It was a dark and stormy knight, and unfortunately, as far as I knew, Batman was fictional. And didn't rock chainmail. Or the weather.
Without my realization, my very first reaction was flicking that Force FX lightsaber to life. Then perhaps a big old by the book gulp.
He was beside me, easily keeping pace, but at least his sword looked like it was the real deal. THING was close enough I could hear it breathing and growling behind us. "Growling? Geez, where the heck did I park the D*** Scoobi Van?!?" I sincerely hoped it hadn't been towed again...
Damn, I hoped it was one of the other two as I didn't need anymore problems with the neighbors.
These are the thoughts raging through my head as I dangle there. The rain building small puddles upon my face that try desperately to cling to my face but fail miserably falling to the earth to join the forming puddles like discarded spartan babies from that 300 movie.
The knight's hand tightened on my throat, reminding me that I was in the middle of a rendition of Clint Eastwood's "Hang 'Em High", minus the rope, plus a screwed in the head paladin wannabe as wide as I was tall.
Then he let me go and I almost fell to my knees. Air. Sweet humid clean air. I gulped lungs full of it for a few seconds and managed to choke out "What...?" I wanted to say "what the hell are you talking about" but my abused throat objected and I started to cough.
At which point I launched myself to my feet, sort of latched onto his wrist and hand and pried the lightsaber away, and sprinted down the street, really, really wishing the weapon were real.
Of course, then it was.
That was when an unexpected thrum of energy came from the device in my left hand as I swung it in hopes of deflecting his massive hand.
As I sat up, I noticed a series of deep, perfectly-cut gouges in the asphalt along my route-of-stumbling, leading up to an armored hand.. resting at the feet of the knight.
If she'd left the lightsabre as a decoy to get them to come after me, she was on the run with something even more valuable, something that this Knight knew nothing about. SomeONE probably bigger and meaner than these two was watching and waiting. I swore that this time, I'd hand them Debbie's head on a platter and hightail it out of Dodge
With the few minutes left before the train reached the station I needed, I wondered if I'd remembered to set the Tivo to record House.
I was wondering how I was gonna pull off dragging the carcass of the messenger beast without attracting the attention of the party going public that inhabited downtown on a Friday night. I was just getting ready to fake a foo-doggish stole when the lights in my lonely car went dim, then out completely.
"Crap." That was an understatment...
And the beast swallowed me, body and soul. With as great an ease as it had swallowed the hand...
"Debbie?" :D
"Wrong, sweetie. But she's on the list too.""What list?" I said bluntly.
"Yes, that's what it was" I said patienty as if I was talking to a child, then it dawned on me what she had just implied, "What was it really?"
My "lawyer" smiled, "Well isn't this a happy family now?"
"Oh, dear Debyone. How naiive you are." Andre said, "The Wildflower is our life source. The search has become far and wide. The King is doing whatever he can to get it back," he ran his thumb over his throat in a menacing way, "You know, lest the Emperor exact in interest what was taken." He gave a wild, ammused chuckle, and I wondered how long he'd been in these dungeons, "As a matter of fact...out of all the people who have had their heads lopped off these last couple days, we're probably the only ones who have actually come into contact with the device in question."
Okay, either option didn’t sound good, especially if the ‘bonded’ person in question had to work with the floating stink bomb…
A huge, wet splash coated my back and neck. I knew it was blood. I could smell it. I rolled left until I hit the dirt sides of the stairway. I crouched there for a second debating whether to make a run for freedom as the battle raged, or head back to the relative safety and security of prison.
No one seemed to notice the shaking blood drenched captive from below as I stumbled up to the ground level and scrambled on all fours toward the first shelter I could see. People of all shapes, planes, and nightmares were moving toward the battle zone arming themselves in various ways. Wheather it was to help the spiders or Mr Fart-In-The-Wind with an attitude, I didn't know or care.
Things were looking up for the first time in a long while.
And I'd bet you can guess what happens if that unfortunate circumstance falls into place." She paused for effect.
"Earth will fall to the Empire."
He smiled crookedly as my guardian jumped in, "He means you can't wish for something, you have to actually need something for it to happen." She smiled again, "so if you are protected, reasonably cared for, and mostly safe, the connection you have will not be forced to take a hand in things. You do not have power whenever you want it."
“There’s a third requirement. You must be a virgin to bond.” This came from the lawyer. I gave her my best withering stare, which she countered with what I assume was her best amused snicker. Well. I was starting to think I really needed a drink.
I gave her another withering glare and considered jumping out of the helicopter.
"well, ok..." I winced at how meekly my voice came out. "but if I am bound to wildflower the realm, what does this stupid FX lightsabre have to do with this?" I waved a hand, swiftly of course, past the rather beaten-looking handle poking from behind my back.
