McAnally's (The Community Pub) > Author Craft

First 100. Thoughts?

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The Deposed King:

--- Quote from: OZ on August 13, 2012, 05:30:48 AM ---I think the revision is much clearer. I like it. I don't understand the last sentence but I have the feeling that I would as the story progressed. Like some of the others I struggled a little with the waterfalls. I think I could take the waterfalls better with a little more detail on the terrain. Perhaps if instead of "across rocky ground" it said something like " down the rocky slope" or instead of "broke free in minature waterfalls", you said something along the lines of "spilled over the edge in minature waterfalls." This is minor but on relatively level ground, even if rocky, I don't get the feeling of directional flow that I do if there is some reason for the blood to flow in a given direction rather than just pooling around the bodies and filling any indentations until they overflow all around their edges.

Minor quibbles aside it seems a catchy opening. It makes me want to read more to discover what is happening.

--- End quote ---

Maybe chance the 'why when the ground smelled as sweet' to 'why -did- the ground smell as sweet.

This opening paragraph is much much better.  You can keep it just like it is if you follow it up with a smashing second paragraph.  I wouldn't go quite as far in my critiqu as OZ here after the revision.


The Deposed King

superpsycho:

--- Quote from: meg_evonne on August 13, 2012, 04:05:57 AM ---cool. thanks for the input! Solved the POV problem, set an age, and I'll keep the waterfalls--I use them later and, yes, the asteroids are part of the world building...  Still, I might have made it worse? Fast edits; never a good idea.

Hows about:

My mom and dad lay dead on the challenge field. Their blood flowed in red rivulets across rocky ground, collected in tiny pools, and then broke free again in miniature waterfalls. Only seventeen years of intense training--my whole life--kept me rooted in place, emotion stripped from my face.

Fresh from their kill, the war lady and her knight consort wiped their stained swords as they came to me. A butcher shop smell filled my nose and left a rancid taste that twisted my tongue. Why, when the bloody ground smelled as sweet as offerings to the Asteroids?

--- End quote ---
It’s definitely better but are you exploiting the scene for its full potential impact on the reader. The words ‘mom and dad’ still indicate a younger mental age or naiveté though it could be a cultural preposition that may be referenced later in the story. I think with a few minor changes it would have more impact and read slightly smoother.

Something like:

--- Quote ---My parents lay dead on the field of challenge. The blood from their bodies held me transfixed, as it flowed in red rivulets across rocky ground. At first the tiny streams collected in pools, only to break free and cascade down steps like thick miniature waterfalls, almost frozen in time.

At seventeen I knew tradition but it took every ounce of discipline from years of intense training to keep me rooted in place and emotion stripped from my face. Fresh from their kill, I watched the war lady and her knight consort wipe their stained swords as they came towards me. A butcher shop smell filled my nose and left a rancid taste that tormented my tongue. Why then, did the bloody ground smell sweet, like offerings to the Asteroids?

--- End quote ---

By providing a greater sense it is what he is seeing and feeling. The reader sees it from his eyes, thus builds a closer emotional link.

OZ:
I thought that I should mention that as TDK said I think it would stand perfectly well as is at the beginning of a page. Any changes that I mentioned are only the result of my over examining because I have only a single paragraph to read.

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