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Lord Arioch:
6. Jeezy Creezy
“We will now sing hymn 405, "Oh God, What on Earth Is My Hairdo All About?" ( drearily )"Oh God, what on earth is my hai-airdo..."
There's something weird, something phenomenally dreary about Christian singing. The Gospel singers are the only singers that just go crazy, joyous and it's fucking amazing! And it's born out of kidnapping, imprisonment, slavery, murder, all of that - and this joyous singing! And the Church of England, well, all those sort of Christian religions, which is mainly Caucasian white people, with all the power and money - enough power and money to make Solomon blush, and they're all singing, ( dirge-like ) "Oh, God, our hope in ages past, our hope for years..." They're the only groups of people that could sing, "Hallelujah" without feeling like it's a "Hallelujah!" thing. ( drearily ) "Hallelujah, hallelujah, joyfully we lark about." It's just not kicking, is it? God must be up there going, "What on Earth is that?" God, who is James Mason.
(Imitating Mason ) "What on earth is that, Jesus? Jesus Christ! What on earth is that?"
"Don't take my name in vain, Dad!"
"Jeezy Creezy, what on Earth is that?"
"Don't call me Jeezy Creezy! Look Dad, I went down there, I taught 'em to be hang out, be groovy, drink a bit of wine, they split into different groups!
You've got the Catholics, the Protestants, the Jesuits, the Methodists, the Evangelicals, the free Presbyterians, the locked up Presbyterians... the Quakers, the Bakers, the Candlestick Makers... The Mormons are from Mars, Dad, we've had that checked out."
"And what does the Holy Ghost think of all this?"
"Oh, he's useless, Dad. Got a sheet over his head these days."
( spookily ) "Oh... Holy Ghost! Holy Ghost... Holy Ghost!"
"Holy Ghost, this is not an episode of Scooby Doo!"
"I would have succeeded if it wasn't for those pesky God and Jesus fellows!"
Cause Shaggy and Scooby are interesting characters. They're two of the most major characters in American literature. Because, and I mean this sincerely, and I think it's fantastic, because they are cowards. They are cowardly characters - they believe in cowardice and sandwiches. And can you think of any in the whole realm of the English-speaking literature that are characters like that? Cowardly characters that you identify with. ‘Cause you identify with them, you're with them all the way! "Go Shaggy! Go Scooby!" The rest of the guys who drive the van, "Fuck off!" Scrappy Doo, a Magnum... ( shoots ) "Thank you, Granddad." ( general laughter ) Well remembered.
But Shaggy and Scooby; the only other character, I mean, tell me now if you can think of any character ‘cause I'm willing to learn, but somebody mentioned Falstaff. A Shakespearean character! It's that level of greatness! Falstaff, you sort of identify with him, but he has a melancholy with him. But Shaggy and Scooby are upbeat all the time, saying ( imitates Scooby Doo talking ) And you love 'em! You're with 'em! There's part of us that - Shaggy and Scooby at every stage of the way.
So if you travel around the world, and, you know, ‘cause your American foreign policy does give you a difficult time to exist around the world, two tricks: one, say you're Canadian, that helps. It works in Europe, it's very good! And the second is just say, "Shaggy and Scooby." And they go "Shaggy and Scooby!" International credit card, I think! So yeah.
7. Church of England Fundamentals
So the Pagan religion I don't know a huge amount about, but it was this earthy thing. Christianity had split into many different areas - Catholicism still has the fire and brimstone, ( beating drum ) "Row, you bastards!” You know... Original sin! What a hellish idea that is! People have to go,
"Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon."
"I've never heard of that one before! Five Hail Mary's and two Hello, Dolly's."
"Oh, all right..."
"Bless me, Father, for I have slept with my next door neighbor's wife."
"Heard it! I want an original sin."
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry!"
The Anglican faith doesn't have that. You'll never go,
"Vicar, I have done many bad things."
"Well, so have I."
"What shall I do?"
"Well, drink five Bloody Marys and you won't remember."
Because the Anglican faith had a lack of principles for a long time. You can't get really headstrong about it. You can't say, you know, like the Islamic jihads that we hear bout. We get scared about those Islamic jihads. I think we do assume that everyone who is into the Islamic religion is having a jihad every other bloody day. There's a lot of very relaxed Islamic people, and we got to understand - remember, this is very important - and we do assume that jihads are just like, you know, everyday three jihads are issued by every individual. It just seems they're everywhere . "The fruit shop shortchanged me! A fucking jihad on them!" Bump into someone, say,
"Hey! A fucking jihad on you!"
"How many jihads have you got going now, Dad?"
"Well, 24. God, it's difficult to keep up with them!"
I just don't think that's happening. But you can't do that in Church of England, you can't say, "You must have tea and cake with the Vicar, or you die!" You can't have extreme points of view, you know. The Spanish Inquisition wouldn't have worked with Church of England.
"Talk! Will you talk!"
"But it hurts!"
"Well, loosen it up a bit, will you? Fine..."
‘Cause that's what it would be. "Tea and cake or death? Tea and cake or death? Tea and cake or death!" Students with beards, ( mimes demonstrating with picket signs ) "Tea and cake or death! Tea and cake or death! Little Red Cookbook! Little Red Cookbook!" ‘Cause, "Cake or death?" That's a pretty easy question. Anyone could answer that.
"Cake or death?"
"Eh, cake please."
"Very well! Give him cake!"
"Oh, thanks very much. It's very nice."
"You! Cake or death?"
“Uh, cake for me, too, please."
"Very well! Give him cake, too! We're gonna run out of cake at this rate. You! Cake or death?"
"Uh, death, please. No, cake! Cake! Cake, sorry. Sorry..."
"You said death first, uh-uh, death first!"
"Well, I meant cake!"
"Oh, all right. You're lucky I'm Church of England!" Cake or death?"
"Uh, cake please."
"Well, we're out of cake! We only had three bits and we didn't expect such a rush. So what do you want?"
"Well, so my choice is 'or death’? I’ll have the chicken then, please.
“Taste of human, sir. Would you like a white wine? There you go, thank you very much.”
“ Thank you for flying Church of England, cake or death?"
“I asked for the vegetarian."
"Ah, yes, the vegetarian, yes! There we go, Mr. Hitler. There we go... Like a bit of wine? Thank you very much...you Nazi shithead!"
So, yeah. So the Pagan religion had very big festivals, remember, on Easter and Christmas. The Christian religion came along and had very big festivals, at Easter and Christmas. Jesus died on one and was born on the other. ( doubting sounds ) ‘Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought, "Relaxed and groovy?! No, no, no, no, no!" So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the... wood on the cross. Well, you tell me! It's got nothing to do with it, has it? You know, people going, "Remember, kids," the kids who're eating the chocolate eggs,
"Jesus died for your sins."
"Yeah, I know, it's great!”
“No, no no, it's bad, it's bad!”
“ No, it's bad! It's very bad. It's terrible! Whatever you want, just keep giving me these eggs."
