McAnally's (The Community Pub) > Author Craft

We Don't Exist

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Warden John Marcone:

--- Quote from: Starbeam on October 01, 2009, 06:03:49 PM ---It's a nice little vignette, and could make for an interesting story.  The hangups that got me were lots of switching between past and present tense, sometimes in the middle of a sentence, like "I poppoped open a can of cola as I sit and watch..."  There's also some places that could be shown more than told, and some unnecessary words, which also falls under the could be shown instead of told thing, like "supremely unconcerned."

--- End quote ---

Most of the quirks were the result of a time limet, so I'll change them.  Thanks for the feedback.

Aludra:
I forgot to mention that I enjoyed it. Wow I feel like a jerk. But the sidekick with the stuffed dog, and the impatient main character, very funny. 

belial.1980:
I liked it. It was interesting and the characters have potential.

I think there could be a little more showing. Was there a silencer on the weapon? What did it sound like? What about the kick of the weapon into the shooter's shoulder? I think it would have benefitted from a little more description as he lined up the shot, especially since it's going to be precise and needs to take his time. While this is happening you could also introduce a little introspection. The character could be imagining who this guy is, who's waiting for him at home, who's going to cry at his funeral...or maybe he thinks about the bet he placed on a certain football game or what's on T.V. Or maybe his mind goes blank. The thoughts that cross your mind as you spend a few seconds getting ready to kill somebody say a lot about the person you are.

As a side thought, an homage to the hitmen from Pulp Fiction might be appropriate and funny if well placed. Again, good job. I'd like to see where this one heads. Good luck!

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