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Will There be a Celebration for 1,000 Registered Members?

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jtaylor:

--- Quote from: neminem on June 22, 2006, 02:58:16 AM ---Of course, you could also make a joke about this Cake ;).

--- End quote ---

I don't know. I don't think I could go the distance and pull off a joke about that Cake. I just can't afford a Rock'n'Roll Lifestyle to know how to come up with a funny joke about them. Even if I did come up with something I don't think I would be able to prolong the magic and keep the gag going. Oh well. I will survive. Maybe I could make a joke about Frank Sinatra instead.  :D

Ghoulfish:
Vampire Costumes all around and V8 Drinks

terioncalling:

--- Quote from: Mickey Finn on June 22, 2006, 12:58:30 AM ---Um, Iago....we only have two bits. We didn't expect there to be such a rush.

--- End quote ---


I'll have the chicken!   ;D


I love Eddie Izzard...

Lord Arioch:
1. City of Snakes

In heels as well! Yeah. Yes, I'm a professional transvestite so I can run about in heels and not fall over, ‘cause,  you know, if women fall over wearing heels, that's embarrassing; but if a bloke falls over wearing heels, then you have to kill yourself! It’s the end of your life, it's quite difficult.

So, San Francisco! ( singing ) San Francisco, San Francisco… Not “San Fran,” no, apparently not! I didn’t know that, I would’ve said “San Fran,” but you’d go, “No, we don’t like “San Fran,” fuck it!” Or what’s the other one you don’t…? Oh, Frisco! You don’t like that either. ( audience hissing ) And you’re a city of snakes, I see! ( Eddie hisses ) Everyone goes to a gig with a snake in their bag. ( hisses ) No other cities have snakes as much as you. I’ve been to New York, no fucking snakes; Paris, no snakes; London, no snakes. San Francisco, full of fucking snakes! ( hisses ) We did that at school! So you call it ( rolling eyes ) “The City.” ( mocking sounds ) “The City.”

And you don’t tell tourists about the weather in July and August. You don’t fucking tell anyone. They’re all going around in summer shirts, going, “Jesus Christ! I can’t see! I can’t see! Fog! There’s fog!” And it really shifts it, your fog! I saw John Carpenter’s film, “The Fog,” seen it a few times, and that fog shifts it. I thought, “Well, that’s Hollywood, that’s fog moving really fast,” but your fog is that speed! ( mimes running ) Busy, busy, busy! It could be late to get in someone’s face somewhere! It runs down the road, doesn’t it? Faster than the fucking taxis! Of which there are five…

I don’t know what that’s about. You’re a no-taxi city, aren’t you? Five taxis, all going, “I got people in.” Hours! (sounds of taxis speeding by ) Then, when you get in, they don’t know where they’re going. I had to tell the guy, “Get in the back, I’ll drive!” He’s sitting in the back, going, “Well, I don’t know… I’ve only lived here four million years!”

Cable cars are fun. Everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey. No one talks on a cable car, they just hang and stare… And the guy in the front, with no steering wheel, going, “What the fuck? What the fuck’s this one?” Pulling levers, levers… Is it four levers that just do fuckall? That it? He’s always ringing that bell, going, “Help! Help!” ( imitates bell clanging ) Endless bell ringing! What is he, the Hunchback of Notre Dame? The bell… Him and the guy from the stock market are the same person, I think. At the end of the stock market, they ring a bell. It’s the same bell. Oh, yes. ( mimes writing ) “Never link those two together again.”

2. Squirrels in Makeup

Yes, so I was going to be in the army when I was a kid. Yes. I say that, and people go, “Oh, yeah, yeah!” No, I was, I was going to be in the army when I was a kid. ‘Cause if you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy, that's where the sexuality is. Yeah, it's not drag queen, no; gay men have got that covered. This is male tomboy, and people do get that mixed up, they put transvestite there - no no no no! Little bit of a crowbar separation, thank you! And gay men, I think, would agree. It's male lesbian, that's really where it is, ok? Because… it's true! ‘Cause most transvestites fancy girls, fancy women. So that's where it is. So it’s “running, jumping, climbing trees, putting on makeup when you're up there.” That's where it is!

I used to keep my makeup in a squirrel hole, up the tree. The squirrel would keep makeup on one side, and he'd keep nuts on the other side. And sometimes I'd get up that tree, and that squirrel would be covered in makeup! ( mimes squirrel putting on makeup ) "La la, la la… Oh! ( mimes squirrel eating ) What?! Fuck off!" He seemed to say. And squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, and occasionally, they stop and go ( gasps ), as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm a fucking squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "Fucking nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit."