And the bunny rabbits! Where do they come into the crucifixion? There were no bunny rabbits up on the hill going, "Hey, what, are you going to put those crosses in our warrens? We live below this hill, all right?" Bunny rabbits are for shagging, eggs are for fertility. It's a festival - it's the spring festival!
Christmastime, you know, Jesus born to a big jolly guy in a red jacket.
"Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho, baby Jesus! And what would you like for Christmas?"
"Peace on Earth and goodwill towards men."
"Well, what about a clockwork train?"
"Oh, yes, much better. Forget peace on earth, I don't care.”
And, you know, the Christmas fir tree, there's none of them in Nazareth. The “partridge in a pear tree” song was not sung at the Last Supper. They weren't there going,
" 'And a partridge in a pear tree. Five goold rings!' Come on, loosen up, Judas."
"Oh, all right..."
" 'On the seventh day of Christmas...’ Judy, come on, Judy, loosen up."
"Don't call me Judy, I've told you!"
"Oh! Can you lend us a fiver, Judy? I'm a bit short."
"All right, lads, Leonardo da Vinci's painting the picture, so everyone get your positions, here we go." "Jesus, why are you doing the big arms thing?"
"Well, I don't know… I just thought I'd do a big arms thing, I don't know."
"Well, I'm going to do a big arms thing as well."
"Yeah, me too! I'll call that the big arms..."
"Look, we can't all do big arms! We'll look like a squadron of Spitfires, for fuck's sake! I'll do big arms and you just look at me and go, 'Ooh, he's doing big arms.' "
"All right."
"Leonardo, have you got that one? Have you got the painting? All right, now a fun one as well, ‘member... ( mocking laughter ) "
8. God Attack The Queen
That “Partridge in a pear tree” song, the only bit we like of it is that, ( singing )"Five gold rings!" People go berserk at that point! People come running in from other rooms, ( singing ) "Five gold rings!" The rest of it, we don't know; above that, it's just, ( singing, uncertain ) "Twelve… monkeys mating, eleven… donkeys dancing, ten pigmies farming, nine… socks… a swimming… ( certain ) five gold rings!" This is a human thing. We only like to learn a little bit of a song. We can't be bothered, yeah.
The American national anthem I've noticed is a bit hazy in the middle! ‘Cause it starts strong and you finish strong, but the middle bit's a bit, ( singing ) "And fish in the sky, and a big… monkey pie..." I've seen guys up there, halfway through, just losing it.
"What the fuck is it?"
"I came second, I'm from Turkey! I don't know! Would you like some furniture?”
But in Britain we don't win many gold medals at the Olympics… because we've chosen not to! It's a political statement! Because we hate our national anthem. Because it's “God Save the Queen,” you see? “God Save the Queen.” Now the Queen lives in a very big house, she has barbed wire outside, and people with guns in front of that. That's one saved fucking queen, I'll tell you! That's the problem! She's overly saved! She has no idea of the struggle of human existence. We have to work for a living, raise a family… we don't have nannies all running around the place. It's what you've got to do in your life, you know? So it's "God Save the Queen." No! It's too saved. It's "God Attack the Queen," that's what it should be! ( singing ) "God attack the Queen, send big dogs after her that bite her bum. Let them chase after her and rip her knickers off..." That'd be fantastic! Then she'd have to fight the crazy dog with a handbag with a brick inside of it.
"Crazy dog! Crazy dog!"
"Arrgghh, kill the Queen!"
"No - crazy dog!"
And maybe she'd kill the crazy dog and everyone in Britain would go, "Hey, fair play to the Queen,- killed the crazy dog." And the Queen would have self-respect for the first time in her life! Yes. It would work. It'd be fantabulous.
But in America, you win the gold medal, I’ve seen you at the Olympics. You stand there, hand on the hearts… You and the Roman Empire are the only people who’ve ever done that, so be very careful! ‘Cause you’re the new Roman Empire, you realize that? There’s no one else going! ‘Cause the only other big power is China, I supposed, but they’re going, “Ah… oh…” kind of thing. 1.000 million, but they’re all just getting ready.
But you’re the Roman Empire, yeah! So you’ve got vomitoriums and orgies to look forward to… Let the President lead the way! ‘Cause no one cares in America and… I don’t know. In Europe, we’re just watching you, and going, “What are you doing?” ‘Cause in France they wouldn’t care, and in Britain, they’d get shot. If the Prime Minister had done something, everyone would go, ( mumbling sheepishly ).
“Can the government say what was happening on the recent affair with the Prime Minister?”
“Well, the government would like to say ( more mumbling ).”
“Thank you.”
But you do sing the national anthem - I've seen you singing the national anthem, and I've worked out how to do it. If you're lost in the middle of it and you're singing the words, because the Tannoy systems at big stadiums, you know, it doesn't matter wherever you're singing it. All that people care about is the look, because there's figures on this. 70% of what people react to is the look, you know, it's how you look; and 20% is about how you sound; and only 10% is what you say. So if you look good and sound good, just up there going, ( sings gibberish to a few bars of The Star Spangled Banner ) Big mouth! ( more gibberish to a few more bars ) The eyes! ( more gibberish ) Use that! ( more gibberish ) And keep confirming and denying things. ( more gibberish, up to the words 'Star spangled banner yet wave' ) Everyone will go wild! Oh, yeah, oh yeah!
Lord Arioch:
9. Action Transvestite
I'm an action transvestite, actually, as well as being an executive transvestite. I'm an action transvestite! ‘Cause it's running, jumping, climbing trees, you know. So I went snowboarding when I was in Aspen. And you look cool when you snowboard, you just look cool, you know? You cannot but look cool ‘cause you're nailed to a fucking plank of wood. As long as you're vertical, you're going, "Hey, yes!" ( swishing sounds )
Skiing, you can be kinda… ( wobbles about ). There's a lot of that stuff, but this is just ( speeding sounds ). And there's only two positions in snowboarding: One is looking cool; the second is DEAD! Right? Pow! So I was looking cool and I was going 50, 60 thousand miles an hour! ‘Cause you have no idea! The police never pull you over. They never, ( makes siren noises ) "Ah, fucking ‘ell! ( swishing sound to stop ) ‘Cause the police need to be able to walk up to you in that kind of condescending way. "Ok, Sonny Jim, what do you think you're doing, eh?" And they can't do that on a snowboard, because they have to go... ( jumping with legs together, then wobbling to keep vertical ) "Your taillight's out, and… you've got no… knees." So anyway, that didn't happen. No, I was just going fast, and I fell, and I smashed my head, and... my head was fine. But my neck went, "Oh, no. Oh, no, thank you."
