McAnally's (The Community Pub) > Author Craft

Poetry?

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Berrylovely:
This one I called "Lonely Moment"

Surrounded by a crowd but alone
Talked at but not to
It's like this surreal moment in time
I know I am never truly alone
But I feel alone anyway
Loneliness presses against me
It squeezes me too tight to breathe
It's a tangible thing
I can still see everyone
Can see their mouths moving
Heads nodding in agreement
But I can't hear them
It's like this void of emptiness
It's that hollowness
Like that of a long hallway
I know I am surrounded by a crowd
And I know I am not alone
But I feel it, holding me
Surrounding me in this lonely moment
And I feel another touch
I feel the touch of my lover
Just a touch on my back
The touch brings a pop of sound
Noise is everywhere
I hear the laughter I see
And it's then I know
It was just another lonely moment

Starbeam:
Couple things off the top of my head with a skim-through(will read more thoroughly after work)--is the lack of punctuation intentional?  And this could be a poem that has really good potential to use the white space and line breaks.  If you're not sure what I mean by this, sorta like ee cummings.

Berrylovely:
In this one it is intentional. And since I do my writing on livejournal usually, I don't do much in the way of formatting. The idea is usually to get the poem on a page. I don't hand write my poems anymore because I can type out faster what my head is thinking. I can see what you are meaning thou. Thanks for the look-see.

Der Sturmbrecher:
Starbeam, you're saying that it would be better if the poem were broken up into stanzas instead of one long unbroken paragraph, yes?

If I've misunderstood, I still think that would be a good idea. The stanza gives each passing image and observation a little dressing up and more individual attention, and makes it a little easier for the reader to follow along.

Starbeam:
No, not necessarily stanzas.  Line breaks. 
Sorta like this as example, with the first couple lines--
--- Quote from: Berrylovely on February 02, 2010, 07:44:17 PM ---This one I called "Lonely Moment"

Surrounded
by a crowd but
alone
Talked at
but not
to
It's like this
surreal moment
in time
I know I am
never truly
alone


--- End quote ---

Something to use the shape of the words and lines to add more meaning to them.  Partly why I said ee cummings as an example; he would break lines and words in different ways, and sometimes use the white space on the page to form the poem, as well.  Or actually, Shel Silverstein might be a better example of shaping the poem.

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