Yeah. So that's very much like the army-- the running, jumping, climbing trees is, not the squirrel bit-- the trees bit. And I was! I loved the army stuff, which is the running, jumping, standing still, “Found you,” ah-ah, flag, “Look,” hat, you know. Bang! I liked all that stuff, the gun thing… I liked blowing up milk bottles. You know, kill the milk bottles. Boom! Explode milk bottles. Yes. It seems fun - there's this thing of power in you hands. There's all this National Rifle Association and everyone in America is - I mean, 13 year olds keep going out and they get hold of weapons from their grandfather's arsenal! "I'll borrow the Howitzer, the M16 machine gun, the Uzi…" What the fuck's the grandfather doing?! This kid down in Arkansas just helped himself to a ton of military weapons, and went and blew away his school!

And the National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, people do,” but I think the gun helps, you know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that… ( imitates gunfire noises ) I think they should just try that, you know.

But yeah, shooting clay pigeons, I think, yeah, go for that. Shooting clay pigeons, they’re fuckers! Come round your house, whiz through ( fly-by noises ) They do nothing, they don't even eat flies! You know? Spiders eat flies, so they're all right, keep them, you know? Flies don't eat fuckall, so kill 'em! And clay pigeons - everyone shoots them in the air. Wait 'til they land! Then go up to the clay pigeon... ( shoots ) Much easier.

Yeah. So! I didn't join the army, as you might have noticed... Yeah, ‘cause there's not much makeup in the army, is there? No? They only have that night-time look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it? And they look a mess! So you can't join, even though the American armed forces have a distinct policy of "don't ask, don't tell" towards the alternative sexualities. If you're a bloke wearing a lot of makeup, you know… I don't think they need to ask, really! And so you can't join, they go, "No, no, you can't.  It's the wrong shade of lipstick for the Army, I'm afraid..." And they're missing a huge opportunity here, ‘cause we all know one of the main elements of attack is the element of surprise, and so what could be more surprising than the 1st Battalion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne wing! The airborne wing parachuting into dangerous areas with fantastic makeup! And a fantastic gun! And the opposing forces going, "Fucking ‘ell, look at these guys! Look at that! They’ve got guns. They've got guns! Jesus, they've got guns!" Ah, bugger. I was so surprised! Were you surprised? I was surprised.

Anyway, so yes, sooo… Also, if you're a transvestite, you get lumped into that weirdo grouping, you know? When I was in New York, there was a guy in the Bronx who  was living in a cave…  like you do, and he was coming out and shooting at geese and… ( chuckles ) a lot of weird things going on with this guy; and the police picked him up and they found a collection of women's shoes, and they thought, "Maybe he's a transvestite.” And if he is, he's a fucking weirdo transvestite! I'm much more in the executive transvestite area. Travel the world, yes, it's much more executive. Like J. Edgar Hoover, what a fuckhead he was! They found out when he died that he was a transvestite, and they go, "Well, that explains his weird behavior!" Yeah, fucking weirdo transvestite! ( pointing to himself )Executive transvestite. It's a lot wider community, more wide than you'd think…

3. History

Yes, and I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. Oh, yeah. You tear your history down, man! “30 years old, let's smash it to the floor and put a car park here!" I have seen it in stories. I saw  something in a program on something in Miami, and they were saying, "We've redecorated this building to how it looked over 50 years ago!" And people were going, "No, surely not, no. No one was alive then!"

Well, we got tons of history lying about the place, big old castles, and they just get in the way. We're driving-- "Oh, a fucking castle! Have to drive around it..." Disney came over and built Euro Disney, and they built the Disney castle there, and it was, "You better make it a bit bigger, they've actually got them here... And they're not made of plastic!" We got tons of them, ‘cause you think we all live in castles, and we do all live in castles! We all got a castle each. We're up to here with fucking castles! We just long for a bungalow or something.