So I had to go see a chiropractor in New York, and they're different to osteopaths, chiropractors, because of the spelling. Of course, they're both very powerful figures on the Scrabble board, though... "Chiropractor... chiropractor... chiropractor... 93 letters, chiropractor." And they crack your bones, that's what they do, they crack your bones! And they take x-rays, but it’s pointless, because whatever is wrong with you… "You've got a bad back, I'm gonna crack your bones.” “You've got diphtheria, I'm gonna crack your bones.” “Your head's come off! I'm gonna crack your bones.” “It looks like your mother! I'm going to crack your bones. " And then, when they crack your bones it goes ( painful sigh ) and then, “Ahh!” but not sort of ( relief sigh ), but ( disconcerted sigh ). All the way up your spine, "Crack your bones, crack your bones, crack your bones." And they sort of arrange you into a nice, comfortable ( mimes chiropractor’s actions ) And sometimes it doesn't crack! Sometimes it just goes, "____". Then they pull a mallet from their belt and they try to make the noise. “Make the noise! I live for the noise..." And they do your head as well, around here, and they get it into a nice position, and you're thinking, "Where the…? No, I don't think it's supposed to go around that...!" In the end, you just trust them, you trust them. They could have their fingers in your nostrils, one foot on the back of your underpants, and they're pushing your spine away with a broom.
"Well, what's this one about?"
"I have no idea."
( sings fanfare ) "Wherever he falls, there shall he be buried."
10. Heimlich Gesture
Also, if you're in a restaurant and you're choking to death, you can say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver." If you're just coughing and got some, you say, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. The trouble is, it's very difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death. Yeah.
( mumbling and coughing )
"Your hymen’s been removed?"
"No no. ( more mumbling and coughing )
"You need it removed? Right…"
I don't know how you remove a hymen... But yeah. No, Heimlich maneuver, developed by Dr. Heimlich who woke up one night, obviously, and went,
"A fist, a hand, hoocha hoocha hoocha... lobster! Yes, Hilda! Hilda! Wake up, Hilda!"
"Oh, what is it, Dr. Heimlich?"
"Why are you calling me Dr. Heimlich? I'm you're husband, for fuck's sake! Loosen up, don't be so bloody Prussian."
"Well, what is it, Günther?"
"I have invented a maneuver!"
"What are you, a bloody tank commander now?"
"No! My name is going to be famous in restaurants!"
I don't think he actually did it that way. I don't think it was ( snaps fingers ) a wing and a prayer, I think he must have experimented. He was German, organized.
( German accent ) "Ok, Hans, I want you to swallow this golf ball..."
( choking and coughing ) “I cannot breath."
“I know you cannot breath. I will now make you breath with the cunning use of..." ( muffled shot)
“I still cannot breath."
"Ok, maybe not, maybe this will… ( muffled shot )
“Jesus fucking Christ!”
"Ok, then maybe with a frying pan..." Pow!
( Hans coughing throughout, as Dr Heimlich smacks him )
"Must be a combination. No, ok… "
"Ok, two frying pans… Frying pan in the bollocks… Bollocks stop…
"Frying pan…"
( Hans collapses to the floor )
"Oh, he's dead."
Other doctors are going,
"How's it coming along, Dr. Heimlich?"
"Well, not very well at the moment. It's not really a maneuver at the moment. It's more of a gesture."
As the National Rifle Association says, it's not guns that kill people - it's maneuvers.
I'm a film nut as well, complete nut on films. I used to break into film studios; there's a studio called Pinewood Studios near London, and I broke in there when I was 15. And I crept around, creeping, creeping, and hoping that some guy with a big cigar might go,
"Hey! A creeping kid! For my film, 'The Creeping Kid!' You, you're in!"
"Ah, me? Uh, yeah..."
But no, it didn't happen! They were filming tall, angular...veterinarians that day... I didn't have my bag… And my hand up a horse's... anyway. So yes! But we've got known in Britain for making the smaller films, you know. Recently, we've been pulling out of that into the more “Trainspotting” area, but the smaller films, they're kind of “a room with a view with a staircase and a pond”-type movies. Films with very fine acting, but the drama is rather sort of subsued and - subsumed or - a word like that. Sub- something or another. You know, just folded in and everything's people opening doors.
"Oh, I'm - oh, what? Well, I’ve - oh."
"What is it, Sebastian? I'm arranging matches."
"Well, I - I thought you - ... I'd better go."
"Yes, I think you'd better had." ( sings morose melody )
And you can't eat popcorn to that! You're going ( mimes trying to eat popcorn but getting frustrated and sighs ).
Whereas if the film did any little bit of business in America, if the film did some decent bit of business, then Hollywood would take it, and they'd remake it, and they'd up the budget by 50 million and it'd be called, “The Room With A View of Hell!” “Staircase of Satan!” “Pond of Death.” And have people open the door, going,
"You're fucking in here all the time! All the time you're in here with the fucking matches! In here with the fucking matches! You're fucking doing and fucking ( clucking )"
"You don't talk to me that way! You don't talk to me that way! You fuck my wife? You fuck my wife? You fuck my wife? You fuck my wife? You fuck my wife?"
"I am your wife!"
"That doesn't matter! That doesn't matter! I say again, you fuck my wife?"
"All right, yes, I fucked your wife. I am your wife, and I fucked her."
" ( Nonsensical ) fucking matches - I can't get 'em... I'm going to drive around town and put babies on spikes."
( sounds of babies sliding on the spikes )
“Oh, no! Space monkeys are attacking!” A whole new part of the film that wasn't in the original! ( mimics battle sounds )
"Damn, its jammed!" ( dialing on mobile ) “Janine, I love you really, even though you fucked my wife..." ( big explosion )
( mimics eating and drinking everything in sight while watching ) "It’s a fucking handbag. With a brick in it! It's the Queen! Don't know who that is...” Yeah.
Lord Arioch:
11. British Bad Guys
We play bad guys in Hollywood movies because of the Revolutionary War. Yes, there’s no two ways about it. And the French, who were on your side in the Revolutionary war, they play more esoteric characters. They have characters who turn up and go,
"My name is Pierre! I come from Paris. I’ve come to have sex with your family."
"Help yourself... because of the debt of honor to General Lafayette."
You know your own history, right? You don't know who he is, do you?! What was it? The Spanish-American War? The French Banana War? What? The Revolutionary War! Hung out with Washington. Lafayette. Street named after him in New York. Forget it!
But we play bad guys, like take “The Empire Strikes Back,” from the “Star Wars trilogy.” The Death Star! The Death Star… just full of British actors opening doors and going,
"Oh, I'm - oh, oh..."
"What is it, Lieutenant Sebastian?"
"It's just the Rebels, sir. They're here."
"My God, man! Do they want tea?"
"No, I think they're after something more than that, sir. I don't know what it is, but they've brought a flag." ( cracks up )
"Damn, that's dash cunning of them! Ah, Lord Vader!"
( heavy breathing and in a deep voice ) “Uh, hello." ( cracks up again )
‘Cause he was only impressive ‘cause he had that James Earl Jones voice. ( deep voice )”I am Vader. The Force is strong with you." If he had a much more,
( camp Cockney accent ) “Hello. Look, I'm Lord Vader and just pay a-bloody-ttention, all right? Luke, Luke, the Force is strong with you."
"Is it?"
"Yeah."
"Well, who told you that?"
