McAnally's (The Community Pub) > Author Craft

I already feel the love, Teaser/rough. Comments accepted

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meg_evonne:
Yeah, okay....never sure how to respond to requests like this.  Everybody keep their heads as I work my way through this.  I have spent a lot of time doing crits, then find out that my precious time is rarely reciprocated.  I've only found one extremely serious crit site, which I love.   And your 'already feel the love'? subject---giving the love is just as important.  LOL

So here's my questions to Flashand:

1. Are you asking as a learning for fun crit or as a marketing/teaser serioius crit, or an editing crit?  There is a difference.  If it's a learning experience this is easy.  If it's a serious request for marketing or editing then it gets difficult. 

2. Are you willing to reciprocate on the crit time if you are serious?  A two minute thumbs up, thumbs down--no problem. However, think carefully before answering, tell me if you want my honest, gut reaction, and will you hate what I have to say?  If you want a blow by blow, line by line--PM back and forth, (and in my opinion this belongs in PM's) that again is more difficult, needing your reciprocal time and attention.

3. Are you really wondering what an agent might think?  If so, how tough skin are you willing to be?  Agents are tough, so if you want the hard line opinion---is that what you really want?

So for a learning experience--i ditto what Belial said and you should THANK BELIAL in PM!  Good crit.  If you want me to go after it like I do my own stuff with a razor, a hack saw, and an occasional grenade....will you reciprocate with the same ferociousness and time commitment?

Flashand:
Thank you Meg, i will do so. First off this is all of the above.  IF i do not learn it is not the teachers fault!!

Secondly 1) Yes, it is a seriose request for aid. as you have read i have attempted and failed x1 i am not a quitter there for i will succeed! even if it causes much greaf and many gallons of tears. I AM A MAN AND HEAR ME SAY I WOULD PROBABLY CRY MY EYES OUT! damn that was tuff LOL

2) Sweets if i did not reciprocate and be brutally honest GOD would probably strike my stupid butt down. NO JOKE.

3) i am not woundering what an agent would think at this time, (.) period, as this is a rough not a high level almost finished draft.

4) i placed my email on my prof and explicetly asked for and hope to recieve Nukular holokost (half drunk forgive please :P) so any one interested i would willingly beat the snot out of a draft keep in mind yahoo has a 2 mb limit so only 3 per day TY :P

(this is so people dont think im a donkey) 5) if so interested please make sure to include a self addressed stamped envelope!

Flashand:
i am actually debating wether or not to undo the changes that i had made, well the added stuff at the beginning anyway.

Bear with me a sec.

First off there are a number of published novelists that start simular to what i did, see to Ride the Chimera by Kevin Killiany, to name one.

Second although his critique was dead on in my oppinion, i also realise that this was only the first half page or so of the novel and the descript didnt start until mid page of page 2. OH well i asked for honesty and behold he was honest, stung alot but :) i can recover.

meg_evonne:
These two different beginnings are quite different.  Personally there were parts of the first posting that I liked a lot, this second version just isn't grabbing me. 

I think you need to seriously look at how close your world is to Jim's.  By getting deep into your premise and into your outline, you'll be able to pinpoint places where you can make absolutely sure that it is your world from top to bottom. 

My personal preference is to be brought in to crit a story after several edits, because so many of those first decisions define who you are as a writer.  Your voice has to be unique to you and that will entail several key choices that you will decide for your own reasons.  If you are still searching for your voice in a story, we will just complicate your decisions-possibly to the detriment of your story.  You are the one who knows your voice best. You are the one who knows the story that you want to tell.

Flashand:
thats the  thing there isnt any worlds left to exploit, however i did not want to throw a place like the NN, into what i have. an alternate earth type thing.

Jims actually is from what i can grasp based loosly on the shadowrun series.

I was going to go with the first and then implement the secound in a dream sequence it seems a little more posh that way.

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