McAnally's (The Community Pub) > Author Craft
Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
belial.1980:
Here's the opening to an old short story that I wrote years ago. I've been working on it lately, hoping to get it up to snuff.
:::::
I am Úlfr. I embraced the Rage for the first time in my sixteenth winter. Three other initiates stood with me that day: Gunnbjörn, Kolbeinn, and Jólgeir the left-handed. We wore our helms and nothing else. The winter cold bit hard; down to the bone. Ice flakes dusted my eyebrows and patchy beard. My fingers and toes were purple and my shrunken manhood looked like a turtle hiding in the bushes! But neither the cold nor the sounds of battle bothered Gunnbjörn; he laughed as he threw snowballs at us and made fun of our shriveled pricks.
We huddled amongst the veteran warriors waiting for the chance to prove ourselves. A stone's throw away I heard battle cries and the ring of steel upon steel; I heard men's dying screams and tried to convince myself that I wasn't afraid. Till this point we'd been waiting in reserve while the rank and file fought. But Evangr, our war chief, had just spotted an opening in the enemy's line and now it was time to attack. He gave the order to make ready.
Like a squall that blows in suddenly on a peaceful day, a change came over the veteran warriors. They transformed from a group of men to a pack of two-legged wild things that screamed, beat their chests, and bit their shields. The berserkers punched each other and howled till the noise drowned out everything but the sound of the blood pounding in my temple. Then they grabbed the initiates and threw us to the forefront of the mob.
Gruud:
Hooked, I like it!!
I love the phrase "I embraced the Rage" (with capitals), which deftly elevates it to a rite of passage, and possibly even more; a whole religion, perhaps, that defines an entire people ...
One quick thing that jumped out at me was "Like a squall that blows in suddenly on a peaceful day".
IMO the use of the word "peaceful" here muddles the emotions of what you're really trying to show ... and steals its thunder (no pun intended).
Changing that word to "sunny" or "summer" or similar will return the oomph, and the emphasis, to the thing being described, and might be a better fit for your metaphor.
Otherwise I thought it was great.
RobJN:
Good grab, belial. It drips with atmosphere right from the start, very immersive. Nothing like a few umlauts to make you start feeling that cold north wind.
I have to agree with Gruud about the "peaceful day" slipped in there, as Ulfr & co. are girding (or... ungirding, I suppose) for war. It's a bit jarring, and swings the attention away from the situation at hand.
One other minor nit pick (I do that a lot, sorry) : The last sentence, there, reads as if Ulfr, the narrator, isn't, and then is an initiate, with the use of "...the initiates" and then following with "threw us to the forefront."
All in all, though, I would definitely read on to see how this plays out. The very setup begs all sorts of questions about themes, character motivations, and you've already set a great tone with those opening lines. With the main character, Ulfr, already on the verge of initiation, I have to wonder just how the first battle and what comes after will change him.
Nawlins34:
Before I post mine, I want to think the OP for starting this game. It has really given me the chance to understand (at least as best as I can) how to go about the story content vs. word ratio. I love how it's forcing me to pack as much interest into that amount of words as possible and I'm going to try to continue that. Hopefully I hit that mark, if not I will continue to try. I love most of what I've seen so far, there is alot of "windows" of univereses I would love to read in a book one day in this thread.
Starbeam: Hooked, I liked it!!
And here's my contribution. It's not my main WIP but it's something I'd like to work on once I'm more comfortable.
(250 word cap starting now)
“The irony of it all…” Tim said crouching over her body, “She has black and white furniture here, yet the moments before her death is a ‘gray’ area.” He muttered.
“Why is he talking like I’m not even here? “Asked the worried soul.
“Pay him no mind, Joann” I said. “He’s not from our time.” I got up and walked over to comfort her as best as I could. “So you’re certain you didn’t know the person who killed you?” I asked.
Joann was hesitate with a response. She simply closed her eyes and looked down.
“Joann, I understand this is a bit…..” That’s all I could muster when she raised her head up again with cold dark eyes open….
I felt the chill before the words were spoken.
“No,but you do, Nathan."
The unholy scream from Joann forced me and Tim to our knees in agony. This pain was like nothing I ever felt amongst the living. It felt as if I was dying again……… All I could do was lie on my face and stare at the empty floor.
Where Joann’s soul suddenly collapsed. The pain stopped as soon as she landed. I jumped up immediately and backed away. “Remember the rules….” Said the deep chilled voice behind me. I turned to see…..Death.
Death muttered some words and Joann’s soul was gone.
Second by second he faded away in thin air and with his evil grin he reminded us in Joann’s voice, “Remember the rules...."
meg_evonne:
Beliel, yep even peaceful me would be hooked. I scratched my head trying to figure out they were able to check out each others turtles when it's so d*** cold. LOL Seems to me that would be the last part a man would be showing off in freezing weather. :-) Also if they are brand new to battle, seems to me this would be the least of their concerns with "A stone's throw away I heard battle cries and the ring of steel upon steel; I heard men's dying screams" Still better a turtle that purple!
Really neat beginning!
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version