McAnally's (The Community Pub) > Author Craft
Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
meg_evonne:
@Gritti, Thank you for the clarification on where the piece was located! I was confused as to why Dennis wanted him, etc. So it's another YA, yeah! I agree with Liz' assessment. I like the action, the intensity and I suspect that is why you picked this section to share. You've got the elements (A, B, C, etc) of the chase and they are working for you.
Professor Meg speaks---feel welcome to stab my crit's heart!!! Just remember the key elements are already in your post and they are great!
Tension can be built lots of ways, but one way is to shorten your sentences. When you read it out loud, you'll get a feel for the pace you are setting. This kind of scene can take a very fast pace.
Quote from: Gritti on September 10, 2009, 06:48:32 PM
"*Almost done. I just had one more thing to do before I left.*1 [*My room was on the second floor* 2 so I bolted up the stairs two at a time. *Without thinking,*3 I put stuff I would need for a sleepover at a friend’s house, like a toothbrush, some extra socks, among other things *into a small bag with a single strap that slung onto my back.[/s]4 Then I grabbed the original copy of the riddle and stuffed it in my back pocket.* *Lastly,* 3 I grabbed Obi, put him in my jacket pocket, (went back to the front door, and looked out the peephole)*."
I'm willing to bet the goal of this paragraph is to show his panic, grab the riddle and Obi? If so, right now those last two items are buried under the other stuff.
Tightening might look like: 1. slows the action, doesn't add. 2. If he's running up the stairs, let the reader figure out its upstairs. 3. 'without thinking' and 'lastly' can be shown through action 4. 11 words to say backpack, unless having a single strap pack is essential :-) Each of these parts can act like molasses on the reader, slowing the action you have between.
"I bolted up the stairs two at a time, cramming overnight stuff into my backpack. Then I grabbed the original copy of the riddle, stuffing it into my back pocket and I thrust Obi into my jacket pocket, (went back to the front door, and looked out the peephole).
The beginning panic/rush action reveals that well and the same goes for your action writing in the rest of the post. I mean this happened and that and then this and then that. All great sequence elements! but you also have to invest your reader so they want the character to get away.
The description that I cut added nothing to WHO the character was, nor HOW he felt, and didn't further the plot--these are key descriptions to making readers happy. These descriptions did nothing to further the plot or build character. Take one of your JB books and pick out some action dialog. Look at the white space around it. Look at how he thrusts in Harry's comments. Look at how the character is 'shown' so you get invested in the action on a personal level.
Here at this point you have the opportunity to show me what the character feels, fears, wants, whatever by adding description the reader wants to know. (went back to the front door, and looked out the peephole) is an action that reveals a tiny bit, but you can flesh it out so the reader is sucked right into the action. HOW does he approach the back door? What does he FEEL when he looks out the peephole? What does he FEAR is outside the peephole? The reader wants to experience his thoughts, his concerns. Also as far as pace, this is a quiet bit before you smash right into action a moment later.
Really a nice start, Gritti
Now why can't I get all that into my writing... ah well, the main point initially is to just get it down in any format it takes to get the job done. Re-editing the heck out of a paragraph here or there in a first draft is nice, but it can suck you in editing and not getting the pages finished! Best writing to you!
meg_evonne:
--- Quote from: JGrace on September 11, 2009, 10:21:55 PM ---
I awake in the frigid night air, the darkness glaring in my eyes, the silence thundering in my ears. Everything feels different and new. I lay on the stomach, my face pressed against cool, damp earth and there is a strange taste in my mouth, something metallic and pungent.
The last thing I remember is running through this enormous campground; massive trees flashed by while my heart pounded in my chest and my breath - nothing more than ragged gasps. Gunshots echoed through the night and (I) fell heavily to the ground. Then, I saw him step out of the shadows to loom over me and my world dissolved in a blur of pain and darkness.
Somehow, I can smell him, a mixture of soap, cologne, and … blood? I know he is near, watching me. "What did you do to me?" I growl as I rise slowly to my feet. I look down at my stolen blood-stained t-shirt and finger the four small holes in the black fabric, just the right size for .38 caliber bullets. I lift the shirt to examine my chest, but all I see is unbroken skin – no sign of an injury.
"I saved you, brought you back. From Death,” he says in soft, calm voice.
--- End quote ---
We need Neurovore to check in on this one. Already Dead, by Charles Huston is written so closely in the main character's head and internal thoughts that the vast majority of the book is in present tense. I enjoyed the book a great deal because of it's unusual style and the great story that went with it. The gritty closeness to his vampire is uncomfortable for some readers--but it was a blast to read. (By the way, this is coming out in graphic I understand.)
There are so many things in this posting that I like--the senses of smell, touch, sound, taste, sight, the action of the story. The confusion over the tenses DEFINITELY needs to be worked through, because it's TOO GOOD not to do so. In some sentences you've mixed past with present and vice versa. Tossed in infinitives that manage to clash--again that might very well be your purpose! One simple correction with your past tense middle would be the initial "remember is" if you want that paragraph to be past use 'was' instead. Then again, I liked the last line with its past tense dialog, followed by the present tense 'says' because it jangled. Are you putting us on? I'm terrible with sarcasm. LOL
You've simply challenged my reading here in lots of places that's cool. The "darkness is glaring" gives me a freaky WTF but "silence is thundering" works so... I have to shake up my thought process to say, if I accept the 2nd, then I should accept the first. If you had shifted the two around? Nope, I get the same reaction from my dead mind. I just can't see darkness as glaring--try as I might, but it's cool if you can!
You've taken me on a trip through the fun house, shook up the brain cells. If on purpose then thank you, but if not then you really got to get that under control so you can let yourself fly!
Then the worse part? The part I hate saying. I'm not a vampire reader, but recently I've been seeing lots of stuff from TV to books to movies that use this, "I'm a vampire and I brought you back to save you bit." Is it over done? You've got a lot going for you here, I wonder if you need a fresher angle?
JGrace:
Thanks so much for the feedback Meg! It really gives me a lot to think about!
The words in the first few sentences really were chosen on purpose. I wanted to give the unreal impression of what someone might experience when they wake up as a vampire. I wanted to replay the character's last memory in his mind.
The tense issue isn't a problem through the rest of the book because it is ALL written in present tense, so the reader takes a ride right along with the main character.
What's funny is the whole "bringing you back to save you" thing really takes a major twist: the main character is an escaped convict who has just been shot by a policeman. A vampire moves and decides to save him (and the reason why is explained later on in the book).
I'm glad I was able to shake up those brain cells. I'm hoping that people get drawn into the story and really take off with it. So far, I've had good reviews with people who've read it.
Thanks again!
JG
Gritti:
I must also say a very humble thank you to meg_evonne. The advice was much needed.
meg_evonne:
JG, agents love twists! I figured you had something up your sleeve. That's the problem with short posts.
Gritti, why thank you, but consider it as "Meg is procrastinating and not getting back to her YA" Editor called, wants to meet. Procrastinating sounds really good right now. What if she hated my rewrite of the beginning chapters? I loved 'em!!! Doesn't matter, she's more of a teacher rather than my editor. So it sounds like I've more 'learning' ahead of me. LOL
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