And I grew up in the 70s, when the careers advisor used to come to school, and he used to get the kids together and say, "Look, I advise you to get a career, what can I say? That's it." And he took me aside, he said, "Whatcha you want to do, kid? Whatcha you want to do? Tell me, tell me your dreams!" "I want to be a space astronaut! Go to outer space, discover things that have never been discovered." He said, "Look, you're British, so scale it down a bit, all right?" "All right, I want to work in a shoe shop then! Discover shoes that no one's ever discovered right in the back of the shop, on the left." And he said, "Look, you're British, so scale it down a bit, all right?" "All right, I want to work in a sewer then! Discover sewage that no one's ever discovered, and pile it on my head, then come to the surface and sell myself to an art gallery." He said, "What the fuck have you been smoking, eh? Certainly you haven't been smoking in a bar in California, that's for certain!" ‘Cause you can't! No, no smoking in bars now, and soon, no drinking and no talking! Be careful, California! You're supposed to be the crazy state, the out there, the wild ones, you know? In the future, everyone's going to say, "Come down to the library, we'll have a wild time, shall we? “ ( mimes dragging on a joint ) “Don't know where that fucking book is, mate, it could be anywhere! There's a lot of 'em about!"

Yeah,  so, yes, so that was it. There was a spirit of ex-empire, this thing of “things can't be done," whereas in America, I thought there was a spirit of "can be done!" The pioneer thing.

"Go do it, what do you want to do?"

“I want to put babies on spikes."

"Go then! Go!”

It's the American Dream! "Hi! I'm Crazy Eddie! I put babies on spikes. Do you want a rack of babies? We've got babies on racks! Mmm, they taste of chicken!" They do! Babies taste of chicken! Cannibals say that human flesh tastes of chicken, so babies must taste of chicken. And chicken tastes of humans. ( nervous laughter from audience ) Good, I'm glad you're coming with me on that.

Yes, so this is all true. And so, yes. So  in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for fuck all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard.

And the German empire, very organized, they’d always build an empire, “ein, zwei, ein, zwei, “build an empire, very Prussian, and then they'd celebrate with a World War! And then lose the whole fucking empire by the end of the war. In the 30s, Hitler, Czechoslovakia, Poland, France, World War II... the Russian front, not a good idea...! Hitler never played “Risk” when he was a kid...! ‘Cause, you know, playing “Risk,” you could never hold on to Asia. That Asian-Eastern European area, you could never hold it, could you? Seven extra men at the beginning of every go, but you couldn't fucking hold it! Australasia, that was the one! Australasia, all the purple ones! Get everyone on Papua New Guinea and just build up and build up...

And Hitler ended up in a ditch, covered in petrol, on fire, so, that's fun! I think that's funny, ‘cause he was a mass-murdering fuckhead. And that was his honeymoon as well! Double trouble!

"Eva, let's marry."

"Where should our honeymoon be?"

"Well, in a ditch, covered in petrol, on fire. I've already arranged it upstairs."

"Oh, how romantic, Adolf."

"Yes, I thought!"

Fun! What a bastard! And he was a vegetarian, and a painter, so he must have been going, "I can't get the fucking trees… Damn! I will kill everyone in the world!"

And he was a mass-murdering fuckhead, as many important historians have said. But there were other mass murderers that got away with it! Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, well done there; Pol Pot killed 1.7 million Cambodians, died under house arrest at age 72, well done indeed! And the reason we let them get away with it is because they killed their own people, and we're sort of fine with that. “Ah, help yourself,” you know? “We've been trying to kill you for ages!” So kill your own people, right on there. Seems to be… Hitler killed people next door... “Oh… stupid man!” After a couple of years, we won't stand for that, will we?
Pol Pot killed 1.7 million people. We can't even deal with that! You know, we think if somebody kills someone, that's murder, you go to prison. You kill 10 people, you go to Texas, they hit you with a brick, that's what they do. 20 people, you go to a hospital, they look through a small window at you forever. And over that, we can't deal with it, you know? Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning. I can't even get down the gym! Your diary must look odd: “Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death – lunch- death, death, death -  afternoon tea - death, death, death - quick shower…"

So I suppose we're glad that Pol Pot's under house arrest… you know, 1.7 million people. At least he - we know where he is - under house arrest! Just don't go in that fucking house, you know? I know a lot of people who'd love to be under house arrest! They bring you your food… "Just stay here? Oh, all right. (singing laconically ) Have you got any videos?" You know, you just sit there all day... And Pol Pot was a history teacher. And Hitler was a vegetarian painter. So... mass-murderers come from the areas you least expect it. I don't know how the flip comes over, but it happens.

So, yeah. There was a lot of that, and we built up empires - we stole countries! That's what you do,  that's how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags! Yeah, just sail around the world and stick a flag in.

"I claim India for Britain!"

They go, "You can't claim us, we live here! 500 million of us!"

"Do you have a flag?"