"Some bloke! Yeah, he said the Force was really rather strong with you."
"Well, how strong?"
"Uh, as strong as a small pony."
"Oooh, that's quite strong, that is."
The film would never have fucking worked, would it?
12. The Great Escape
“The Great Escape,” now there’s a film. A lot of British actors, I’m British, so link up there. Steve McQueen, action hero; action transvestite, link up there. The story is based on a true story about 76 British prisoners, I think, who escaped from the prisoner of war camp in Silesia, in Poland. They’re all experts at escaping; they’ve escaped from lots of other prisons, and they’re all put together, so they say, “Hey, let’s work together.”
Steve McQueen plays the American guy who is dropped into British films in order to make them sell… in America, that is, because you’d go, “Oh, I’m not gonna see it, it’s full of British guys, and what the fuck do I know about British things?”
I was in… where was I? I did a gig in Memphis, and this guy came up to me, and it was fucking weird. This guy had two kids, and he said, “You British?” I went, “Yeah,” but wanted to go, “No, I’m from Mars, actually.” “You British?” “Yeah” And he said, “Hey, kids! Jimmy Sue, Bobby Will, Fishy Bob!” No, he said, “Talk British to my kids!” I said, “No, I’m not gonna talk British to your kids, you don’t talk… it’s English! ‘ello?” And the kids were, ( shaky accent ) “No, Dad, we wanna go see…” ( Slow, slurry ) “No, Dad, we wanna go see the man emasculating a donkey over there.” “Talk British to my kids! Talk, or I’ll get my arsenal of weapons out!” So that was fun.
So yes, “The Great Escape,” yes. It’s all true, and Steve McQueen is there to make it sell, and he’s cool, I’m totally into him, I’m a very big fan of Steve McQueen – “Bullitt.” Fog… no fucking fog in “Bullitt,” does it? That film, “The Rock,” when they’re all out in Alcatraz, they go,
“We can’t send this nuclear weapon to San Francisco, we can’t fucking find it! It’s covered in fog!
“All right, we’ll have to get Oakland, then.”
( people stirring ) Oh, fight, fight, fight! ( in sing-song ) Oakland, San Francisco, Oakland, East Bay! You’re not called West Bay, are you? No, you’re just ( mockingly )“The City.”
“Are you going to “The City” today?
“I might go to “The City.”
And Oakland is just a collection of houses, is it?
So… so yes, “The Great Escape.” In “The Great Escape,” they say,
“Look, we’re gonna do the biggest escape in the history of people escaping from things they shouldn’t.“
“Fantastic.”
And Steve isn’t really a part of this, he’s just hanging out, playing baseball, runs with the van, does an escape, gets caught, covered in mud, and stuff like that; but the British are working away, they’re digging three tunnels – Charley, Barley and Farley. No, four tunnels, Charley, Barley, Farley and Wally; no, five tunnels, Charley, Barley, Farley and Wally… Nobody expects the Spanish tunnel king!
And they’re digging away, and there’s people in charge of shoveling it up, people putting breathing apparatus in, putting things on trolleys, lighting apparatus; people disguising the entrance of the tunnel so it looks like a kibbutz or something; people saying, “I’ve turned my uniform inside out, turned up my collar, I’ve turned my buttocks into a hat, and I now look like a German officer… but I have no buttocks.”
“Jawol, mein Herr. So habe ich linge wenige. Locher bekommen.”
“Well done, Simpkins. That’s a line from Monty Python, isn’t it?”
Donald Pleasance is doing forgeries on bits of tin can with a bit of jam. Clang! And on the day of the escape, they’re all there, and Steve McQueen has joined up in the escape, and the British have trilby hats on, overcoats, canoe, a bit of a rabbit… And Steve’s just there in jeans and a T-shirt, disguised as an American man! He romps out, jumps in a motorbike, knocks a guy off, and within 15 minutes, he’s in the borders of Switzerland. This is from Poland! And if you don’t know the geography, it goes Poland, Czechoslovakia, Holland, Venezuela, Africa, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon… and then Switzerland, where the Nazi gold comes from. ( imitates people muttering about Nazi gold ) I love the way you do that! Whenever I say something slightly weird, you all mutter. “I’m catching the ferry right now!”
Anyway, so yes, so Steve’s just damn cool, he jumps on the motorbike, and as soon as he gets on, the music cuts to ( sings action film theme ). The British are all down at the train station. “Can’t we do a motorbike? Damn!”
“Yes, a train ticket to… Ich möchte einen ticket to nach… London. No, not London! Calais! That’s nice and Nazi, isn’t it?”
“Ihre Pässe, bitte.”
“My passport? All right.” ( clangs )
( clanging continues ) “It’s a bit clangy and a bit jammy…”
“Yes, I’m from the steel and jam area of Stuttgart.”
The British are getting hassled, and Steve is away, and he gets to Switzerland. Remember, Jim Rockford nicks an airplane in that film, and he flies to Switzerland, and he gets about 20 miles away from it in an airplane! Steve is on a fucking motorbike and he gets there! Before him! What’s he got in the fucking motorbike, jet wings? I dunno!
So yeah, all the British are getting hassled, the Gestapo are after them, people are on rowing boats, some on bicycles, one on a rabbit, in a kangaroo, you know, in pogo stick. Steve’s motor biking away… Steve’s over the first line of bared wire, “Go, Steve, go!” Into the second line of barbed wire… Nearly makes it, doesn’t quite, but lives to tell the tale.
Meanwhile, the British are all rounded up and shot in the head! Now what signals is this giving to kids from the different countries, Britain and America? American kids watching Steve, saying, ( shaky accent ) “Steve, you’re damn cool! Yeah, I’m fucking with you, man, all the way! Absolutely! Lived to tell the tale, good on you!” You know? I don’t know why he’s Australian, but anyway… “Absolutely. G’day.” But we’re just watching it and thinking, “We’re fucked! All that planning, the logistics, everything, and we get fucking blown away.” Chip on my- fish and chips on my shoulder.
13. Engelbert and JFK
And Engelbert Humperdinck! Yes, he was the man. That's not his real name; he's from Britain, but that's not his name. There's very few Humperdincks in Britain. He was born Gerry Dorsey, not Engelbert Humperdinck. His parents were not Mr. and Mrs. Humperdinck. They never said,
"What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school?"
“We shall call him Engelbert!"
"Good, that'll work!"
No, his name was Gerry Dorsey, and he released songs as Gerry Dorsey, songs such as ( mumbles ) which didn't work ‘cause nobody could hear what he was saying. And then his managers, obviously, said, "We're going to change your name, Gerry! It's the name that's the problem." And his name changed from Gerry Dorsey to Engelbert Humperdinck. I mean, I just wanted to be in the room when they were working that one through.
"Zingelbert Bembledack! Yingybert Dambleban! Zangelbert Bingledack! Wingelbert Humptyback! Slut Bunwalla!"
"What?!"
"All right, Kringelbert Fishtybuns! Steviebuns Bottrittrundle..."
