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kero319:
I wrote this "chapter 1" about a year ago, but was caught up in other aspects of life. I just found it going through My Documents. Anyways, let me know what you think. Obviously, its a little amateur, but I'd like any constructive criticism
Thanks

-Alex

Edit: New draft and prologue below

Roaram:
this chapter one hooked me pretty good. if this was the teaser page I might pick up the book. I really like the last line, how your character doesn't what he did, but did know he could do it.
If you have any more chapters or story, I would really like to read them.

on the constructive critisism front, I personally don't care for the opening paragraph. too much foreshadowing, and unless pshycic ability is what you are going ffor, too prophetic. Also, I think it sets up a more ominous threat than the badguys present for your guy.
the dialogue is rough, but easy patched. let the muggers swear, or make lewd comments. something natural for the rougher types. and when "kale" refers to them as gangsters, he sounds like he's  in the 40's. maybe use newer terminology like gang-bangers or wannabe toughs. other than that all I would suggest is during action sequences try getting a reader to describe or act out what you just wrote, if they get it right, great if they loook silly or wrong, clean it up.

constructive critisism done. I just want to say you  got me intrested, and I don't like most urban fantasy. I hope this helps, and I hope this wasn't to foreward or just not cool of me to say.

kero319:
Thanks for the ideas/criticism! and no your not being to foreword, im looking for straightforward criticism anyways.

Um, hope this doesnt ruin what you liked about it, guess i should clear it up in next draft. Kale knows what he did, but doesn't know how he's able to.

This was my all out first draft, so after a few more comments, if i get any, im gonna go ahead and rewrite it.

Edit: Prologue in post below

Roaram:
not ruined at all, I just like the sense of mystery, like that he doesn't really know everything about what's going on.

the teaser page just enforces this, and intrigues me more.

Still very intrested. if you need another test reader or anything I would be happy to help. or I will just keep responding

azjayp:
I agree with Roaram. it is a good start.

for the constructive critisism:

Like Roaram said, "gangster" sounds like you are from the 40's. Now adays "gangsters" have goons whack a guy. also, i would suggest thinking about what people say and do to keep them in character. i don't think that any gangstas will talk like that, they are definately more crass. also, when they are waiting around to cause trouble, an aluminum baseball bat is so inconspicuous that they wouldn't have it on them for fear of cops getting the wrong idea (justifiably). lastly, no thug will throw his knife (especialy a switch blade which is illigal and hard to get your hands on).

i think that if you have a clear idea of where your story is going in the long run, it could turn out to be really good. I like your writing style, and the idea is solid. before you go any farther i would suggest getting your idea for the grand scheme of the book down so you don't wander amelessly.

i hope you go on with it. it is a good idea that you should explore, and you got me hooked.

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