McAnally's (The Community Pub) > Author Craft

Feedback on a snippet from my new project?

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Delvalen:

--- Quote from: magic penguin on May 12, 2009, 05:06:17 PM ---I find it intriguing too, but also a bit scary...and puzzling... Where is the story going?  We know the author is  a serial killer--like Jeffrey Dahlmer. The author is in an institution under medical care. Two possiblilities I see for the future would be the author getting better or breaking down completely and killing  a large number of people. Maybe it's just me. I think the Author is great, but has trapped himself starting out at this point in time.  I can't wait for the next snippet.  Bring it On

--- End quote ---

I like that you find it scary and puzzling, first of all. I wrote it to read as a prologue, hoping to have the rest of the story teetertottering between this past "journal" and current events. However, do you LIKE the scary? Or is it overdone?

I won't disclose much of the ending as it's under wraps with myself while I work out some kinks, but I'll let you know this. He does not get better. If all goes well *and I can't assure that as I'm used to writing a much more light-hearted and sarcastic tone* I am trying to delve into what a mind corrupted by absolute evil would function like. Someone this evil has a breaking point, and before the final page, he'll reach his.

Thanks for the feedback! :)

magic penguin:
yes, I do like scary and this is not tooooooooo scary.  If he weren't in prison I would be locking all my windows and putting chairs under the handles of my doors.  but I can't wait for the next chapter or the whole book when it gets published.

belial.1980:
There were definitely disturbing overtones and undertones. I liked the voice and the imagery you conjured up. It's effective at stirring up a reader's imagination.

It felt a little static, though, and I think it would've been more effective if you presented it with more than just narration. It felt almost "preachy", but preachy from an antogonistic viewpoint. Does that make sense? If the audience knew a little more about the character's actions, or if there was a discourse between the character and his doctor, perhaps, I think the piece might feel fresher.

Anyway, those are just some suggestions. It's a good start, and I wish you luck with it.

Paynesgrey:
I'm looking forward to reading more.  The voice is well done, and I personally like the "coherant" sort of madness, much more difficult to write convincingly than the "blithering looney" variety.  (Leprous purple twinkies in baby carriages stalking the narrator in the produce aisle being an example).  One can understand the character and but still feel menaced as well as the mutual alienation.

comprex:

Are you sure you're not a Cylon?

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