i ..shall..commit ..vile necromancy:
from the graves of the forum, i raise the specter of..
a xmas story !
Title: ..Not Even a Mouse
Author: By Duck
Rating: S, for silly
Canon: Book
Spoilers: Post Changes
Summary: Harry has Christmas.
Disclaimer: Harry Dresden and all established characters, settings, etc. are the property of Jim Butcher and ROC publishers. The original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.
I was tired. No, I was exhausted, over spent, depleted, drained, depowered, demotivated, un-debilitated, and if I wasn’t careful when crossing the street, soon to be automotive defenestrated. But still, my shiny new house door to my shiny new house was dead ahead, and the key was in my pocket, A few steps more, a quick glance around; falling snow, check. Candlelight from the windows inside, beckoning warmth, check. Wards up, check. Gargoyles on the roof, glaring balefully at the squirrels in the tree, check. Short, incredibly fat figure standing in the darkness beside the garage. Wait..
“Son,” The voice was deep, and growling. “ I didn’t care about all those boys, because they were just boys. They meant nothing to her. But you...”
I glanced at my wards, while readying my staff. How the hell..
“Chimney, Son. You forgot to ward the chimney.” The four foot tall, five hundred pound plus old elf moved forward, the granite flagstone cracking beneath his black leather boot “Now, Son, shall we settle this like Men?”
Mouse cocked his head to the side, listening for a moment. Was that a noise outside? Harry was not due back from Cleveland until tomorrow night Perhaps he mused, He should go look. It might be an intruder. Mouse glanced at the wards candles, glowing softly silver against the burgundy wood paneling.
Not an intruder, then. Mister must have knocked over the trash can. I really should go do something about it, but it is snowing. And the food and company are so delightful.
Elizabeth, she of the long golden fur and delicate athletic build, raised a brow at him, glancing, as she leaned her sleek neck down to take a teasing nibble of her pasta fettuccini, the white cheese briefly on her long slender red tongue. The company is so delightful.
“OOF” the blow clipped into my sternum “ Can’t we just tal..CRUNCH” The next clipped my jaw like a battering ram. It was rather unfair, I had time to think, that the street would rise up and hit me too, along with the trash can, the snow, and a black leather gloved fist the size and weight of a ham hock.
“Son,” The un jolly sideways giant intoned “ The time for talk is over. Now get up and fight like a man.”
“Fine.” I spat out another tooth- my dentist was getting rich off me, I swear- concentrated my will, and from my incredibly macho position, marshaled my will and launched my strongest assault.
Feugo !!
Ok, it wasn’t totally useless. At least it made his cheeks rosy.
The violin concerto thrummed lightly from the record player; firelight warming the upstairs bedroom, Mouse lounged almost boneless on the deep plush carpet as Elizabeth massaged his back with her teeth.
Feugo !!
And the windows rattled for a second. Mouse started to pull himself up, as Elizabeth then used the new access.. to massage lower. Well whatever it is, I’m certain Harry has fried it by now.
From the rooftop, Mister the cat glanced left at his old battle scarred grandfather, who stretched out showing his absolute non interest in interfering. Mister glanced up and to the right, to the strange red glowing ball above him…
“What? Me interfere?” Rudolph’s voice was incredulous “ Heck, I’ll give you five that Dresden goes for a nut shot. Come on, admit it.. your human always goes for a nut shot when he’s losing a fair fight.”
I screamed” My foot ! My toes ! I just broke my toes! I glanced at my enemy uncomprehendingly “and they actually clanged.”
“Yes,” My enemy grinned dementedly up at me, “they do that.” The earth beneath him seemed to swell and bend for a minute, then he flexed his massive thighs and leaped into the air, far higher than even I could believe.
“Ground and Pound !!”
The Next day
The minion walked into the main meeting room, and after bracing his shoulders over to his employer’s desk
John Marcone, master of crime, sat behind the cherry wood expanse, shirt pressed, tie perfect, a cup of coffee in his hand as he glanced at Helen Demeter and Elizabeth DeDog gracefully occupying the chairs across from him. Minion 2,647 laid a plain vanilla envelope on the desk before him.
“Ah yes, the long range surveillance” he opened the folder, parsing the contents slowly, a gentle smirk on his face as he paged through the photos slowly one by one. “Dresden, of course, will live.”
Elizabeth glanced at Helen, who spoke “ He is said to resting uncomfortably, if unfragrantly. “
“What, oh yes” Marcone had reached the last few photos “I see the rain deer decided to decorate the unconscious body.”
“They did not approve of the attempted nut shot.”
“And.. afterwards, the squirrel decorated as well?”
“Normally men have to pay extra for that, but it was Christmas eve.”
“And certainly both of you have earned your Christmas bonus. Ho Ho Ho’” he glanced at the last photo, of Dresden’s legs sticking out of the trash can. “ Merry Christmas to all indeed.”
And don’t forget to come back next spring, with the return of Dr Sally, and oh dear god..
Someone Gave
The Easter Bunny
>Ke Chink<
A Machine Gun.
