McAnally's (The Community Pub) > Author Craft

When is wordy just too wordy?

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Starbeam:
I read a blog post earlier today, and if I can find it later will try to link it, and it mentions about the details and moving the story.  The context was what authors can learn from a trip to Disneyland/world.  This particular bit was about how Disney uses the little details to add to the experience, the example being at the Animal Kingdom park and how the cement is pressed with leaf patterns so that it doesn't detract from the atmosphere and stand out as cement.  I know it was worded much better than that.

**Here's the link I mentioned about Disney.

Also, PG's example of Stephen King is a good one.  Also, King has a good example in On Writing--I forget exactly, I think the sentence example is something like "The man stopped to have a bowel movement." Or something like that, and King says to say what you mean, i.e. "The man stopped to take a shit."  I know that one is right, though I never quite remember the other couple examples he gives. And I'm not sure where my copy of the book is.  And with King, he's definitely an example of listen to what he says, but don't do what he does. Cause it's extremely contradictory.

meg_evonne:
Sorry, I don't think I have enough of the story to give you an answer.

Yes, this might be one of those famous babies that we are supposed to cut.

But, this might be a wonderful pre-set up for what happens to the main character over the course of the book. In which case, it earns its place in the paragraph.

I agree. I personally like it a great deal and would be loath to cut it. I like detail that draws me in, but detail that earns its place for more than one reason is far superior. Write and decide later, but never cut and delete, instead cut and save it somewhere. You might really want it back in there later.

Description and dialog need more than one reason to be on the page. If it ain't revealing or adding tone or setting up something coming, it isn't working hard enough and you are being lazy!  LOL

Kali:
I dunno.  It depends on the scene.

Something like that isn't too wordy if the scene is dramatic and emotional.  If the scene is tense and action-oriented, you want to keep your word choices short and punchy.  Sentence structure can echo the mood of the scene.

Not must.  There are almost no "musts" in writing.  You can end a dramatic, emotional scene with "He wept."  Short words, short sentence, lots of impact.  But in general, if you're writing a fight scene, you don't want lots of purple prose with lush description and poignant word choices.  If you're writing the post-death emotional trauma scene, you don't necessarily want lots of colorful, bright verbs with choppy paragraphs.

Edit:  Oh, my nitpick?  They wouldn't drop *into* the darkness of the pavement unless there's some kind of shadow being cast by the pavement.  They'd drop *onto* the darkness of the pavement, which implies there's pavement that's not well-lit and is thus dark.

Paynesgrey:
For some examples of evocative, atmospheric writing that still carries the story, I'd suggest Raymond Chandler's The Big Sleep and John D. MacDonald's Darker Than Amber.  It's the sort of writing where you can smell the wet pavement but the story and characters aren't overwhelmed.

the neurovore of Zur-En-Aargh:
Depends on the style you are doing.

If you're aiming for Alexandre Dumas, an average sentence length of fifty words is not too many; and Dumas endures.

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