"We don't need a bloody flag! It's our country, you bastards!"

"No flag, no country, you can't have one! That's the rules that I've just made up, and I'm backing it up with this gun that was lent from the National Rifle Association."

That was it, you know?

4. Royal Genetics

And Queen Victoria became Empress of India. She never even fucking went there, you know?
She was one of our more frumpy queens… they're all frumpy, aren't they? Because it's a bad idea when cousins marry! Bottom of the gene pool, you know. You're  just scraping the barrel there, “We've haven't got enough for any more of you royals there, sorry.” First rule of genetics: spread the genes apart! But the royals are just obsessed with, "Are you a royal family? Are you a royal member? Well, then you can marry me ‘cause you're same gene pool, and our IQs will go down the toilet.” Fantastic! That's why there's no crazy royals, they're all kind of, "Hello! Hello, what do you do? You're a plumber! What on Earth is that?"

So yeah. And after World War II, all the empires sort of dissolved. And we didn't - we came first in  World War II, but we were financially fucked by the end, ‘cause there was a period of time where it was just us and the Nazis, and they'd been making weapons for ages! They had a head start! We were going, "Get the tanks out! Get the… we haven't got any tanks? Then get that ice cream van out there! Get it out there! Kill! All right,  fuck it. ( mimes making ice cones and throwing them ) Fuck off! Everything! Just throw everything at them! Just… that's not… harder! Orange fruities! And Zooms! Throw the Zooms! Fuck off, you bastards! Pots and pans! Get pots… just throw the pots and pans at them!"

So by the time America came in - ‘cause you were watching a U.S. cavalry film, ‘cause the U.S. cavalry always comes in right just towards the end of the film - ( sings charge melody ) "Ok, let's go America!" ( charge melody ) "I love the smell of Europe in the morning! So, how're you doing?", we were going, "Fucking ‘ell, where've you been?" "Ah, having breakfast. So, what's going on, hey?"

So, America did well, Russia did well, and deservedly so, because half a million American soldiers died, half a million British soldiers died, and about 26 million Russian soldiers died. Soldiers and civilians, and that's just 50 times as many. It's just un-fucking-believable, you know, and no one mentions it! These are just figures I discovered. That's why they put up…’cause, I mean, Napoleon had been steaming in there 100 years before: "I'm going to kill them, I'm going to kill them, going to… Oh, it's a bit cold, it's a bit cold. Right! Ok, ok, bad idea." And then Hitler, "I've got a better idea, got a better idea… Oh, it's the same idea! It's the same idea, it's the same idea..." So no wonder they set up the Eastern Bloc! They wanted a buffer zone. It wasn't fair, but that's what they did. So that's where they're coming from.

And about 20 million Nazi Germans died, but they did start it, they did start that one. And, yeah, so it was that,  and France hated them all ‘cause Southern France was collaborating with the Germans, embarrassing! So since then, they've been kind of spiky and kind of, French... I'm very positive on the French, my family way back was French, so I go with it, but they are kind of, well, fucking French at times...


"All of Europe, you must do this!"

"Well… we're not gonna! We're gonna have a sandwich."

And Germany and Japan, they do seem to have a natural instinct in a very generalized way for organization and being military, but,  you know, there's a very strong Green Party there now, kids with beards, it's getting okay, and I just think Japan and Germany should be the peacekeepers of the world. They should be parachuted in; whenever something breaks out, parachute Germans and Japanese in. They’ll go, "Look, we've done this before, we've done the killing. Hello! Take it from us, just chill out!" And then, they’d organize peace really quickly. "All right, peace, peace, peace, peace is organized!” It could be brilliant if they could do that. That's their destiny, man! Yeah.

Italy invented fascism in 1922. Mussolini said, "Right, we're all fascists!" but most Italian people are always on scooters going, "Ciao!" And they're into football, and life, and they're not fascists, you know? He said, "We're all fascists!" "All right, ciao!" No helmet on… ( imitates scooter running ) All those 50s films, like “Roman Holiday,” it's just like that! Everyone's just cool and hangs out.

Lord Arioch:
5. Strategic Sheep

So after World War II, the whole world was going,

"Come on, Europe, give these countries back. Come on, we just had a bloody war; let's give 'em back. Britain?"

"Wha'?"

"What's that behind your back?"

"Oh, it's India and a number of other countries."

"Give 'em back."

"Oh, all right. There's that one there, and there's that one…”

“Falkland Islands?”

“Oh, we need the Falkland Islands... for strategic sheep purposes!"