"No, Gerry Dorsey, I like Gerry Dorsey!"
"No, we can't do it... Who we got? Zingelbert Bembledack, Tringelbert Wangledack, Slut Bunwalla, Klingybun Fistelvase, Dindlebert Zindledack, Gerry Dorsey, Engelbert Humptyback, Zengelbert Bingledack, Engelbert Humperdinck, Vingelbert Wingledanck…"
"No, no, go back one. Go back one. "Engelbert Humperdinck." That's it."
And it worked! But he's dead now, you hear that? Yeah, today, on CNN. I heard it as I was just coming out. Very weird, ‘cause Frank Sinatra was just recently as well, wasn't it? Yeah. Hmm. No, this is what I heard on the telly when I coming out. ( inhales deeply and exhales ) It's not true, heh. ( exhales ) No, it is true. Yeah, he was L.A. Something happened. He was in L.A., and that's all I caught… it was just before I came out. So, yeah. ( exhales ) No, it is true. No, he was in a car in L.A. driving along and something hit him or something like that. ( about 25 seconds of pauses and audience laughter, as Eddie nods and denies the truth of this statement ) No no, no, he's all right, he's all right! He's fine! He's cooking, he's jumping, he's doing his thing in L.A. - he's absolutely fine. How do I know? I don't know, I don't know! I think he's got a cold, that's what they said. No, a tan, that's it!
But back in the 60s, though, back in the 60s, President Kennedy became the President of the United States of America, and he we went to Berlin, stood on the Berlin wall and he said, "People of Berlin..." ( hearty American )”People of Berlin." I can't do an impression of President Kennedy, so this is... "People of Berlin. Amy dumped…" No, James Mason playing him... ( imitates Mason ) “ People of Berlin, I have come to you to tell you something about the American states. I sound a bit like God, don't I? Yes. But I have come to say to you that every free citizen of the world is a citizen of Berlin. And I wish to say to you, 'Ich bin ein Berliner.' " And the crowd went fucking wild!
Trouble is, "Ich bin ein Berliner" means "I am a donut," and... This is true, and this is what he said, he said "I am a donut!" And, as I say, 70% of how you look, 20% of how you sound, only 10% is what you say. He said "I am a donut" and they went wild! Because "Ich bin Berliner" is "I am a Berliner." But "Ich bin ein Berliner," is - that's the name of a donut they have there. And it's like going to Frankfurt:
"I am a Frankfurter!"
"Yeah, we've heard about that one, Jackie."
Hamburg - "I am a Hamburger, too!" Lucky he didn't do a tour of Germany, eh? "I am a Hamburger, a Frankfurter, and a donut." But the people in Berlin must've gone,
"What did he say?"
"He said he was a donut!"
"I thought he said he was a donut too!"
"So what does that mean?"
"It's a slang! It's American! He's a donut! He's a fucking donut. Fucking donut, a fucking donut, a fucking donut. He's a fucking donut. I think that's what it must mean.”
“What do you think, Dr. Heimlich?"
"Huh? ( coughing throughout ) I don't… I don't know, I have swallowed a football and I can't get it out. Can you perform my maneuver on me, the me maneuver?"
"Huh?"
"Hilda, Hilda, get me a map of everything."
He also made a speech about space. President Kennedy said, "By the end of this decade, I have decided to put a man on the surface of the Moon." At the same time, our Prime Minister in Britain, Sir Dingly Dang... You don't know anyway, do you? You have no idea! It was Sir Fritz Bunwalla. Engelbert Slaptyback, who was Prime Minister at the time, and he stood up and he said, "By the end of this decade, I have decided to put a man on the surface of the Earth!" And so he did. But it was kinda weird, ’cause we couldn't do the space race. We had no money, you know, rationing didn't stop 'til the year 2001! I still haven't even lived that long. But anyway, we just didn't have any money. So you were getting space rockets, testing them, sending a cat, dog, a fish, a monkey up into space. The fish was interesting! We didn't have enough money to put a man in a track suit up a ladder! I mean, I would've been there,
"Go man, go!" "
I'm going, I'm going! 'Ang on!"
"Just hang on to the ladder!"
"Hello, Swindon, I am here. Swindon, can you hear me?"
"Swindon here, we are monitoring you on our instruments at the moment, we've got you on a tuba.” “There should be a bigger laugh for that joke, I think."
"Yeah, I can't quite understand it; I thought it was really funny. Swindon, a knackered, kind of Fresno town."
"They don't seem to be going for it.”
“They're obviously bastards."
"Anyway, Swindon, I'm nearly at the Moon… actually, that's a bit of an understatement, that one.
Have you got another big ladder, another bit of ladder? I don't think we're quite at the Moon yet, but I can see right over the top of the houses! Fantastic!"
Lord Arioch:
14. Moon Monsters
But they went to the Moon, Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and Michael Collins, going round and round, working out the IRA thing. And Neil stepped on the Moon and said, "One small step for man, a giant leap for mankind." Good line but not his line, I don't think… it didn't feel like his line, you know? I bet that was just given to him and he was coming down the steps going, "Small step for man, a giant leap for mankind. Small step for man, a giant leap for mankind. Don't get it wrong, Neil. Don't fuck it up. Here we go. I'm a small man with a giant big - shit!... One man, small giant, two...two mens... What was it?" ‘Cause you gotta say something, you can't go down to the Moon and go, "Oh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!" You can't land on the Moon and go, "Fucking ‘ell, I've been in that spacecraft ( stretching noises ) Right, I need a piss." You can't land on the Moon and wind down the window and go, "Is this - Sea of Tranquility? Sea of Tranquility? Is this Sea of Tranquility? Sea of Tranquility? There's no one around!” But he had a sense of humor so he should have used it, ‘cause there was that lunar module there – a fixed camera, just fixed, not panning left or right, just stationary. So he could've been there saying, "Hi, people on the Moon. As you can see, the Sea of Tranquility here, there's the mountains in the distance, there's the Earth! There, you're looking back up at yourselves there. Over to my right, I can see a fucking monster! There's a monster behind me! ( screaming ) Oh no, help! Get off my leg!" Buzz Aldrin in a monster outfit ( growling ) Neil doing a close-up with… "He's got me, Houston. The monster's got me! He wants cash! He's got my hand up behind my back. I think he knows jiu-jitsu! He wants cash for the release of my life. Send a million… - two million dollars, leave it in a bag by the Sea of Tranquility. I don't know, the North Shore! What the fucking ‘ell...?" Oh, it would have worked, wouldn't it?
But they went to the Moon and they brought back rock. They brought back rock! Trouble is, we’ve got rock. That was the one thing we didn’t need, wasn’t it?
“Rock, Neil? I don’t know whether you looked at the planet before you took off, but it’s made of fucking rock!”
“But it’s Moon rock…”
“Oh, fucking hell! This is Earth rock, Neil, come on! ( mocking ) Earth rock with special minerals. It’s rock, isn’t it? Have you heard? On the stock market, rock’s gone up three points! No, it hasn’t, has it? ‘Cause it’s fucking rock! We wanted diamonds, or sherbet or a squirrel with a gun!”