“Could you please be a little more cryptic, this is all way too straight forward for me.” Again, my withering stare and rapier wit was lost on present company. Well, maybe not the wit part, since they all laughed hysterically
But it was gone in moments, he just flicked the had back down over his eyes and leaned against Debbie. It was a toss up whether it was to annoy me or because she provided a nice pillow.
I sat up, looked around, and turned off the lightsaber. So much for the way of the Jedi.
And I did the obvious next dumb thing... I jumped.
He grinned a crocodelian smile, "Fine, oh ye of little thought." He pulled out a small knife, and within moments sliced the ropes that held me up."
Then, well frankly, I fainted and the pain did stop. At least I hoped I fainted, as I slipped into unconsciousness I had the unpleasant thought that maybe I was dying. 'Great' twice in one day. That's probably a record.
BTW--do we have a title Virgin King of the Universe? ;D
How could my survival be more beneficial to him than his own survival? Did it have to do with his wife? The Emporor's New Concubine? Then again, who knew except Andre and the hat?
"No father, I have not."
I always hated to see her cry.
The door creaked open.
It burned its way down my throat as I lay convulsing on the table, and then the world dimmed, went dark, and the sound of the healer’s chanting slowly faded away as I passed out.
"I want you to tell me where Andre and Debyone Ursula are."
Her words sent chills down my spine that quelled the rising heat south of the equator.
"how can I assist you?" I croaked.
"Of course, my boy, the resources of my castle are yours to use, until you are of sufficient health to start your duties to the Realm". with that he turned and flowed, no stepping, it was like he glided, out of the room.
I hadn't gone far, when I saw a glint off a mirror perhaps up in a tree that settled on my face. Looking up, I saw Debbie and Andre--I'd rather they were miles away and safe. One, I didn't really trust them to have my benefit at heart and I saw no way that they could help me without coming to peril themselves. Still they were there and I hoped would remain out of sight.
Debbie and Andre were gone from their perch. So I was being followed.
That's when Cloud who Farts, showed up.
Behind them came Friar Tuck with one huge turkey leg the size of my arm.
“Who is Incredible Hulk?” asked the Incredible Hulk. “My name Humbert!” he laughed.[/QUOTE}
I stood there for a moment in absolute shock at the man with a laugh jollier than that of Santa Claus, "Debbie, who is this guy? Who are the dwarfs?"
She snorted, "That's, actually, exactly what they are."
My day just kept getting better and better and freaking better. "Yeah," I growled back, "Where's Snow White?"
She gulped, looked at Humbert, then looked back at me, then back at him, "Joey! Show some respect!"
"Why?" I whispered back.
"They're the Crane's Guild." As if that explained everything, "They're a secret guild of magic users that have pledged to only use good magic. They sprung up not too long after the Emperor conquered Wildfire and started enlisting all magic users into his corps. They...refused to fight, among other things..."
Humbert's great booming voice entered the conversation. He wasn't angry, I just assumed this was the natural state of his voice, whether he was happy, sad, angry. Right about then I would have gone with sad more than anything else. "Emperor is a terrible leader of men. He forces people to serve him, and then changes their shapes. Turns them to monsters that should not tread anything, not air or water, earth or sky."
My heart skipped a beat as my mind made a connection, "Like, Farts in the Wind? The...that Gascious Cloud of Evil, that's what he turned the magic users into?"
Debbie shook her head, "No...his kind existed long before sentient beings walked this world. He's talking about the spider warriors that attacked us. They are the Emperor's army. All magic users were ordered to report for duty...and forced to change the shape of their body and heart to best fit the needs of the Empire..." She spoke with pain in her voice, like the very thought disgusted her, and I suspected she had some personal connection to the atrocity.
But...the spider-folk had been scary enough when I thought they were just your plain ol' generic monster. But the thought that those things were once people gave me goosebumps. Would this guy stop at nothing?
Before I could ask anything else, Debbie rose to her feet only to abruptly drop back down onto her hands and feet and bow a moment later. "Great Sage Humbert. My name is Debyone Ursula, and you have my greatest thanks to you for healing my arm...If I may beg one more thing of you. I cannot help but feel there is some sort of fate involved in our meeting here. My...father," She seemed to struggle with the word, "has been taken by the King and his men, he awaits execution in the dungeons for the thievery of the Wildflower. I beg of you to help me free him."
More sadness crossed across Humbert's face, it had never occured to me that a man like THAT could be sad about anything, ever. But it seemed as though he was a perfect example of the gentle giant. He placed a large hand on Debbie's shoulder, gently, reassuringly, "Rise. I do not like people to bow before me. I have done nothing deserving." Debbie slowly rose to her feet, and Humbert continued, "Child, I understand your plight. But cannot help. If all who attained power such as mine used it simply at his own will to change fates of men then the world would be filled with tyrants like the Emperor."