Yeah. And then it was a case of no empire no longer.

But in America, it was different. The founding fathers landed in 16 ( mumbles ). They set off from Plymouth and landed in Plymouth! How lucky is that? "This is Plymouth? We've just come from Plymouth! We've gone round in a circle. Lads, back on the boats." They finally got there and said, "Ah, this is where our God has brought us to! We can practice our religion here, we can raise a family. There's nobody here! Excuse me… There's nobody here! Yes, a land empty of human existence… Who the fuck are these guys? ( mimes the headdress) What's all this, please? No, we don't want any of your food, thank you very much! Just put some clothes on!"

Meanwhile, that winter… "Excuse me, do you have any food?  (mimes the headdress) I love all this, love the idea! ( chuckles ) Yes, I'm sorry, we were a bit brusque when we first arrived, we didn't realize you owned the entire country! But you have no system of ownership? Mmm, interesting! Maybe that can come in useful later… Food! Thank you very much, very nice... Yes, there're more of us coming but we'll keep our promises." So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naïve, I feel!

Everyone fucking lies! When we were kids, we lied our heads off! "I didn't do it! I was… I wasn't…  I was dead at the time! I was on the Moon! With Steve!" And your Dad's going,

"I haven't even  accused you of anything yet."

"Oh, all right. Well… what is… what's the que… well, I… I… well… what?"

"Did you brush your teeth?"

"No… yes… what's correct? Anywa … yeah. I was dead at the time!"

Then when you're more mature, you do start telling the truth in odd situations. "I'm sorry, I've broken the glass, I've broken this… is that expensive? I've broke it. I'll pay for that, I'm sorry." And you do that so people in the room might go, "What a strong personality that person has. I like to have sex with people with strong personalities."  "And I've broke other things, I smashed that, and that's gone, and I've just thrown the cat out the window and..."

Oh, yeah! So, perjury, you know! If you commit perjury, I don't care, don't give a shit. I don't think you should because you grade murder. You have murder one, murder two; you realize that there can be a difference in the level of murder, so there must be a difference in the level of perjury. Perjury one is when you're saying there's no Holocaust when 10 million people have died in it, and perjury... nine, is when you said you shagged someone when you didn't. You know, it's...

So yes, so in America, the Native American situation, and slavery didn't do very well.  And in Europe now we've a new thing: the European Union. 500 million people, 200 languages - no one's got a clue what there saying to each other! But it's the cutting edge of politics, in a very extraordinarily boring way. Because we've got 15 different countries in the European Union at the moment and trying to get them to decide anything is a little bit, "Which… wha… is it… oh no, here, back up, you… oh, you're in with him! Uh-huh, I'm with… Oh, you're with him!" you know.

For 18 years we had a government in Britain who was a right-wing government and their policy towards Europe was one of, "No! No! No! I can't! ( singing with his fingers in his ears )" And now we've got a government whose policy is more, "Bonjour! Hola! Tak! Da! ( mimes playing banjo ) Ciao!" Britain needs to be in the driving seat of Europe. In the driving seat, or in the passenger seat, that's pretty good, you know, ‘cause you can take a sleep for a little bit... "Are we there yet?" At the moment, Britain's not even in the European car. We're outside the car, at the traffic lights, going, "We're going to clean your windows, all right?"
Yes.

And we had the Pagans in Britain. You didn't really have the Pagans here. You had the Native Americans and it was much more of a warrior, aboriginal-type existence, and... we had the Pagans. They were into sex, death, and religion in an interesting night-time telly type of way. And we had the Druids! Long white robes, long white beards, early transvestites, didn't get their shaving together; and they built Stonehenge, one of the biggest henges in the world. No one's built a henge like that ever since. No one knows what the fuck a henge is! Before Stonehenge, there was Woodhenge and Strawhenge, but a big bad wolf came and blew them down, and three little piggies were relocated to the projects.

But they built Stonehenge, and it's built in an area called Salisbury Plain in the South of England. The area of Salisbury Plain where they built it is very ( eerie chanting ), ‘cause that's good, you know. It's a mystical thing; build it in a mystical area. You don't want to build it in an area that's ( singing upbeat jazzy tune ). No, there you build Trump Tower. But yeah, so they built it there. And the stones! The stones are 50 foot high, 30 foot long, 20 foot deep, and other measurements as well! And they’re not from ‘round there, that's the amazing thing! Remember, this is B.C. ( mumbles). This was before the B.C./A.D. changeover,  when everyone was going, “Is it A.D. yet?” ( mimes adjusting watch ) You didn't have to wind your watch back, you had to get a new bloody watch! “Oh, it’s A.D., isn’t it? Fucking ‘ell!” And the Muslim people going, "A.D? Who's he?" Yes. ( hearty laugh from audience member ) Good laugh there!

