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Torvaldr:
Okay, I know I am asking for it. What do you think?

I'm not supposed to be dead. At least that is what I keep telling myself. Someone made a really big mistake somewhere. Because the last thing anyone should have wanted to do was kill me. You see I am far more dangerous when I am dead than when I am alive. Not making sense to you huh? Well that is going to take a while to explain. But being dead I have all the time I need.
   You see I am an angel. Or rather I was once. I made a rather large mistake a few eons ago and listened to a fella named Lucifer. Next thing I know I had a rather abrupt address change. Humans throughout history have made a rather big deal out of the "War in Heaven". Believe me it wasn't as grand or dramatic as you might think. Once an angel has lost the Word, he isn't nearly as tough as he was before. At least not compared to other angels still in the Bosses' good graces. Hey, I made a funny.
   Once those of us who were stupid enough, or deluded enough, made the decision to oppose the Will of the Word, it was pretty much a foregone conclusion. Michael and the rest just did the mopping up and we were gone.
   So we were cast out, or down, or choose your own adjective. What happened next may surprise some of you. As you already know quite a few set out to do what they could to make things miserable for mankind. You see that group blamed man for a lot of things. Much like a child who has been caught doing something wrong tries to blame someone else. So they spend their time corrupting those they can, trying to prove to the Word that they are not to blame, and should be allowed to come home. No big surprise that He isn't buying it.
   Most of the rest not causing trouble are pretty much just sitting around feeling sorry for themselves. Wailing, moaning, and making a lot of noise. Or are wandering around in a lost state of shock. Withdrawn and morose. Believe me as bad as the first crowd is, the last thing you want to do is somehow manage to grab the attention of either of these kind of guys. They are just itching to take out their frustrations on anyone or anything. No plan. No restraint. Just mindless fury. It can get very messy.
   Then there are the few like me that realized just how stupid they had been, and tried to make amends. And this is where it gets tricky.
   Humans have a savior. Someone to pay for the sins they commit. All they have to do is truly feel remorse for their short comings, repent, and ask for forgiveness and they can go straight to the head of the line. No ticket. No waiting. Just get on the ride and away they go.
   Angels don't get it so easy. You see, we weren't supposed to need a savior. We were brought into existence by the Will of the Word. Created perfect as instruments of His Will. To aid in the building and management of creation. And we exist in the Light of His Word. It lives within us. Even in those of us stupid enough to question the Word. For all of time we lived within that perfect clarity. Within the certainty of His thought. It was when He created man that things went a bit crazy.
       Now I can't speak to why Lucifer acted the way he did. Humans have some notion that it was through conceit or arrogance. You may not believe it but angels don't get to read each others minds. We might be able to do that to lesser beings, but not each other. All I can tell you is my reaction. I was jealous. Yep. That has to be the right word. Jealous. Here I was. A perfect being. Living in the Light of His Word. One of his right hand men, so to speak. And then He up and creates a being to be one with him. In his image. A being with a soul and free will. Who would be raised above me. After all this time, and all the work I had done I was being replaced!
Boy was I stupid.
      First off. Guess who also had free will? Yep. That would be me, and all the rest of the idiots. If we didn't, how could we even think of rebelling? If you don't have any choices than how can you make a choice? Got your head spinning yet? Then to make me feel even more stupid I forgot something. All this divine power. All this experience and wisdom and I forgot something. God is Love. Unlimited, all encompassing, immeasurable, Love. He created man AND angels to have someone to share that Love with. He loves everyone and everything, everywhere. All at the same time and all at once. So if it is immeasurable, how can he Love one thing more than another? You can't imagine how long it took me to finally realize that.
       And as for the soul part. Do you know what a soul is? It is a spark of creation. A bit of the Will and the Word. It gives life to man and allows him to share in the Love of God. And it lives on after the shell of flesh has perished, to "exist in the Light of his Word". Sound familiar? There are a lot of humans who have said that angels have no soul. But the truth is, that is all we are. We didn't need to live in the physical world and learn all of this first hand. We were given that knowledge right from the start. And some of us blew it. And some of us asked for forgiveness and are trying to get back home.
       Which brings me to my current predicament. You see as I said before, fallen angels do not have anyone to pay for our sins. We weren't supposed to need it. But the Word is merciful and gave us an out. Those of us who truly repent are born into the world of man, and work to do what we can to ease the misery caused by our fallen brothers and sisters. The catch? We pretty much have no powers at all in the physical world. The bodies we have are just as frail as anyone elses. We can get sick. We can get hurt. We age. And we die. If we have done enough to earn redemption then we get to come home and resume our former position. If not, well, let's just say none of us really want to know. But there is one caveat. If we are killed by another of the fallen, or due to their connivance, then we are born again into the world of man to try again.
       Now you might think then that the others would have no worry about bumping one of us off. Not so. You see once we are free of the physical shell, we are back on an even footing. With all our powers again. Hence my little comment about being more dangerous when dead. I may not be in the heavy weight division like Lucifer, but I can scrap with the best of the rest. So when one of us "misborn"(as they call us) is around, the "warts" (as we call them. Every try to get rid of a wart?) walk a little softer. 

