*BUMP*, as I'd really like to find out if the section in bold gets the description across or not. Thanks again.

Yay for good news!

World building is often the most fun for a lot of folks - so much so that they can get caught up in that and never get writing.

But glad things are going better.

Doh-you're right. Its IS the proper possessive for 'it'.

It is set in the solar system in the year 2130 (or thereabouts). All of the people in the scene were born on Earth with the exception of the main character (Lieutenant Mitchell) who spent a fair amount of time there.

As for pop culture - that's up in the air. There is previous veiled reference to certain 'classic' media like the "Alien" series. There is no interstellar travel and there is no open-air holographic technology, though there are holo-globes. Technically you could have a holo-deck type device, but it would be like standing in a fog cloud.

The main question though is, assuming that they do know what both a mantis and a grasshopper look like, does this description present to the reader a decent image of the creature discussed, using the images and comments afterwards for comparison?

Hello all!

I am trying to describe a first encounter with a particular alien species. I've included a touch before it for context (not that context matters much in this case). There is a lot more background, but I've bolded the key section that I'm worried about. Note that I have obviously not decided on names, and since the creature actually is an 'it', does it get to have "it's" or still just "its" for possessives?

The question is, what does this description convey to you, or basically does it do the job? Links to related images after the piece.

Thanks for any help and thoughts.
-Matt

---

"Glad that's taken care of," he ground out. The suit had administered localized anaestetic, but it only cut the pain - it didn't remove it completely. He rolled over onto his back and took in the room, grimacing as bolts of agony shot up and down his arm from the epicenter where he'd been hit. The room was covered in a green gel-like gore. He started to sit up, but a shadow passed quickly over his head and something landed on his face and torso. He fought a moment of panic as he took in a swarm of legs and double rows of pulsing holes on what looked like a giant thorax. He heard a boom and the creature disappeared, the weight on his upper body gone with it.
"Bugs," came <>'s voice, "why did it have to be bugs?"
Mitchell scrambled up and self-medicated. This particular drug had once born more than a passing resemblance to caffeine. It would artificially increase his pain tolerance and work synergistically with the non-narcotic painkillers to help keep him functional. The floor was littered with orange, yellow, and rust colored chitinous body parts. "Thanks <>," he said, glancing at the creature that had been blasted off of him. They could examine these things later. "Secure the corridors. How's <other guy who got hurt>?"
"I'm ok L.T." <other guy> had moved out of the lock and it was cycling behind him. He was already on his feet. "Beam really heated up the suit, and then it caught a joint. Lucky shot. Lost hip power for a second there. Secondary is online, but the suit's still radiating." The suits could take a beating but the energy still had to go somewhere. The outer skin could disperse most of a beam weapon, but what it didn't disperse would heat up the interior. Each section of skin could only disperse or absorb so much energy. A sufficiently powerful and narrow beam could overwhelm the skin's limits in a given section. Once that limit was reached, the weapon would punch through the other armor layers and finally into the meaty center.
The lock spun open and Top rushed into the room with the other <4?> platoon members. "Are you all right Lieutenant?"
"Fine Top," he said, then added in a bad British accent, "It's just a flesh wound."
From the right tube access, <> called out. "Nothing coming, L.T., but look at this thing." He nudged a mostly intact insectoid body, then jumped back and brought up a weapon when it twitched at the contact.
Mitchell quickly held up a hand. "Wait!"

<person> backed a few more steps away and they all watched a jumble of limbs sort itself out. The creature looked like a praying mantis crossed with a grasshopper. It had a short vertical torso segment. Near its head was a pair of barbed arms extending from either side of the torso. Complex colored marking were inset - artificially, it appeared - into the chitin. It reached up with the left arm and gripped the wall, then pulled the legs underneath its body and pushed, wobbling, into a standing position. The elongated body hung between its two sets of legs as if it were being carried, front legs keeping it higher off the ground while the rear of the body hung low. Thick, sturdy, powerful-looking rear legs jutted up above the body to a joint before a long section reached to the floor below. The front pair of legs were smaller, but still looked sturdy, though the chitin was cracked. One arm hung limp from its "shoulder". As the creature moved Mitchell saw that the arm was detached and hanging from a string of tissue.

---

Vratix:
http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/thumb/5/57/Vratix_UAA.jpg/250px-Vratix_UAA.jpg
Those big legs would be in the rear on my creature. Shorter torso and more body slope.

Mantis:
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Pk3jJ8hnWXo/S8_8-993UDI/AAAAAAAADM4/OMzy8I8aDP8/s1600/praying_mantis_india.jpg
Shorter torso, slightly less elongated body, much thicker legs, otherwise about right.

Something Starbeam said in another topic got me thinking.

So wisdom says, rightly so "Don't build a roller coaster with only one hill." Basically as we plot, we want a series of growing struggles. If you look at your classic quest fantasy story, plot build-up (plaque build-up? I wonder if plot build-up can be cured with brushing<G>) tends to look more like a climb up a mountain with a slide on the other end.

Anyway, in my main project I have two split story lines - a space battle and a ground battle. They split off about... maybe 30%-40% in. There are a few extremely minor ups and downs before that, but I mean extremely minor, including a fake.

So basically the story is:
Prologue -> Intro -> Background and Setup -> Short plot fake and build -> Split plotlines -> 2-3 rise and fall sets per plotline -> Climax for each.

This means a good number of things are going on, but is this an 'out'? In other words, if there are six climax/fall sets plus two real climaxes, with much of one plotline being solid action without as much background as the other side, is this cheating?

How far into your story are you before you start hitting plot points or crises? Technically for me it is right away in the prologue, which sets up everything else, but I'm not counting that one.

I'm still writing! I'm approaching 70k words, and I have mapped out the basics of both the major and minor story arcs of this, the first book, through the 5th. The sixth is the final, and I have a very basic skeleton for that too. Target is finish 100-120k by early December, edit, submit.


@Enjorous - Any idea why?

Maybe part of the process should be not 'making them so freaking awesome' to begin with.

A character who can grow is pretty cool. One that can't - eh. Similarly, one of the key interesting things I've learned is: when you get to a point where the character has to make a decision or overcome a problem, think of all the things that come to mind. Write them down. Then throw them out and look for something different. If your readers just go "well of COURSE he's just going to whip out the gun (since he's faster than everyone else) he has secreted up his rear (since he's tougher - or maybe just more disturbed) shoot all five terrorists that are holding hostages in front of them, but shoot them in the head (since he's a better aim, and see: faster), and head home for the day" then they don't need to read the book. You know?

Character flaws are great, but don't make up for a character who is otherwise 'perfect' when it comes to getting the plot done.