Wow...Incredible Hulk, Santa Claus, and Buddha all wrapped into one ginormous package.
"Please," She begged, "You're the only one with the power."
Oh yeah, I was suddenly overcome with an overwhelming feeling of her absolute faith in me.
He took his large eyes off of her and looked straight at me. I could have sworn he was staring right through the layers of pasty skin, thin covering of muscles, guts, cells, atoms, and looked into my very soul. It wasn't unpleasant like all the movies suggested such an intrusion would be. He just calmly looked through me and seemed to instantly have a grasp of everything from my history to the nature of my being. It was an interesting experience, I knew the importance of what just happened, but my emotions just couldn't seem to register it to form any kind of an emotion around it. "It seems," he said in a deep voice, "That I am not."
It was an interesting experience, I knew the importance of what just happened, but my emotions just couldn't seem to register it to form any kind of an emotion around it. "It seems," he said in a deep voice, "That I am not."
Debbie looked over at me for support, like I would help her tell them I was an idiot. I shrugged, "I'm willing to try." I said, and she looked like she wanted to slap me, so I continued looking at our new friends, "but I could use some help."
I wasn't ready for one of his massive hands to come flying towards my face.
“You’ve seen how the Wildflower protects you,” he shouted. “Now it’s time for you to use your magic to protect the Wildflower.” Humbert advanced slowly with the mace held stiffly out in front of him. I could see blue energy crackling up and down its length. Magic? What magic? I had no idea what I was gonna do.
Andre struggled against his guards, but gave up quickly, despondent. What was the point? Yamila didn't love him, the ruby bracelet on his wrist left him useless, and the gallows waited below. He could only hope that Debyone had the good sense to leave this world immediately and seek safe harbor.
She wore strangly feminine, large, round gold earrings. Yep, she was amazing, but she was also our lesser niminesis, Reza. Great. Now what?
Well it was safe to say that this situation both sucked and and blew; did I kill Andre? Or did I destroy the world as we know it… by default?
...and exploded outward in a way that no one in the courtyard should have survived, much less either of the men at its center.
"That's super, Humbert, heal me. It freaking hurts everywhere."
Damn. Now where did she come from?
"Andrea?" she said looking at him with large doe eyes.
With that, well, I guess the best comparison I can make is that I clicked my ruby slippers and willed myself home.
"No, I'm afraid not."
I smiled. So, Detective Frances DID know what it was like to be the Wild-bound.
Uh, they didn’t tell you about that? Oh boy
The Wildflower hummed at my side, not a warning type humming. Maybe it was an "I'm so sorry I screwed up your life, Joey" type way.
It wasn't until he left me alone in the apartment that I realized I didn't know dick about investigation.
I covered my chagrin by grabbing another donut, "Well yeah, of course, what I meant was...ah..." I took a bite to stall and give me time to think of an excuse, "What did you tell everyone N.A.I.F. stood for?"
For some crazy reason I can’t explain right now, I was starting to expect that our Ms Carrolton worked for an insurance company just about as much as I had passed my Interpol entrance exam. Can’t think why.
Trouble was--it wasn't quite fast enough.
"It's good to see you, Debbie. They call me Joey Capp now. I have a Interpol ID card and everything."
She smiled back. "That's cool."
We stepped out as one.
Debbie didn't look pleased as she concurred. "This one isn't going to be swept under the carpet. Magic has been found--alive and well on Earth. What do you think will happen now, Joey?"
I shook my head and tried to imagine what I would have thought if someone started showing pictures of flying dragons on the news. "Debbie, I don't have the slightest idea."
Carrolton smiled a business woman's smile, "Naturally-Driver, take us to Mr. Clapp's apartment."
"It's Capp." I insisted childishly. Somehow I felt that between Andre acting like a snot, and Carrolton acting like a snob, that this was going to be a very long night.
She gave a general 'Hello' and turned back to me. "The first wizard of earth." she saw something on the table she liked and picked up a container and some chopsticks. " If Earth is no longer the furthest world from the center then magic is going to start cropping up all over. I'm the first one that has shown the kind of power you see on other worlds in wizards, or shaman or whatever you want to call them."
Debbie was right, this called for a collective 'oh shit'.
Oh shit.
Then I considered Andre's other two, better options, both of which seemed pretty damned dismal.
Debbie was right, this called for a collective 'oh shit'.
Oh shit.
Everyone looked to Amy for an answer but I shocked everyone in the room, including myself, as the answer came to me through my connection with the Wildflower.
Debbie gave him a smile that should have been mine, "That's a great idea! I can't believe I didn't think of it!" She looked up at me. "Joey, I know you guys have been antagonistic in the past, but I really think you could learn from the old man here."
...and still, the night managed to get worse.