So they went to the Moon and they found rock. They’ve found ice as well recently, so it’s rocks and ice. What an exciting planet! Obviously a party planet. And they went to mars and found more rock, but it’s red this time, so… We’ve got the most boring solar system I’ve ever heard of…! And I’ve never heard of any!
And no monsters, either! Not one fucking monster has turned up in the history of looking. ‘Cause we’ve been ready for monsters, we’ve been waiting for them for so long! Pictures of monsters, stories of monsters, documentaries of monsters, films, programs, television things- not one fucking monster! Nothing, not even a squirrel with a flute has turned up. ( sings jaunty flute tune )
“Monster! Very small monster!”
“Get the flute off him, that’s where he gets his power!”
I think the world needs monsters, I think we need them because we’ve got this thing of… Humans are very good with a little bit of adversity, not too much, but enough. It’s like in the Cold War- World War II is better, the Cold War was just a negative thing. World War II had everyone pulling together against something, and there was some positive stuff that came out of it. Now that the Cold War is gone, everything is loose and free. Everyone’s a bit obsessed with upstairs, have you noticed? All the films lately, “The X Files,” “Independence Day,” “Armageddon,” “Deep Impact,” “Deep Throat…” All these things. We’re all looking upstairs now.
And in America, terrorism is starting to happen. You know, the Oklahoma City bombing, which everyone was sure was some Islamic fundamentalist thing, and you found out it was some white guys from nearby. That must have freaked you out something rotten! “These guys from around the corner? They look like us! Oh, fuck!” Yeah, bit of a weird one.
And the Aryan supremacists have come around with their ideas of “get some chemical weapons and kill people.” And you say,
“What’s the plan? What does that achieve?”
“Nothing, really.”
And it won’t work – Aryan supremacists, white supremacists, black supremacists, blue supremacists- especially the blue supremacists, they’ll never work, because if you get the same people from the same genetic group to all intermarry, hello? Cousins marrying, hello?? IQ down the toilet! Hitler was trying this’ first generation of Nazis would have been, “Sieg Heil!” Second generation, “Sieg Heil…” Third generation, “Er… Sieg… er… I’ve no idea.”
The FBI picked up a guy who was trying to access anthrax through the mail. Who the fuck do you write to for anthrax?! Is there a big desk, with people going, “More requests for anthrax? Thank you, Jeff.”
( mimes typing ) “Dear Mrs. Stevens, thank you for your request for anthrax, one of the most dangerous chemical weapons known to humankind. We have pleasure in rushing you three buckets of anthrax for your own personal use only…” But this guy was doing it fraudulently, he must have been a bit cunning. ( mimes typing again ) “Dear Sir, my name is Daisy, I am a cow. I wish to take my own life, so please send me three buckets of anthrax, as anthrax is designed to kill cattle and I want to end it all right now. P.S.: I cannot shoot myself as I have no opposable thumbs.”
Pedigree dogs and mongrel dogs are proof of this experiment. Pedigree dogs are all inbred, you take the grandmother and the great-nephew, ( mimes forcing copulation ) “There you go…” And they’re all next to each other in the genetic pool, so they look kinda good, but they just go, “Er… woof…”
“And what do you think about the latest doggie situation?”
“Er… w-woof… I like meeting other dogs.”
Whereas the mongrel dog with a black patch over a white face, furry on top and sleek down below because a lion shagged a whippet… that’s the one! That’s the one that goes on and nicks your credit cards and drives to the Bahamas!
15. Puberty
But I'm going to finish up today by talking about puberty! Which is a, kind of spiky subject, but it's interesting, because there's things like these kids that started shooting people, which you've had in America. Because guns don't kill people, it's just that certain noise they make. It's just a bullet ripping through peoples' bodies. That's what kills people! Yeah, have guns but don't allow any ammunition. There! We got it! We got it sorted! And they just go ( mimes throwing gun in frustration ) So, yeah.
But puberty was… well, before puberty, at school, I didn't tell kids I was a transvestite ‘cause I thought they might kill me with sticks, you know?
"Why?"
"I don't know, he said a word we didn't understand. And he won at Scrabble with it."
So, yes. So most transvestites fancy girls, and you can tell people this.
"Yes, most transvestites fancy girls."
"Well who told you that?"
"A transvestite told me that!"
"Probably lives in a cave somewhere."
"No, an executive transvestite did!”
"Oh, really? Well… fantastico."
So, yeah. So I played kiss-chase with the girls - tag a girl, she has to kiss you, kinda sexy. But then puberty came! Puberty came and destroyed my confidence, destroyed my everything! Which, I think, is part of the thing that causes these kids to go off and commit murder, essentially, ‘cause it is such a hell of a gear change. Think about it! ‘Cause before puberty, girls and boys are going, "Girls! ( disgusted noise )!" "Boys! ( disgusted noise )" Then it gets to puberty, and instead they're going, "Girls! Oh…" or, you know, "Boys, boys," whatever sexual preference you're going, but you just start switching on, sort of… ( interested noises ). And you think, "God, I want to get off with some of these people, I better look my best." And then Mother Nature says, "No, you will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!" ( raspberry mimicking explosion ) "Hold on, where did I get all this from? Jesus! It's ( disgusted noises ). We repulse ourselves! I mean, I used to look in the mirror and go, "Well, I'm not going to shag me, that's for certain!" ‘Cause that's what narcissism is all about, is looking in the mirror and going, "God, I'd like to have sex with myself!" You know? It's all sort of self-attraction thing. And then, when you're at the acne thing, you just go, "Uh-uh, no way!"
And parents should tell you the facts of puberty! "Look, your hair's going to go greasy, your face will become a general plague area... Here's a book on the Black Death... Tufts of hair will grow on your chin, not in a sexy stubble way, but in a continuing plague theme. Down here, I'm not going to even talk about that! But here's a picture of your Uncle Jim... ( getting scared and turning picture around alternately ) Sorry, it’s the other way up... No, that's your aunt, sorry... That's Queen Victoria." And it's over months and years, isn't it. Puberty's over months and years. It should be one day, get the fucker over with! Go into school, ( squeakily ) “Sorry I'm late, I don't know why I was late." By the time you get home, ( gruffly ) "Right, I'm going home to get a job with a drill." And that one day at school will be, ( swinging from high to low ) "Sorry, I don't know the answer to that question, I don't... 'Scuse me, can I be excused? I seem to have the plague..."
And then I had to chat up girls and I had never used my vocal ability to chat up girls, and when your voice is breaking it's very hard! It's going, ( silkily ) "Why, Susan, I really kind of ( squeakily ) fancy you. ( low voice ) I saw you in the ( squeaky ) playground." I had to chat up girls and I'd only tagged them before and I didn't have the verbal power to be able to say, "Susan, I saw you in the classroom today. As the sun came from behind the clouds, a burst of brilliant light caught your hair, it was haloed in front of me. You turned, your eyes flashed fire into my soul, I immediately read the words of Dostoyevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, 'I fancy you.' " But no. At 13, you're just going, " 'ello, Sue. I've got legs. Do you like bread? I've got a French loaf. ( smacking sound ) Bye! I love you!"
