McAnally's (The Community Pub) > Author Craft

Confusion

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Sir Huron Stone:
Okay, so i'm really confused on how to write this:
"Well, they should be worried I thought. Twelve hormonal teenagers their lives in their hands. And I hold their lives in my hands. And a mad woman holds my life in her hands. Damnit, I hate this job."
The twelve hormonal teenagers have control over a highschool and can decide to kill them anytime, and my character has to decide whether or not to kill the twelve kids, but if he does, a mad woman will report him to the supernatural authorities and my character will probably be killed. How would i write this so people don't get confused?

Dina:
The only confusion I see is the "their lives" which is referring first to the lives of the HS people and the second time to the 12 teens lives. So try to focus in clarify this

Edit to add a suggestion:
"Well, they have good reasons to be worried about. Their lives were in the hands of twelve hormonal teenagers. And I hold those 12 lives in my hands. Also, a mad woman holds my life in her hands. Damnit, I hate this job"

Sir Huron Stone:
Thanks Dina!

Dina:
You're welcome, I added a suggestion.

meg_evonne:

--- Quote from: Sir Huron Stone on June 28, 2011, 12:06:38 AM ---"Well, they should be worried I thought. Twelve hormonal teenagers their lives in their hands. And I hold their lives in my hands. And a mad woman holds my life in her hands. Damnit, I hate this job."
--- End quote ---

I like the series a great deal, but I tend to like serial set ups. I'd cut to the important stuff by severe editing to let the repeat stand out. Also the first 'their lives' is ambiguous--I first took it to be the twelve themselves, not fellow students.  I'd also seek out a rhythm this sentence structure can support.  AHH, your sequence order is off, I think. hundreds to twelve to one.

Maybe:
"Hundreds of student lives held by twelve homicidal teenagers, twelve teenagers lives held in my hands, and my life held in the hands of a mad woman. Damnit, I hate this job."

I'm finding the "Damn it, I hate this job." too over used. It would be fun to bring hands and lives back in, something like, "That's too many f****** hands and too many f****** lives. Why do I do this?"  Well, depending on the age of your target audience.  I'm YA, remember, but I'm thinking this is older audience for some reason?

OK, revision, revision, revision and now I've stepped over the editor boundary by adding in emotional content. How does this read to you, though?

"Hundreds of terrified student lives held by twelve teenagers, twelve homicidal teenagers lives held in my hands, and my freaking life held in the hands of a mad woman. Damnit, I hate this job."  And in this version--I like the "Damn it I hate this job..." :-)

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