McAnally's (The Community Pub) > Author Craft
Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
RobJN:
Okay, so it's a bit more than 250 words. :-\ You all remember Jack and Beth from my earlier contribution? Beth has fallen asleep on the couch at Jack's house, after a very long Halloween night*, and the next morning, has some difficulty waking up. So his younger sister, Ellie, provides a solution, egged on by the other two, older sisters, Hannah and Charlotte.
In addition to "hooking," I'm also looking at how well (or not) I'm doing at individualizing the different voices in the scene's dialogue. I welcome any tips or tricks ya'll might have for scenes with a lot of participants. (The Thanksgiving scenes around the table took I don't know how many rewrites...!)
--- Quote ---“When the byoo-tee-ful princess won’t wake up, then Prince Charming has to give her a kiss,” Ellie said, matter of factly.
“I’m not going to kiss her!” Jack said.
“Nothing else seems to work,” Hannah said. “As strange as things are around that girl, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it actually worked.”
“I’m not— No!” Jack said, standing up from where he’d been kneeling by the sofa.
Jack’s mother set two plates on the table.
“What’s all the fuss now?” she asked. “Is she still not up yet? I don’t know that I have any adrenaline in my medical kit.”
“Mom, she hates needles.”
“Well, we seem to be running out of options.”
“I made an option!” Ellie said. “Prince Charming has to kiss Sleeping Byoo-tee!”
“Well, make it quick,” said Jack’s mother. “Breakfast is getting cold.”
“Mom! I can’t just—”
“Wait, let me go get my camera!” Hannah bolted for the stairs.
Jack took a deep breath.
“Okay, well, you don’t all have to watch.”
“Wait!” came Hannah’s cry from upstairs.
Jack knelt down again. Shook Beth’s shoulder. Deep breathing, a whispered word under her breath, but not so much as a flutter of an eyelid.
He brushed a lock of hair from her cheek.
He leaned over, heart hammering, kissed her forehead. It was cool, smooth under his lips.
Nothing. Not so much as a wiggle of her nose or a flicker of movement under her eyelids.
There was a bright flash and an electronic chirp from over his head.
“I’m just going to let her sleep here all day if you don’t all back off,” Jack growled.
“Hannah, dear, put the camera down and eat your breakfast.”
“Jack, you missed. You haveta kiss her on the mouth!”
“Lips,” corrected Hannah. “Mouth kissing is… something I’ll have to talk to you about when you’re older.”
“I think I’m going to be sick,” said Charlotte.
--- End quote ---
* "How long was it?" you ask? Read the blog :-P
Polarbear2112:
thanks meg for the imput!
i do have a setup on this story, that paragraph i put in happens later.
belial.1980:
Meg: Hooked. I'm definietly jonsing to see who's hung on the cross and why.
Thoughts on extracted eyeball: I wonder if a human eyeball might have a texture/shape/weight of a large purple grape. After reading the scene I imagine dropping one of those bad boys on the kitchen floor and wonder if an eyeball wouldn't react similarly. I think the first bounce would be 5-6 inches then followed by 3-4 much shorter, quicker bounces and then go rolling over on its side pupil pointed foreward and parallel to the ground. Perhaps a bit of bloody retina hanging off the back? Also, depending on the amount of trauma the eye endured I could easily see it having sustained a hematoma thereby staining much of the white area red. Sorry. It's late and I'm feeling ghoulish. :P
Polarbear: Hey, welcome aboard! I see you're a new writer here and it's always great to see new blood. There are lots of smart people here with good ideas to share so you've come to a good place.
Your piece definitely stared with a bang, no pun intended. It's a good way to grab the reader's attention. My first bit of advice is to check grammar/spelling. As Meg pointed out errors like "buy" instead of "by" or "befor" can stick out and distract a reader. Before posting something, I'd recommend pasting it in MS Word and running spell check. Then read it aloud one time slowly to yourself. That's a good way to catch common mistakes. You've got good action here and I'm interested to see who Murdoc is and what got him into his situation.
RobJN: Hooked.
I think you did a good job with the voices. They feel unique and dynamic. I like the new spin you put on an old fairy tale. It's cute and fun and I can't wait to see what happens when Beth wakes up.
Polarbear2112:
thanks belial! yeah ive noticed thtis is a good bunch of writer each with their own unique style, and its nice to have some help instead of just " this sucks" or " that looks like something that was in my toilet last night" lol ;D
RobJN:
Here's a bit from the fantasy thing I pick away at on another message board:
--- Quote from: Thorn's Chronicle ---She regarded us with wide-eyed curiosity as she sat with her knees drawn up before her, the cloak arranged about her thin shoulders. She held a steaming cup of Durin’s tea, sipping occasionally, but did not eat from the trencher before her.
We’d all tried greeting her, but she simply blinked quizzically at each of us, shaking her head to indicate that she did not understand. Ana tried Old Alphatian to no avail, and similar successes were met with my Old Traladaran and Gilliam’s scraps of Alaysian. We even tried scratching letters in the dirt but these she frowned upon and rubbed out with her feet in frustration.
“We tried to put hose and boots on her,” Durin said, when Old Seth wondered about her bare feet. “You’re more than welcome to try yourself, if you don’t mind a foot in the eye.”
“Can’t get her to wear anything but a simple white gown,” said Kuric. “She won’t have anything with any color in it against her skin. Stripped it right off and ran about the room in a panic,” he added with a chortle, then blushed.
As we spoke, I watched the girl. She watched us intently, her eyes going to whomever was speaking. Occasionally, her brow would furrow, but then she would shrug and take a sip of tea and go back to watching.
“Why are her lower arms bound?” asked Gilliam, spying the wrappings beneath her sleeve.
Durin and Kuric stared at each other for a long moment.
The girl, though, saw Gilliam’s gesture, and had followed his glance. She held out her arm to Kuric. She pulled up her sleeve, and pointed to the complex knot -- it was obvious she would not be able to untie it with one hand.
Kuric patted her arm and shook his head. The girl glanced from the dwarf to the man, shrugging at Gilliam. She then drew her sleeve back down and tucked the cloak all the way about herself.
“Bad things happened the last time her arms were uncovered,” Kuric said. “Very bad things.”
--- End quote ---
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