McAnally's (The Community Pub) > Author Craft

Feedback requested for series I want to write + teaser

(1/4) > >>

CenturionsofRome:
I am planing on writing a series called Adflictus Planis, and have finised the majority of the world's mechanics. I am still in the design phase- I haven't even begun book 1 yet, though I do have the plot lined out- I desperately need feedback on how my series' world works. A such, I would really appreciate it if you guys went to centurionsofrome.deviantart.com and give me some feedback, even if that only consists of "good job" or something similar.

EDIT: Heeding the advice of a poster, I have removed the teaser from this post. It can now be found here: http://centurionsofrome.deviantart.com/#/art/Adflictus-Planis-teaser-book-1-Herald-of-Change-383849728?_sid=3c6943a2
I have also edited the teaser upon the advise of The Deposed King, and would like further feedback please, either on my deviantart account or on this thread.

The Deposed King:

--- Quote from: CenturionsofRome on August 11, 2013, 09:19:17 PM ---I am planing on writing a series called Adflictus Planis, and have finised the majority of the world's mechanics. I am still in the design phase- I haven't even begun book 1 yet, though I do have the plot lined out- I desperately need feedback on how my series' world works. A such, I would really appreciate it if you guys went to centurionsofrome.deviantart.com and give me some feedback, even if that only consists of "good job" or something similar.
In order to see how much interest there is for my story, I am posting a teaser here, which can also be found on my diviantart account. The story will be written in first person from the same perspective as the teaser.

teaser/possible prologue

So, you want to hear my story? Fine, it sure beats sitting around twiddling my thumbs, and the knowledge you glean from these pages may end up saving your life if you are unfortunate, or fortunate as your case may be, to end up here, in Nova Terra, where magic, miracles, and nightmares come to life. Before we get started, however, I want to clear a few things up. Yes, these pages contain magic, knights, werewolves, vampires, demons, and more. No, it is not some cheap Twilight-esque knockoff. If you’re looking for that, I suggest that you put this down immediately and go visit the cheesy teenage romance section at your local bookstore.

You still here? You sure? Okay… you were warned. My name is Raymond Fairfax. Drop my name to various people here in Nova Terra and you’ll get many different responses, ranging from hero to villain to “who?”

The answer of course, like so many historical figures, is more complex than a single statement, and no one person can ever answer it completely. Not even me. I am recording my knowledge of my life here so than when the worst happens, it will not be lost to the sands of time, and may serve to educate the unwary about what lurks in the dark corners in the planes of existence beyond our own. Let history be the judge of how I live my life. In regards to the previous sentences, I am not pessimistic, but tempus fugit, time flees, from all of us, and nothing lasts forever.

What is Nova Terra? Be patient and you’ll find out. Whether or not you can sleep at night is another matter, however, and not something that I’ll guarantee. Should you choose to visit, however, beware, for there are many who would prey on the unwary, and I kicked several hornet nests on my way in. Should you remain determined after reading about what happened to me, all I can say is “Good Luck, and God help you;” And “Woof.”

--- End quote ---


I'd nuke the last two paragraphs and start over.  The first two are great.  The last ones meander around a bit and leave me losing interest.  I might consider changing that hero or villain line to something like.  'you’ll get many different responses, ranging from hero to zero with a generous side helping of two bit part time villain and the occasional huh?'

You need to work on your ending of this product description or prologue.  It has too much of a 'everything has already happened' vibe to it which for me personally is a turn off.  predestined stuff.  But maybe some people like that.  Even if you're keeping the predestiny angle fix the meandering and make it tighter and more slam bam thank you officer.



The Deposed King

CenturionsofRome:
Thanks. That's the first feedback I've ever gotten on this, teaser or otherwise.

Snowleopard:
Before you go much further CoR - read the following thread please.
http://www.jimbutcheronline.com/bb/index.php/topic,15778.0.html

CenturionsofRome:
I understand, and have edited the OP accordingly.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page