Quantus:
First off, Very Nice.  Intriguing premise. Catchy tone,  I think Im going to like this character.   

I have a question of context though:  is this a conversation somewhere in the middle or is this supposed to be the opening?  If its an opening, Id suggest a bit more of a local setting up front before you launch into so much of the world setting.  The tone is so conversational that I could do for some form of an image to attach the voice to, rather than the disembodied one that I get.  Even if its something as simple as: "As I lay there in the cold dirt feeling my heart beat its last, I kept thinking to myself, Im not suppose to be dead..."  Some sort of image, even if it doesn't have much in the periphery, to latch onto before I get hit with all that world framework.  Then you can give that long monologue and wrap it back into a "which brings me back to Im not supposed to be Dead..."  or some such.  That would wrap it nicely, or you may consider breaking up the explanation a bit more, thats a lot to hit a reader with right out of the gate without more, for lack of a better word, "physical" description to anchor to.

Another thing is that you start quite a few of your sentences with "you see" (six by my count) and it starts to get a little redundant.  I may be oversensitive to it, I have the same problem when Im explaining things (though I tend to use, "the thing is...")

As far as the setting goes, sounds awesome.  Have you considered how the Flood will fit into your mythos?  According to some texts, it was supposedly intended to wipe out the Nephilim, who were the half-breed children of the Grigori (the Sons of God that mated with the daughters of Man, mentioned in Genesis Ch6:1-4)  Im big on the historical research, so its just a thought, do with it as you will

Once again, very nice work, I look forward to more of this story, if you care to grace us with it (hehe, another funny) :D

Torvaldr:
Thanks for the feedback. This is still a rough draft and I know I need to polish it a bit. Your suggestions will help me do that. After going back through it, reading it aloud to myself, I see what you mean on some of your points.

This is just the first monologue, not quite the opening scene. That is still being fleshed out into a rough. But I will post it as soon as I get it to the rough stage.

I'm glad you like it so far. I will be eventually making references to things like the Nephalim and Grigori, and maybe more. Don't want to give too much away. :-)

thausgt:

--- Quote from: Quantus347 on March 06, 2009, 01:39:21 AM ---First off, Very Nice.  Intriguing premise. Catchy tone,  I think Im going to like this character.
--- End quote ---
   

Seconded!


--- Quote from: Quantus347 on March 06, 2009, 01:39:21 AM ---I have a question of context though:  is this a conversation somewhere in the middle or is this supposed to be the opening?  If its an opening, Id suggest a bit more of a local setting up front before you launch into so much of the world setting.  The tone is so conversational that I could do for some form of an image to attach the voice to, rather than the disembodied one that I get.  Even if its something as simple as: "As I lay there in the cold dirt feeling my heart beat its last, I kept thinking to myself, Im not suppose to be dead..."  Some sort of image, even if it doesn't have much in the periphery, to latch onto before I get hit with all that world framework.  Then you can give that long monologue and wrap it back into a "which brings me back to Im not supposed to be Dead..."  or some such.  That would wrap it nicely, or you may consider breaking up the explanation a bit more, thats a lot to hit a reader with right out of the gate without more, for lack of a better word, "physical" description to anchor to.
--- End quote ---

I agree with Quantus347. This is a very cerebral kind of opening for the story. It would work very well as the script for a voiceover, and makes several very important points. But what imagery was in your head as you wrote it? Was the speaker sitting comfortably at a table somewhere, telling the story to an otherwise ordinary mortal? Even if it's meant to be some kind of internal monologue delivered in the midst of the death, there should be some way for the reader to tie it into a context.


--- Quote from: Quantus347 on March 06, 2009, 01:39:21 AM ---As far as the setting goes, sounds awesome.  Have you considered how the Flood will fit into your mythos?  According to some texts, it was supposedly intended to wipe out the Nephilim, who were the half-breed children of the Grigori (the Sons of God that mated with the daughters of Man, mentioned in Genesis Ch6:1-4)  Im big on the historical research, so its just a thought, do with it as you will
--- End quote ---

Next question: what is the actual setting? I get the sense that the action could take place anywhere on Earth, and at any point in history between the Fall and right now. The speaker's diction suggests modern times, but that could just be my interpretation.


--- Quote from: Quantus347 on March 06, 2009, 01:39:21 AM ---Once again, very nice work, I look forward to more of this story, if you care to grace us with it (hehe, another funny) :D

--- End quote ---

Yes, please!

Blaze:
I enjoyed that Torvaldr!  Can't wait to see where you go with it.  And in my case, I felt like the "Nebulous" tone was a voice over introduction as to whatever was going to come.  I tend to be visual when I read, so having that sort of setting-less broad brush beginning suits me.

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