McAnally's (The Community Pub) > Author Craft
"Paper, Plastic or ...Zombie Mojo??"
comprex:
--- Quote from: belial.1980 on May 10, 2009, 09:14:07 PM ---Pretty good. It's funny and cute with some well-rendered characters. I think it'd definitely something you could sell to a publication.
A few suggestions:
Try to tighten up your writing. I felt like the story draged a bit in places, especially when we're handed multiple descriptions of Rick's zombie-like behavior. To market a short story, it's essential to submit something that's brief and effective. Really good writers manage to say a lot with fewer words than the rest of us.
I'd have liked to seen more character description. Pandora got the most vivid description, but it seemed like many of the other characters weren't ascribed with as many details. I was a bit iffy about Theristus being desribed as a "Liam Neeson clone." I can understand that Beanie sees him that way, but an editor might view this as lazy or sloppy writing. (Well, Dan Brown pulled it off, but he's a cash cow and gets a little leeway. ;))
I think you've got a good start. Good luck!
--- End quote ---
To continue this point, perhaps introduce -fewer- characters in one go, or restrict the introductions to the slow-paced bits?
magic penguin:
i liked it I thought it was well written kept my interest...But I do have 2 suggestions. ONE use spell check. two I wasn't sure of the gender of the main character. I was thinking... male since many of the books in the first person I read are male. I would like to see more of your character "beanie"? Good luck... I'm looking forward to the next chapter. I also like that you gave all the Characters pronounceable names.
Dandalf the Grey:
Yeah, some interesting concepts in there, but some of it might need to be fleshed out a little.
Some of the changes in the character reactions were a bit too quick ("No I don't!" Looks guilty. "So you drugged me?" - maybe these two should be spaced out a little more?).
Also, there were maybe a few too many characters introduced, kinda clouded things up a little. It is a short story so a lot has to be jammed in, but I think a little more development is in order.
Altogether, good though - original concept!
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