Raymond North - Infernal Ex-Spy Troubleshooter
Excellent.
"When you're a spy, sooner or later you have to deal with a Wizard. The thing to remember about Wizards is they can summon and control unbelievable amounts of power. And given advanced warning and time, then can set up enough magical protections to rival Fort Knox. And if you manage to fight through the summoned creatures, invisibility spells, mental compulsions, and magical barriers and stand toe-to-toe with one, you may feel as if you've accomplished something. But even if you take him out, you still have to beware something they call a "death curse." That's why assassins who like avoid being turned into a toad will opt for a high-velocity sniper round from a quarter-mile away. But if you can't set that up, the next best thing is to [Changes Spoiler] convince him he has a child. Wizards are functionally immune to venereal diseases, so they tend to engage in a lot of unprotected sex. Plus, their hex field makes it nearly impossible for them to own a television, so even the most bored wizard hasn't had the opportunity to watch Divorce Court, Maury Povich, Jerry Springer, or any other daytime courtroom or reality television. So if you can convince him he has a fake child allegedly born out of wedlock, any wizard is going to assume the worst, and submit to your demands. And if the wizard is a female, you may think the ruse won't work, but persevere. If she calls you into question, just say that it "happened in the Nevernever." Whatever that is. It seems to mean something to wizards.