So it was all not working very well. And later on, when we become more mature, we have that line, where if you're talking to someone, getting on well, you can say that great line, "Do you want a cup of coffee?" And if they go, "Ah… yeah, okay," then sex is on, yeah? That's the unwritten rule. Doesn't always work. If the President of Burundi says, "Would you like a cup of coffee," you're not supposed to go, "Oh, I'm in here!"
"And how do you take it?"
"Anywhere I can find it big boy! Oh, just a cup of coffee? All right... I thought you meant 'Do you want a cup of coffee!' So you're from Burundi, are you? Fantastic! Yeah! No, I know, it's near Zaire, isn't it? Near Tanzania, yeah. Yeah. No, I learned them all when I had chicken pox. I have to go now, ‘cause my grandmother's on fire..."
But normally it does work as long as you keep the chat sexy. "Yes, I like my coffee hot and strong. Like I like my women! Hot and strong... With a spoon in them. Ah, the curve of the spoon, the curve of your breast! I like to run the spoon ( talking with the tongue sticking out ) across my lips..." Then you're pretty close, yeah?
Lord Arioch:
16. Splashy Splashy
And I was a very driven Boy Scout. Very driven Boy Scout! Driven everywhere I was, and... ( chuckles ) This is such a crap joke! Other nights I've never even said it ‘cause I thought, "It’s so crap..." I'm just laughing that you laughed. Anyway. But I was a driven Boy Scout. No, I was actually just driven. You know, I was just a… forget this. Anyway, so... Yeah, I had all the badges! I had all the badges, I had my sort of “Landing on the Moon” badge! You know, advanced badges. My “Nuclear Fusion” badge, and my “Menachem Beguin Disguise Kit” badge, which was great, and so I was a top scout! I was a chief scout, had my own tribe and everything, and me and this other guy who was a chief scout, we went on an outing as sort of chaperones for these girls who were slightly younger than us. So it was 10 girls, two boys - pretty good odds for a shy kid. We went to an activity center, where you climb a tree and eat a sausage and it's kind of… It builds your character so you know about sausages. And we end up in a swimming pool, and I'm doing splashy splashy with this girl I really fancy. And she's doing splashy splashy back and I'm going, "Fucking ‘ell, splashy back!" You know, ‘cause splashy splashy is the aquatic equivalent of "Do you want a cup of coffee?" Right? So splashy splashy's going well and I suddenly think, “I know! I'll turn around, I'll do swimmy swimmy, and then maybe she'll do swimmy swimmy too in a kind of chase me-chase me way and then we'd do catchy catchy and underwater sexy sexy!” But I was so elated that splashy splashy was actually working that I just swam like a boy chased by sharky-sharky! I swam, and I swam and I swam, and I was in Egypt when they caught up to me! And that's a long way from England. ‘cause it goes England, Venezuela, Beirut, Africa, Cincinnati, Hanging Gardens of Babylon... It's near Switzerland. So, yeah, it was just… it wasn't working.
And I was saving my virginity! You know, it's cool to lose your virginity at 13. Yeah, say, "Yeah, I was 13, she was 25, you know... Yeah... I was an animal! What can I say?" But I was saving my virginity for a woman made out of breasts! And I was getting on! I was 18 and they were going,
"Have you done it? Have you done it yet?"
"Uh, I'm not from your country."
Go on to college, you know, still nothing, and I thought, "Stop saving yourself for some imaginary person who just isn't there! Just lose your virginity! Just find anyone, anyone, as long as they've got a pulse. Or not! Pulse optional!" And I was 21 before I lost my virginity. 21! That's not cool at all, is it? But then I tell everyone about it, so that's quite cool. And I've done it since then. ( counts with his fingers )
But the weirdest thing of all was I actually lost my virginity a year before I lost my virginity. Yeah … weird! A year before, when I was 20, I actually had a night of whey-hey-hey-hey! So the next morning it was one of those post-virginity breakfasts, I was thinking, you know. "Hey, just sit there. ( singing ) Breakfast cereal, bacon and eggs. Bit of coffee bubbling away. Freshly squeezed mango juice!" She's going, "You're very chipper this morning." I'm going,
"Yeah, yeah, fucking ‘ell! Yeah! ‘cause last night, ( chuckles, then sings ) lost my virginity!"
"Oh yeah, with who?"
( moving head from left to right ) I did this for an hour, and I was going, "With you! With you! What the fuck ( clucks incoherently ) What the fuck was last night all about?!" You know, and she said, "No!" And we had this conversation, and the words ejaculation came into the conversation, and the world 'premature' as well. And I came back with, "No, ejaculation - mature, mature ejaculation. Not premature, post-mature, veteran ejaculation! Wise, learned man ejaculation! Mature man who does the washing up-type ejaculation..." But she said, "No!" She vetoed it! She was China in the United Nations Security Council… in the United Nations Security Council Of My Virginity. And so it just didn't work! It was… fucked me off, I tell you. But she's dead now, so... No, she isn't... No, she was in L.A., in a car, with Engelbert Humperdinck, and...
17. Bilingual Encore
So that's the end of my show, and I do like to end the show with a kind of "Oh" feeling, and I think I've done that quite well. But thank you very much for being here. I hope you've enjoyed it. Yeah... N
( Eddie comes back and plays with a clapping audience for about 30 seconds )
What?
Now I just wanna talk quickly about language, and then we can all go. Yeah, language. They do say Britain and America are two countries separated by the Atlantic Ocean, and it’s true. No, they say, “two countries separated by a common language,” that’s the line; it’s an Oscar Wilde line, I think. And we do pronounce things in a different way, like you say “caterpillar” and we say “caterpillar,” and… You say “aluminum” and we say “aluminium.” You say, “centrifugal” and we say “centrifugal.” You say, “leisure” and we say “lizuray.” You say “baysil” and we say “bahsil.” You say “’erbs” and we say “herbs,” because there’s a fucking “H” in it… But you spell through THRU, and I’m with you on that, ‘cause we spell it “THRUFF,” and that’s trying to cheat at Scrabble.
“How can we get that “OU” sound?”
“Well, a “U” will work,”
“What about an “O” as well?”
“We don’t need it, we’re fine.”
“No, I think an “O” in.”
“Well, all right.”
“And a “G” as well.”
“What?!”
“Yes, a “G” would be good. We need a silent “G” in the background, in case of any accidents or something.”
“Well, all right.”
“And an “H” as well.”
“Fucking ‘ell! Hang on.”
“An “H” in case some herbs come along.”
“All right…”
“And a Q, and a P, and a Z… Look it’s a word in Scrabble that’s 480 points!”
So yes, and we do have slight differences in that arena, but in Europe we have 200 languages. 200 languages! Just count them, I know you won’t! And future generations of Europeans – I’m sorry, Europeans, but we’re gonna have to be bilingual; we’re gonna have to be, and English speakers hate this!
