McAnally's (The Community Pub) > Author Craft
Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
meg_evonne:
Hi PB, I like the name Murdoc!
--- Quote from: Polarbear2112 on December 16, 2009, 07:42:02 AM ---heres a paragraph from one of the books im writing.
"surrender, you are out numbered, if you do not colmply, we will be forced to kill you.)
Murdocs footsteps were light, more agile, and his brain started to procces things at at a thousand miles per second. buy the time the guards saw Murdoc move, he had taken the pistol from the lead gaurds holster and shot him in the head with it and killed the 2 men directly behind the lead gaurd. befor the other guards could even re-adjust their aim, Mudoc had already ran to the closest gaurd near him, pulled the pinn on the grenade hanging from from the gaurds body armor, and kicked him directly in the chest, causing him to fall back into the remaing gaurds behind him. Murdoc quikly jumped behind the cover ove a flipped over metal table for protection from the blast. He did all this in a matter of seconds.
Murdoc could only stare in amazment at what he just did.
what have they done to me? Murdoc thought in wonder.
--- End quote ---
For ease in reading, make sure that you separate the paragraphs by a space to provide more white space. Dense reading on the internet can hurt this old lady's eyes! (and young people's too!)
This is a first draft, correct? So you're looking primarily for reader comprehension. I believe the Murdoc is normal human, changing into re-mastered super human maybe by the last sentence, right? This could be clarified by giving me additional info where you say, "more agile" more agile than what? Place me physically so I know and understand that first sentence.
Watch for time reporting. In the first sentence I'm present with the green sentence, then you have several time qualifiers in orange. If you put those into action the reader will know without you having to report it to us. You know what would be cool? You've got Murdoc in fast motion and the guards in slow motion, right? Tell me that instead. Murdoc's body blurred, his guards slowed. Murdoc pulled etc.
Anytime you can change a time sequence to an action verb--you're the pro!
And skip your last Murdoc thought line, let me the reader figure that out... which I did so it was a repeat.
Did you have a set up on this or is this your start?
RobJN:
--- Quote from: meg_evonne on December 16, 2009, 04:16:12 AM ---
Okay how does this hold your attention?
Set up - Eve has followed her spirit guide to the top of St Peter's Basilica in Rome.
Eve had crept out onto the open walkway that wrapped around the top of St Peter’s dome, the cold wind whipping at her clothes. The claustrophobic corkscrew climb had been bad enough, but Rome’s skyline separated by a thin hand railing had her frozen. She hated heights. A raven flew by, passing uncomfortably close to Eve’s shoulder, and then perched --inches from her death grip on the balustrade. Something round in its beak.
--- End quote ---
Good -- did her spirit guide show her to the place in 'real time'? Or is she retracing her footsteps, say from a past dream? I'm curious as to the *how* she got there. Obviously, it's something big, to have her climbing all those steps in spite of her fear of heights -- which, by the way, I'd like bit more of a sensory cue from her about it, rather than just being told she was afraid of heights. Does her stomach flip? Do her palms sweat, making the grip on that balustrade all the more tenuous? Is she hit with vertigo? How does her fear of heights manifest itself? Me, I feel my stomach drop when I (stupidly!) look down from a high ledge.
Also, I played a bit with the structure of that second to last sentence -- making the raven's appearance and landing a bit smoother. Not too sure about the description of what the raven has in its mouth, though. My first thought upon seeing "round" was "coin" or "button." Maybe a touch more description of what's in its beak? Does it shine? glisten?
--- Quote ---Mortified by the drop of hundreds of feet, Eve tightened her hold and swiped her free hand at the bird. “Shoo. Go away!” It opened its mouth, dropping its treasure, but wasn’t intimidated. “I said—go away!” She swept her free hand again at raven and it flew up into the air. It flapped its wings, talons extended, threatening, diving towards her. She released the railing and stumbled back against the dome, dodging the raven’s attack. She landed hard on all fours, the raven’s treasure spinning on the narrow walkway. It slowed and then lay, the bloody eyeball staring up at her.
Eve scrambled away, clawing at the dome’s wall. Her hands smeared on something wet and warm that covered her palms—a trickle of fresh blood flowed down the dome curve. The wind whipped as Eve traced the crimson trail upward, her eyes locking on the man’s body stretched across the top of the dome, speared by St Peter’s cross.
--- End quote ---
Ew. But who is he? I wanna know!
meg_evonne:
I got a great re-write line where to tie the raven's treasure in. Listen to this! What a great re-write. And why didn't I think of that?
"She landed on all fours, the raven's treasure spinning on the narrow walkway. It wasn't until it slowed and lay still, rocking gently, that she recognized it was an eyeball starring up at her."
Rocking gently.... oh my back is creepy crawling!
RobJN:
--- Quote from: meg_evonne on December 16, 2009, 11:49:45 PM ---I got a great re-write line where to tie the raven's treasure in. Listen to this! What a great re-write. And why didn't I think of that?
"She landed on all fours, the raven's treasure spinning on the narrow walkway. It wasn't until it slowed and lay still, rocking gently, that she recognized it was an eyeball starring up at her."
Rocking gently.... oh my back is creepy crawling!
--- End quote ---
Yes! Better. But... wouldn't it rock gently, and then lay still, staring up at her?
I nit-pick, I know.... sorry! But yes -- good direction.
meg_evonne:
LOL yes, you are right! Now where's our next 250 from you, kind sir? I know you're still writing!
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