McAnally's (The Community Pub) > Author Craft
Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
the neurovore of Zur-En-Aargh:
--- Quote from: LizW65 on August 13, 2009, 01:18:22 PM ---I would definitely cut the words "in this particular parallel world." First, how would the narrator know he/she is in a parallel world,
--- End quote ---
I liked that, I read it as establishing the narrator being a veteran of travel between parallel worlds.
Aludra:
I'm with neurovore on that. Also I want to know what the treehouse is, and what someone with the ability to experience multiple worlds would be like. Guess you hooked me. I'd have kept reading, if I'd picked it up at the bookstore to browse (Which I frequently do).
I don't like the first two as much.
1. 'Federal' threw me off. It's too mundane and I can quickly get tired of authority protaganists.
2. I dislike it when the first sentence involves violence. It sets the pace as too fast for my taste and usually implies that there will be little development of character.
These are just personal opinions, so don't act on them necessarily. I'm only one potential audience member.
meg_evonne:
Oh goodie, love the ones from the vault. LOL
--- Quote from: thausgt on August 13, 2009, 03:47:41 AM ---“Floyd Marlin, are you aware that the Federal law which you have been accused of breaking carries a mandatory death-sentence if you are found guilty?”
--- End quote ---
Personal opinion only! Not unique enough in my opinion. If I only had the one line, then I would pass.
--- Quote from: thausgt on August 13, 2009, 03:47:41 AM ---"The evil wizard spat a blob of slime, hate and magick directly into my left eye, and another in my right."
--- End quote ---
I'm a sucker for Harrison Ford intros. I'd keep going for sure.
--- Quote from: thausgt on August 13, 2009, 03:47:41 AM ---“'Welcome to the Treehouse,'” the stranger said, in slightly accented 21st century English, settling himself down in the seat across from me as I set down my pint of rich, amber-hued cider. As the language had been subsumed by Dutch more than two centuries ago in this particular parallel world, he had my full attention. I had never seen him before, so he would also have my pint in his face if he didn't explain himself. Quickly."
--- End quote ---
Lengthy and didn't grab me, but on re-reading several times, I wondered what the Treehouse was. Also the Dutch was a neat twist. Paricular parallel world-okay by me, sets the stage etc. Then why is he so pi****d off? So for an agent--no, because it didn't grab me, but as an interesting start to a first draft--possibilities for sure.
And who is next? poke, poke or bump, bump depending on your preferred terminology. :-)
LizW65:
"The first of the four horsemen reined in his stallion, hooves striking sparks on the Casino floor and sending pit bosses and players scrambling for cover. Controlling his rearing mount with difficulty, he drew his Colt Peacemaker and fired six shots into the ceiling. "Nobody move!" he shouted. "This is the Apocalypse!""
(I was playing craps last night at the Mohegan Sun and actually thought I heard someone shout that line, but I was mistaken. Anyway, the above occurred to me and I thought I'd share. ;D)
LizW65:
"Kieran Kinsella inadvertently joined the Beat Generation the night he backed over Jack Kerouac with his mother's Buick Roadmaster."
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