her in the window seat. I would make these changes for clarity.
--- Quote from: meg_evonne on September 10, 2009, 01:03:04 AM ---Pollution, but it didn’t stop Eve's gasp from the aisle seat as she leaned toward the window and picked out familiar sites.
She and her brother, Kai, had gotten on a flight straight from completing their finals at Eden's Croft Prep School.
--- End quote ---
I'm not published or whatever so take these only at face value, but you did say you wanted critiques so those are the changes I would make. Even with added clarity I'd still go with your option 2 since it just generally feels more polished and is more exciting.
Gritti:
Okay I'm gonna give this a shot, but I'll admit I have mixed feeling about this. The need for feedback is outweighing my nerves for the moment though so here goes. This is a couple of paragraphs from one of the early chapters in the piece I'm working on currently. Do your worst. :-\
Almost done. I just had one more thing to do before I left. My room was on the second floor so I bolted up the stairs two at a time. Without thinking, I put stuff I would need for a sleepover at a friend’s house, like a toothbrush, some extra socks, among other things into a small bag with a single strap that slung onto my back. Then I grabbed the original copy of the riddle and stuffed it in my back pocket. Lastly, I grabbed Obi, put him in my jacket pocket, went back to the front door, and looked out the peephole.
Dennis was standing on the front porch with his back to the door.
“Ahhh!” I forced my mouth shut but it was too late. He spun around and came at the door like a freight train. I just had time to get out of the way before my front door was kicked open. As he entered his eyes met mine and the smile that came across his face made my spine turn to jelly.
He lunged for me and I stumbled away from him, got to my feet, and tore back into the house. I didn’t bother to look behind me as I ran. I knew he was there from the mini earthquakes his feet made as they hit the hard wood floors. I tried to knock things over to slow him down like I’d seen people do on television, but Dennis must have watched a lot of the same shows I did because he was avoiding everything I knocked over. As I flew through the kitchen I pulled the refrigerator door open and cringed as I heard him collide with it.I didn’t stop running until I was out the front door, and across the street hiding with Lester. While I stood there as still as I could, we heard the huge man run out into the middle of the street and then stop. I figured he was trying to decide where I would go next, and he would probably be right so I had to get there and get out before he showed up looking for me.
“We need to get back to the shop and fast.”
“Did you find what you were looking for in the house?”
“Yeah and its pointing me back to the shop.”
“Won’t that Dennis guy be looking for you there?”
“Yep.”
“But we’re going back there anyway?”
“Yep.”
“Why?”
“Because what I think these people are really after is there, and I’m going to need a little liquid magic.” I grabbed up all of my things and fit everything in my backpack except Obi and the keys which I kept in my pockets. I started to run back to the shop with Lester chugging along beside me.
RobJN:
--- Quote from: meg_evonne on September 10, 2009, 01:03:04 AM ---“What do you see?” Kai asked, his older sister’s breath(e)* huffing in his ear as Eve leaned over him to look out the window. He elbowed his sister with typical sibling scuffling.
*maybe it's one of those midwest word usage things, but breathe just isn't the right word for me, but Spell/Grammar check says it should be breathe.... help?
OR the forward flash intro from later in the book. Does it reveal too much? This is the full forward flash..358 words
“Kai, stay here.”
Kai wore his obstinate face, the one that said, “Don’t mess with me.” The face that said, “You’re only my sister and you aren’t in charge.”
--- End quote ---
Never trust your computer's grammar check, even when it's right. It should be "breath" -- the noun, what goes in and out when you "breathe."
I also liked the second opening: it packs more of a punch, demands a bit more attention than the first, and has a rocked-forward-on-the-balls-of-the-feet feeling, whereas the first comes as a leisurely Sunday stroll.
However, I'm not exactly sure where you're going with the magic angle: is it a widely-known thing? If Eve recently came into her powers, was it a surprise to her, as well?
If so, then emphasizing the "oh-geez-I-have-to-go-back-to-school-now-this-is-normal-life" beginning may be more appropriate for the story.
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