“Two languages in one head? No one can live at that speed! Good Lord, man! You’re asking the impossible!”
“But the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana…”
“Yes, but they’re cheating! Everyone knows marijuana is a drug enhancement that can help you on track and field to come last in a team of 8 million other runners… who are all dead.”
I don’t know how the Dutch do it, but anyway, we’re gonna have to learn, and the reason for doing it is, one, for being groovy and just getting out there and doing it, but the second is we just lose a lot of business in the rest of Europe, ‘cause German people phone up…
“Wir haben fünf millionen Deutschmark…”
“Just fuck off, will you, mate?” ( hangs up )
“He was speaking German, I told him to go away, I told him to fuck off..! I don’t know, something about fünf million in Deutschmarks. I told him to get knotted! We don’t want any of his deutschy markys… We do? We do want that? Oh, I’m terribly sorry! Oh, fuck! Redial…”
So yeah, I’m into this, I’m into this idea; it’s a positive thing, man. I took my last show, “Glorious,” to Paris and I did it in French, and the French people came and stared at me, with that look in their eyes of “quoi?” Because, you know, there’s no standup in France, and they’re not used to English people speaking French, but I was doing it as a positive thing, because we could be the biggest melting pot in the world! 500 million people, all we have to do is melt a bit, just move it around… Fucking move it around! It was partly that and partly to just go, “yeah…” ( mocking sounds ) So I did that.
And I learnt French at school, up to the age of 16, and then I just kept talking it endlessly after that. And at school, the first page I ever learnt in French was full of things that are quite difficult to get into conversation, thinks like “the mouse is underneath the table” – la souris est en dessous la table. Just slip that when you’re buying a ticket to Paris: “Le train à Paris, oui? C’est ici? C’est maintenant? Cinq minutes… la souris est en dessous la table…”
The other line was, “the cat is on the chair” – le chat est sur la chaise – slightly more easy to fit in; and “the monkey is on the branch” – “le singe est sur la branche.” Very difficult to get into a conversation! Not a lot of jungle in France… monkeys thin on the ground… thin in the air… just generally pretty trim!
And yes, so it just wasn’t working. We go to bars and cafés, that’s where we go; we go to bars and cafés, and we sit there and we have chats in the café.
“Oui, j’aime beaucoup le cafê, le cafê noir and très fort; très choud… ( inhales ) avec une cuillère dedans… ( mocking sound ) Ah, le virage de la cuillère; le virage des poitrines… Je mets la cuillère dans la bouche…”
“Je suis le Président de Burundi!”
Ah, oui, Burundi! Je le connais bien! C’est tout près de Zaire, oui? Tout près de Mozambique… No, Tanzanie, Tanzanie! ( chuckles falsely ) Oui, je les ai appris quand j’ai les pox de poulet. Je dois part maintenant parce que ma grandmère est flambèe…”
If you don’t speak French, by the way, all that was fucking funny, all right? We go and get hotel rooms for the night:
“Vous avez une chambre, monsieur?”
“Oui, nous avons les chambres, nous sommes un hôtel!”
“OK, je voudrais une chambre avec un grand lit…” – a large bed – “avec une vue de la mer…” – a view of the sea – “avec une douche… with a spider.”
“Oui, monsieur… c’est chambre 42, monsieur.” “42? Merci beaucoup. Mais, la souris est en dessous la table, le chat est sur la chaise et le singe est sur la branche.”
“Quois?”
“Il y a un singe sur la branche? Le chat? La souris?”
“Ou est le singe?”
“Le singe est sur la branche.”
“Est-ce que le singe est dans la chambre?”
In the end, the only way I could get that line into a conversation was I had to go to France with a cat, a mouse, a monkey, a table and a chair, and wander around heavily wooded areas. “Come on, come on! Someone’s coming, someone’s coming! Quick, positions! Les positions, maintenant! Boulot, boulot! Tout de suite! Vas-y! Vas-y!
“Bonjour!”
“Eh, bonjour. Qu’est-ce qui se passe?”
“Bonjour, je suis Anglais, je suis ici en vacances. C’est très belle ici, les couleurs, les bois, très belle.”
( inhaling ) “Tu est un travesti?”
“Oui, je suis un travesti, mais pas un travesti typical. Je suis un travesti executive… Un travesti d’action!”
“Très bien…”
“Mais, la souris est en dessous la table, le chat est sur la chaise et le singe est… est… le singe est disparu.”
Cause the monkey would fuck off! He’d do his own thing. He was a bloody monkey! He was a cheeky monkey… and he knew my French wasn’t very good, so he’d go off and do things.
“Ah, le singe… maintenant… regarde. Il est sur une bicyclette. Il joue au banjo. Et il fume une pipe. Maintenant, il arrête… Il lit un journal, il a on journal…
Et maintenant il est dans l’autobus! Il conduit l’autobus! Et Sandra Bullock est dans l’autobus! Il y a une bombe dans l’autobus! Il faut conduire l’autobus plus de 50 kilomètres par l’heure. Et Keanu Reeves! Là! Il arrive dans la voiture! Il a pas de cheveux et Jeff Daniels est déjà mort… Regarde, il se jette dans l’autobus. Et Dennis Hopper, oh! Dennis Hopper, quel méchant!”
That was the film “Speed” in French, which in France was called “La Vitesse!” Or at least it should have been, but in fact it was called “Speed.” Yeah…
[Click HERE for French Translation]
18. In Conclusion
So in conclusion, ladies and jelly spoons… America, you have the American Dream, you have the American Dream! We haven’t got the European Dream yet, that’s what we’ve got to get; we’ve got to get a dream to build on. You have the American Dream; the dream is to be born in the gutter, and raise, and grow up and get all the money in the world and stick it in your ears and go ( blows raspberry ) The American Dream! A fantastic dream of money in your ears and swimming through fivers. The American Dream!
In Europe… I don’t know, we haven’t got a dream yet. Well, the dream was… ( mimics sleeping and dreaming ) “Oh… get off, you fuckin’…! Flag. No!” ( wakes up with a gasp )
“Hilda, Hilda, wake up, Hilda!”
“What is it, Dr. Heimlich, you waking-up type person?”
“I’ve dreamed the European Dream. I dreamt that every country in Europe spoke a different language and they hated each other… Oh, that’s true, isn’t it? Yes.”
That was the dream, but now, maybe now, the dream is to be in the South of Europe – to be in Greece, in Italy, in Spain, and to be on a moped with no helmet on, riding along, going, “ciao!”
That’s a pretty cool dream; it’s not much of a dream, but it’s as good as we’ve got so far, and it’s pretty funky, ‘cause when you die… you look a mess, but I don’t know, I just like it. ( mimics riding on a Vespa ) ‘Cause you’re in a fucking hairdryer. There’s dogs walking faster than you! It’s just pretty damn cool for me. That’s the European Dream, thank you very much. Good night.
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