McAnally's (The Community Pub) > Author Craft
Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
LizW65:
YA=Young Adult.
Darwinist:
Ah, yeah, then what I wrote is definitely not YA lol.
Not sure if that was part of the criteria...
seekmore:
--- Quote from: Darwinist on August 23, 2009, 07:00:10 PM ---Ah, yeah, then what I wrote is definitely not YA lol.
Not sure if that was part of the criteria...
--- End quote ---
It wasn't, that just happens to be what my writing at the moment is.
And the quoted section was my submission...not a critique.
thausgt:
--- Quote from: Darwinist on August 23, 2009, 12:14:57 PM ---We like to run, it energizes us. Our lungs start to burn and our head gets a little foggy. Adrenaline rushes to our fingertips and the soles of our shoes protest with a numbing agony. The beat in our toes rattles up our spine and our fists pump with deliberation and anxiety. Predator on prey, salivating at the thought of our next meal. The thought drives us to the brink and then we push ourselves over.
--- End quote ---
First-person-plural tense for a viewpoint character is an interesting choice. Are you suggesting that the speaker is a non-human lifeform that lacks a cultural (or psychic) distinction between the individual and the collective? Are you suggesting that the speaker is a high-functioning multiple personality disorder? I admit that these paragraphs hook me, but the bait definitely sets up some significant expectations.
--- Quote from: Darwinist on August 23, 2009, 12:14:57 PM ---Our name is Katon.
We are an ancient people and we are hungry.
Our prey is a small time hood, peddling drugs to school children. It matters not to us who they are or what they do, but to our employer. Interpol. It's amazing what we can get away with if we got a badge, a gun, and a general understanding of how to sidestep the rules.
--- End quote ---
Ah! A bit of explanation about why Katon does what they do. Interesting that they are involved with law-enforcement, rather than freelance.
--- Quote from: Darwinist on August 23, 2009, 12:14:57 PM ---Here's our target, here's the paperwork. Dead or alive, sounds great to us, it does. Though our prey is usually more dead than alive when the night is through.
--- End quote ---
"it does" represents an interesting character quirk. Referring to night makes me think of vampires, though. I suggest tossing in more "this is not a vampire" hints. Rumor has it that the current writing market is oversaturated with vampire stories...
--- Quote from: Darwinist on August 23, 2009, 12:14:57 PM ---But hey, what do us immortals have to fear in this age of bureaucracy. If we screw up, it goes through the hands of about thirty of our superiors before it ever reaches the desk of someone that matters. By then, the issue has blown over and whatever body bag's we left behind are yesterdays news. They just want results, and we gives them results.
--- End quote ---
*activate grammar check*
"What do we immortals" will get past the proofreaders, as will a question mark at the end of that sentence.
*deactivate grammar check*
I understand you're trying to give us a hint of the speaker's thought-style. Keep going, though, I want to see more of Katon.
meg_evonne:
YOUNG ADULT, aiming at 12 to 15
Ready to query in the next 30 days
I queried five agents and was shocked when one asked for 50 pages and a 2nd requested my e-manuscript and also hard copy mailed to her. These two agents were extremely gracious and they provided some good insight, but I wasn't ready---close but no bananas as they say. LOL This time I want to be ready for those requests, if the miracle repeats itself. SO your strongest critiques and suggestions are really needed now.
Thank you in advance. You are all great!
These are TWO beginnings and therein is my difficulty--Here is the mundane start of my YA, followed an alternative forward flash from a later chapter as an intro and reader's contract as to the level of violence in the book.
I'm getting down to the wire and feeling like I have to make a definitive decision. Your help is GREATLY, GREATLY appreciated.
"The plane circled Rome and headed into the rising sun. The sky was bright and beautiful, but the intense colors washed hazily together the further they dropped. Pollution, but it didn’t keep Eve from gasping as she picked out familiar sites. She’d researched them and made an exhaustive list to visit. Her parents were waiting for them in the airport below, and her dad promised to take her to see all of them. It was night in New York, but here it was a new sunrise, a new adventure, and a new day. Yeah, like that was going to make a difference.
When the second half of her sophomore year began at the American School in Rome, her nightmare would pick up where it always did—with her as the new, awkward, lonely, bookish Eve O’Mara. Her mother said Eve was bumbling and clumsy because she’d shot up in height, but of more distress to Eve was that her breasts grew at the same fast pace.
Eve adjusted her glasses, blew her heavy brown bangs out of the way, and shook her long ponytail. It had gotten caught in the stiff button down collar of her school uniform blouse, and its starchy smell wafted upwards, even after a full day and night of wearing it. She and her brother had gotten on a flight straight from completing their finals at Eden’s Croft Prep School.
“What do you see?” Kai asked, his older sister’s breath(e)* huffing in his ear as Eve leaned over him to look out the window. He elbowed his sister with typical sibling scuffling.
*maybe it's one of those midwest word usage things, but breathe just isn't the right word for me, but Spell/Grammar check says it should be breathe.... help?
OR the forward flash intro from later in the book. Does it reveal too much? This is the full forward flash..358 words
“Kai, stay here.”
Kai wore his obstinate face, the one that said, “Don’t mess with me.” The face that said, “You’re only my sister and you aren’t in charge.”
Technically she was. Their parents were missing, held by an agent of Hell, and at fifteen Eve was three years older than Kai—in her book, that left her in charge.
“Eve, Mom and Dad are in there being used in some kind of ritual, aren’t they? I’m not waiting out here.” He thrust his jaw out and crossed his arms.
Eve turned to Randon. Even in their current dire circumstances, she couldn’t quite ignore the fact that he was distractingly attractive—not that she was complaining. He had a Hollywood face and a body to match. More importantly, he was two years older than she was and had one year of magic under his belt, while she had only just discovered her powers.
Randon’s distress was clear in his face, and she knew he was thinking about his father, who was also inside. “What do you think?” she said.
“He’ll just follow us in.”
“Fine,” Eve said, “Stay close and do what we tell you to do.”
The church was dark as they crept in, but for one spot. There luminous blue light arched over a ritual circle, creating a shield that hissed and sparked. The wavering, ever-fluctuating light shot upwards. It increased in size and intensity like a slow-growing fire, as it fed on those within.
Fodder for the feeding, and bound with vines, Eve’s parents and Randon’s father lay huddled at equidistant points inside the circle. Wicked, sharp thorns sprouted from the vines, piercing their bodies. They convulsed with agony. The thorns drew blood, which dripped down upon the marble floor of the ancient church. The nightmare scene froze Eve in place.
Eve’s stomach heaved at the disgusting scene and the enormity of her task. She forced it to stay down—she didn’t have time to get sick. Eve had just found out about magic, and she’d just found out that her parents were wizard investigators of the paranormal. How was she going to stop this?
Thank you again....
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