McAnally's (The Community Pub) > Author Craft

My first books prologue, What do you think?

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willN:
I am looking between 720 and 750 pages right now.

belial.1980:
Hi there,

Just read this and here are a few initial thoughts:

Begin the story with, "The baby came right on schedule." I'd cut the entire section before that. I think a prologue should be quick and dirty and really catch a reader's eye. In fact some argue that prologues are over-used, and that an author should be able to integrate everything into the normal flow of the story--but I digress  ;)

What I liked best:

> You had good tension and managed to get the ball rolling with conflict from the get-go.
> You've established protagonists and antogonists. 
> You've got some pretty good action to kick off your story.

My biggest quips:

> A few stylistic cliche's stood out, such as "face of an angel." Show us what she looks like; give a detail or two that really stand out, showing the readers why someone would consider her lovely. (Don't get bogged down in details though)

> Dark Wizards, Normal and Wizard societal classes, forbidden marriages, and hybrids are a bit derivative of Harry Potter, Dresden, Underworld, and other urban fantasy. Not saying not to use them, but if you do, I'd recommend trying to put a really unique spin on them.

> The Xievous didn't strike me as dangerous wizards, but more like Thug #1, Thug#2, etc. from the credits of an action movie. They seemed inept. If they've got magic, why couldn't they scry, or send an evil spirit, or cast a lightning bolt on the house or some such? They seemed to bum rush it like a pack of disposible storm troopers. I think it'd be better to set up the Xievous to look a little more threatening in the eyes of the readers.

Anyway that's the lowdown. Good luck!


 

kwirk:

Have you thought of working in an Iraqi superstition or two or three?

Quantus:
In general it has promise, but as others are saying, it may be too much explanation up front.  I have the same problem, I put lots of time into the workings of the world, and end up just trying to outline it directly.  It ends up reading like a reference book, and doesn't really catch the reader, especially in a prologue.  A phrase that a teacher of mine drove me crazy with was "show me dont tell me," meaning find a way for the story to reveal the workings of the world, rather than just presenting it directly. 

Have you read Jim's writing tutorial?  Ive found it very helpful on getting started with an idea, and its got a good bit on openings.  Its really good for helping you (or at least me) tighten up the writing, and conveying the information you want to without loosing the reader.  Definitely worth the read.

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