So, yeah, the stones are from 200 miles away,  in Wales, so these guys in Wales were obviously carving the rocks out of the very living mountain... "Fantastic, building a henge, are we? That's a fantastic idea! That's a marvelous religion the Druids have got! Yes, got a lot of white clothing, I like that. There we go!" And they smashed out a huge stone and then they put tree trunks down to roll it along on.

"All right, walk it along, here we go, here we go."

"Help you push 'em along? It's not far, is it?"

And the Druids going,

"Heave, everyone, heave! Well done, everyone, you're doing very well! You'll love it when you see it. I've seen some of the drawings already, it's very special."

After 200 miles…

"You fucking bastards! You never told us 200 miles! 200 miles in this day and age - I don't even know where I live now! ( sighs ) I wish the Christians would hurry up and get here!"

And they set all the stones up and the Druids still there tinkering around going,

"No, that stone and this one - can we swap them around?"

So that was the Pagans.

And then the Romans came along with their gods that they had borrowed from the Greeks. They invaded Greece,  conquered them and stole all their gods... and renamed them with Roman names, ‘cause the Roman gods before that were kind of crap, you know - Geoff, the god of biscuits, and Simon, the god of hairdos… You know, they had the God of War, the God of Thunder, the God of Running Around and Jumping, and stuff. "Oh, let's get some of those! Thank God they've got some gods, ‘cause we have these crap gods, you know?"

Yes, the Emperor Fabulous put that into operation and... There should have been an Emperor Fabulous, shouldn't there?

"I am the Emperor Fabulous!"

"Oh, yes, so you are."

"Yes. And my son, Fabulous II, and him… really interesting guy... “

So yeah, and the Romans went Christian and then we had Christianity for about 1500 years. You know, Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol, and everything it stood for... Then Henry VIII came along. Henry VIII, a big, hairy king, and he said to the Pope, the head of the Catholic Church:

"Mr. Pope! I'm going to marry my first wife, and then I'm going to divorce her. Now, I know what you're going to say but stick with me, my story gets better. I'm going to marry my second wife and then I'm gong to kill her, cut her head off! Ah, not expecting that, are ya? Third wife, gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her into a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a Rotissimat. Seventh wife, made out of jam. Eighth wife…” ( makes sound similar to putting babies on spikes )

And the Pope's going,

( Italian accent )"You crazy bugger! You can't do all this! What are you, a Mormon? You can't marry all these people! It's illegal! You can't do all this! I am the Pope, I am the head of the Church, I have to keep up… ciao! I have to keep up standards. What have you been reading, the gospel according to St. Bastard?"

So Henry VIII, who was Sean Connery for this film, said:

( imitating Sean Connery ) "Well then, I will set up a new religion in this country. I will set up the Psychotic Bastard religion."

And an advisor said,

"Why not call it Church of England, Sire?"

"Church of England, actually. Much better... Even though I’m Scottish myself."

So they did! That's the birth of Church of England, the birth of the Anglican Church! Disgusting, eh? That's no basis to start a religion on! Nothing to do with the Protestant church,  I mean,  Henry just shagged and killed a lot of women and then stole all the money off the monasteries. You know, rape and pillage, that is!

The Protestant faith was different. That started probably around a similar time, but that was about Martin Luther, this German guy who pinned a note on a church door saying, " 'ang on a minute!" But in German, so, "Ein Minuten, bitte. Ich habe einen kleinen Problemo avec diese Religione." He was from everywhere. So yeah and so the Protestant faith was sort of tacked on by Queen Elizabeth I a bit later. "Oh, principles! Thank God! We've got some principles." Nowadays, Church of England is much more, "Hello, how are you?" Much more a hobby-type... "Hello!" A lot of people in Church of England have no muscles in their arms. "Hello, yes... ( chuckles ) Yes, that's what I thought. ( chuckles ) Do come in, you're the only one today! Now the sermon today is taken from a magazine that I found in a hedge. Now lipstick colors this season are in the frosted pink area and nail colors to match... And this reminds me rather of our Lord Jesus! Because surely, when Jesus went into Nazareth on a donkey, he must have got tarted up a bit…”

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